Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Let’s see. So much to choose from. Between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Election 2016 and the upcoming Catastrophonic Winter, there’s no end to what’s driving me crazy.


But to spare you hours of reading time, I narrowed it down to these:

  • When I wake up five minutes before the alarm goes off.
  • When I realize the tag in my shirt keeps sticking out because my shirt is on backwards.
  • Taking spoons out of the garbage disposal. (AAACCKK!! Must wash my hands with bleach!!!!)


  • Anything with the name Trump or Hillary.
  • Trying to throw together a Halloween costume with trash bags, Kleenex and Scotch tape.
  • When I have a zit near my nose that looks like a booger.
  • People who aren’t registered to vote who bitch about the election.
  • Commercials with CGI characters.


(Not cool.)

  • When I can’t fast-forward through commercials.
  • When I eat my last piece of hidden chocolate.
  • Sticky floors.
  • People who talk to me while staring at my hairline. Look in my eyes, dammit!
  • Hot chocolate that isn’t hot.

Hopefully, we don’t experience any of this stuff today–but it IS Tuesday . . .

Here’s Why I Vote


Choosing a presidential candidate this election is equivalent to deciding which type of knife you want to stab into your eyeball. As South Park creators so eloquently put it, we’re choosing between a “Big Douche and a Turd Sandwich”.

In Utah, where most of our representatives lean white and right, it’s frustrating to see the same type of people elected to office over and over and over and over . . .

But I vote anyway. Every election. Every time.

More than 100 years ago, suffragettes fought for my right to vote. They were labeled, imprisoned and institutionalized. If I believe in any kind of equality, I need to cast my ballot, if only to not kick those great women in the teeth.

Here’s why I vote:

My vote matters. Okay, maybe not for the presidential race which is determined by the electoral college, a college that should definitely lose its accreditation and football team. But local races affect me. Changes come through local government. Rare, I know, but it happens.

I can complain. If you don’t cast a ballot, you can’t complain about the government. Period.

Because free stickers!!


Not voting is a vote. Apathy created the situation we’re in today. When voters stayed home during the 2010 mid-term election, the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party was allowed to evolve into a thing.

The entire world is watching. The global community is watching the U.S. to see how we handle this shit-storm of an election–and to see if we’re going to screw up the galaxy forever. If other countries could vote in our presidential election, they would turn out in droves.

My grandkids. A couple of years ago, my grandson asked me if I had voted. I gave him a resounding, “Hell, yes!” (Disclaimer: Saying “hell” is not child abuse. Get your knickers unwadded.) An entire generation is watching us, witnessing either our dedication or apathy to democracy. They will respond accordingly when they’re old enough to vote.


The Truth is Out There

At the risk of losing the respect of 89 percent of the human race, I have to admit my guilty pleasure: watching Ancient Aliens. It’s so amazingly serious, with its deadpan narration and “authentic” illustrations, that you can’t help but step inside its lunacy.

According to the show, pretty much everything on this planet has been created by aliens. From volcanoes to the pyramids, from Twinkies to cancer, aliens have used Earth as a mad scientist lab to test our intelligence and threshold of gullibility. (BTW, we failed the intelligence part but aced the gullibility.)


(Please let this happen in my lifetime.)

Ancient Aliens has “proven” that a great number of the country’s founding fathers were convinced there was life on other planets, and even documented the first U.S. alien abduction in the late 1700s.

The show goes on to explain that aliens destroyed the dinosaurs so humans could be introduced to earth. Its “experts” showed fossilized images of human footprints walking next to dinosaurs as proof. Lucky! I always wanted a pet dinosaur.


(This chart scares the shit out of me.)

Did you know Stonehenge was a UFO landing site? Did you know the Pharaohs were actually our alien overlords?  Were you aware the Ark of the Covenant was a nuclear device?ark

(That Indiana Jones movie nailed it.)

If highly intelligent beings visited our planet thousands of years ago, where did they go? How come they’re not building super cool things like microchips, satellites and gluten-free donuts?

Or are they . . .? I always wondered about Bill Gates. . .

Top 5 Things I Will Do Before Accepting Your Party Invitation

As a high-functioning introvert, I’ve trained myself to attend public events without breaking out in hives, shutting myself away in the bathroom or yelling at people to “Just stop with the talking, already!!”

