Top 5 Things to Avoid Wearing Once I Turn 50

This year, I turn 50. Half a freakin’ century. I’m older than ATMs, GPS and Prozac. Beauty editors love to give older women advice about what they should and shouldn’t wear, like it’s any of their $&%$ing business.

But, they have the right idea. After living on this crazy planet for five decades, there are definitely things I’m going to stop wearing once I turn 50. Maybe even sooner.

A fake smile. Sometimes I get pissed off. Sometimes I’m frustrated Sometimes I even concentrate really hard. I refuse to wear a smile just so the people around me don’t have to think of me as a human being with actual emotions besides extreme happiness. #DoNotTellMeToSmile

dont smile(Why isn’t this woman smiling?!?!?! Oh, right. She doesn’t have to.)

A fitness tracker. Either I’m moving, or I’m not. I don’t need an expensive gadget on my wrist jolting me into action every hour. And I refuse to do laps around my house at 11:30 p.m. trying to get my steps in for the day. #NotDoingIt

Others’ expectations. Haven’t we spent enough time trying to keep other people happy? I feel like now’s a good time to follow my own heart. It’s funny, but when you start living your own truth, other people’s opinions don’t carry nearly the same weight. And speaking of weight . . .

Big tote bags. I’ve carried enough baggage for the first 50 years of my life, I’m not about to keep carrying handbags just so I can drag half of my beauty products around with me. Letting the weight lift of my shoulders (literally and figuratively) helps me stand straighter, lift my gaze and face the world straight on. #DropTheBaggage


(Also can double as a bodybag if I collapse in the mall.)

Uncomfortable shoes. Don’t misunderstand. I’ll stick rock heels, boots and pumps, but instead of buying cheap shoes that kill my feet, I’ll spend a little more for shoes that feel good–and look awesome! If I’m going to dance to my grave, I’d better invest in some amazing shoes!