I don’t ask for ID when someone shows up on my doorstep begging for candy–as long as it’s Halloween. I don’t care if you’re a gangsta teen, a middle-aged mom, a 2-day-old baby or even that creepy 30-something guy who’s always hanging around the park. I’ll give anyone candy–because it’s CANDY! Everyone loves candy!

But in the interest of safety, there comes a time when you should probably hang up the trick-or-treat bag and stay planted on the couch watching Dark Shadows reruns. Here are some hints you should stay home on Halloween:

• You leave your house to go trick or treating, and don’t remember how to find your way back.
• You remember meeting the original Dracula.
• Someone says, “What are you supposed to be?” You reply, “Dead.”
• People keep saying, “Great old lady costume!”

(But I’m not wearing a costume.)

• Your walker keeps getting stuck in the sidewalk cracks.
• Every time someone gives you taffy, you whine, “Well, how the hell am I supposed to eat that?”
• Your idea of “giving someone a scare” means grabbing your chest and screaming.
• You creak, groan and moan like a Halloween soundtrack.
• You feel the need to shake your cane at hoodlum children.

(“Just wait ’til I get my hands on you, you little whipper-snappers!”

• You keep asking to use your neighbors’ bathroom.
• On every porch, you stop to tell the trick-or-treaters that you “remember buying a sackful of candy for only 5 cents at old Mr. McGowan’s grocery store that was right next to Mr. Polanski’s barber shop. They’re both dead now.”
• When given hard candy, you ask if they have something “a little softer.”
• You hand your bag to your grandkids and tell them to “not come back until it’s full–or you’re out of the will.”

Whatever your age, trick-or-treat safely, don’t eat your candy in one night–and save me all the Snickers! Happy Halloween!