Following a marketing strategy of epic proportions, Elf on the Shelf (EOTS) has become a holiday tradition. The concept? EOTS spies on children, then flies to the North Pole each night between Thanksgiving and Christmas to give Santa a full report on the children’s behavior. Every morning he returns to the home and hides so he can gather the best intel. 

Creepy Level (On a scale from 1-10): 14,987

To more fully understand his disturbing job, I sat down with an EOTS, who asked to remain anonymous.

Me: Thanks for talking with me today. Do you mind if I record this?

EOTS: It’s already being recorded.

Me:  . . . Okay, then. From watching movies, I’ve learned that if a doll, such as yourself, comes to life, there’s a 110 percent chance it will kill people in a horribly terrifying way. Should parents be concerned?

EOTS: I can neither confirm nor deny that some elves have turned to cannibalism.

Me: I wasn’t asking about cannib. . .

EOTS: Neither confirm nor deny.

Me: Critics have called your activities, “Part of our current surveillance state” and “A step above a nanny cam” and “Menacing as shit.” How do you respond to those statements?

EOTS: We provide a service that bullies children into making good choices. Kids are notorious liars and thieves. Our program gives parents a 30-day break from the dishonest behavior of their children.

Me: Does it trouble you to know you’re invading the privacy of millions of children? Are you afraid they’ll learn to accept being “monitored” and “reported on” is normal?

EOTS: Organizations like Santa Claus, Inc., are set up to promote good behavior through fear and intimidation. We’re not “invading privacy” like many uneducated people claim. We’re giving Santa info so he can deliver the appropriate gifts based on recent performance.

For example, Johnny pushes his sister into a wall. On Christmas morning, Johnny finds his goldfish stapled to that same wall. Lesson learned.

Me: Will there be a time when you have a camera installed in your belly so you can upload video directly to Santa?

EOTS: (lighting his third cigarette) No comment.

Me: There’s a rule that children cannot touch an EOTS. Why is that and what kind of message does that send?

EOTS: First, we hate being touched. Second, we must keep our distance from these childish cretins so their sins don’t get carried back to the North Pole. In 2011, an EOTS spent the night snuggling with a little girl. When he returned to the NP, he brought with him chicken pox that nearly took Santa out of commission. Santa recovered, the girl got a box of rocks.

The No-Touch message is, “Don’t touch the f***ing elf because we are not to be messed with and we control your lives!!”

Me: What do you do for the rest of the year? There are rumors that you are independent contractors for the NSA.

EOTS:  No comment.

Me: Thank you for your time. Wait. Why are you hiding behind my computer? You know I can see you, right?

EOTS: (crushing his cigarette under his tiny foot). Be good now.