May Movie Previews

The country is experiencing a drought. Not the “Oh, we have no water,” kind of drought; the “Oh, there have been no good movies for months and my brain needs something stimulating, provocative and intelligent to watch before it liquefies and leaks out of my nostrils.” That kind of drought.

The last movie I saw was Furious 7, which was the funnest comedy I’d seen in weeks. If the “dialogue” doesn’t have you rolling in the aisles, the flying car stunts will leave you breathless.

Actual conversation:

Letty: Why didn’t you tell me we were married?

Dominic: You can’t tell someone they love you.

Bwahahahahaha!

furious

(They do look pretty furious.)

Anyway. With the summer movie season just around the corner, I’ve made some bold predictions for what to expect on the silver screen coming up in May.

May 1–The Avengers: Age of Ultron: Expect lots of latex-wearing, smart-ass superheros battling for truth, justice and billions of dollars at the box office. Hint: there are rumors that the Black Widow and the Hulk become an item. Eww?

May 6–I Am Big Bird: The Caroll Spinney Story: You mean to tell me Big Bird was a costume?!?!?! My childhood is now officially ruined. Next you’ll tell me that Bert and Ernie aren’t a couple.

May 15–Mad Max: Fury Road: (I’m sensing a lot of anger in movie titles.) Characters in this film race, kill and rage across an apocalyptic landscape. I’m expecting chaos, mayhem, lots of gore–and a bald Charlize Theron!!??

charlize

(Even with no hair, Charlize is drop dead gorgeous. Bitch.)

May 15–Pitch Perfect 2: The movie my husband has waited more than two years for. Perky little Anna Kendrick leads a ragtag assortment of preppy white girls as they battle to the death in a worldwide singing competition.

May 22–Poltergeist: The movie that scared the s*** out of me when I was a kid is back with a reboot to frighten the next generation of children. The movie will include that freakin’ creepy clown, the child-attacking tree, a static-buzzing TV set (brought to you by Time Warner) and a whole new reason for your kids to sleep in your bed for two years.

closer

(Dammit, mom! I told you there was something in my closet!!)

May 22–Tomorrowland: Because Disney was running low on funds, they decided to make this movie with George Clooney starring as a reclusive inventor who shakes his fist at co-star Britt Robertson, telling her “Come back tomorrow!”

So buy a trough of popcorn and settle in for an interesting May as blockbusters hit the screen.

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