The popularity of the pornographically-erotic book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James indicates a high level of sexual frustration in women. The book follows the dark relationship between Ana and the hilariously-named Christian, with the expected amount of raw sex.

(His skirt looks a little too flowy to be a kilt.)

Bodice-rippers are not new to female literature. Fabio-esque male models have graced the pages of many a tantalizing book, usually grasping a well-cleavaged woman in a tattered green, velvet dress. Titles like Hearts in Heat or Blood Pumpin’ are full of throbbing pulses and heaving bosoms.

(This is why you shouldn’t play with Super Glue.)

If men are wondering how they compare to these sweaty sex-novel heroes, take a glance at the list below and see if your technique could use some fine tuning. (In the interest of full-disclosure, my husband is not guilty of MOST of these offenses.)

1. Foreplay does not consist of watching Sports Center and grabbing our boobs during commercials.

2. We have other body parts for you to fondle besides the aforementioned boobage.

3. If I’m snoring, it doesn’t mean I’m playing hard-to-get, it means I’m freakin’ SLEEPING! Touch me and die.

4. Just because men can be turned on by a toothpaste commercial doesn’t mean we’re ready to go once your belt hits the floor.

5. It’s NOT cool to mention how soft our bellies are, how you like the way our cellulite gleams in the moonlight or how you enjoy the feeling of leg stubble.

6. If we make the effort to dress in sexy lingerie, don’t make comments about a) beached whales, b) the full moon or c) how it looked so much different in the catalog.

7. Can you say “manscaping?”

8. Just because you read about it on the Internet does not mean it’s physically possible.

Adherence to the above “suggestions” could perhaps ensure a more compliant, and loving, partner.