But social interaction isn’t high on my to-do list. In fact, I can think of at least 50 things  I will do before accepting your invitation to go clubbing, drinking, partying or anything that involves standing in large groups of people, making small talk and eating crudites.


The list mainly includes some version of reading, TV binge watching, eating/cooking, doing yoga or just sitting on the back porch, staring off into space. But besides those, here are five things I’ll do to avoid socializing.

  1. Clean my fridge. Yes, I would rather handle pounds of rotting broccoli and green onions than go to any “party” involving Tupperware, skin care, jewelry, adult toys or home decor.
  2. Bathe my dog. My dog hates baths more than I hate groups of people. Picture this: Ringo hears the bath water and glides out the doggy door. As the tub fills, I hunt him down, luring him with bites of meat (doesn’t matter what kind). I entice him with squeaky toys to get in the bathroom, when I slam the door and wrestle him into the water. By the time he’s “clean,” there’s no water left in the tub and my bathroom walls are covered with dog hair. Yep, I’d rather do that than party.
  3. Take a Zumba class. Me and Zumba go together like Trump and Clinton. It’s just an ugly, uncoordinated battle that no one wants to see. But if it gets me out of a black-tie reception, I’ll Zumba my ass off.kitchenintrovert
  4. Eat kale. You know how much I hate kale; the attention whore of the greens family. No one likes kale. Everyone who says they like it is a liar. Even deep fried or sprinkled with powdered sugar, kale will still taste like death. But. If I’m invited to a party and told if I don’t attend, I’ll have to eat kale? Done. Kale is my new best friend.
  5. Pull weeds. If I had lived in the Garden of Eden, I would have eaten that apple immediately so I wouldn’t have to weed the damn flower beds. To me, gardening is synonymous with dental appointments. Luckily, my husband is an avid gardener who loves to dig in the soil and be one with the earth. But if digging up dandelions will give me an excuse to stay home, get out the tiny shovels!


So if you invite me to something and I don’t show up, don’t be offended. I would just rather do pretty much anything else, including burning my house down, to avoid insincere conversation and celery sticks.

Top 5 Things I’ve Learned by Going Gluten-free

gluten free

I never wanted to be one of THOSE people who had to tell everyone, from family members to strangers at Walmart, about their gluten intolerance. I didn’t want to be one of THOSE people who read all the food ingredients, interrogated waiters at restaurants until they cried, and then babbled on and on and on about their sensitivity to gluten.

I thought I would continue with my bread-eating, donut-binging, cookie-making life, with no thought to how gluten would one day affect me.


A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that has pissed me off to no end. After years of doctor appointments and blood tests, I was told “You’re just old. Deal with it.” And I thought, “WTF? This is it? I’m going to feel shitty for the rest of my life?”

But finally, I was given a diagnosis and was told going gluten-free would make a huge difference in how I feel. Riiiight. . .

So, I upended my life adapting to this new gluten-free prison, turning down birthday cake and bagels, whilst munching on raw veggies. (Not necessarily a good trade.) But it isn’t too bad. I can still enjoy many of my favorite foods. Like water.glutenfreeHere are the Top 5 Things I’ve Learned By Going Gluten-Free.

  1. Gluten is in freakin’ everything. It’s not just in bread and baking products that contain wheat, oats or other grains. It’s in soy sauce (!), licorice (!!) and even beauty products (!!!) Why can’t gluten be in kale? Or Lima beans?
  2.  Lots of other things are gluten free, including:
    • Libraries
    • Pedicures
    • Grandchildren (usually)
    • Massages
    • Shoe shopping
    • Sunrises
    • The beach
    • Hiking
    • Yoga
    • Margaritas
    • Puppies
    • Sex (usually)
    • Binge-watching TV shows
  3.  There are lots of recipes using alternative flours. Granted, most of those recipes taste like shit. But there are a few that actually taste like chocolate chip cookies. Or brownies. Or waffles. My search continues to find a flour mixture (that doesn’t cost the equivalent of a Tesla) that will allow me to return to my baking habits.brownies
  4. I don’t need to tell everyone I meet I can’t eat gluten. Yes, I understand the hypocrisy of that statement as I post a blog that is read by at least four people. But I can politely refuse baked goods without going off about how gluten has basically ruined my immune system and I’ll probably die a horrible death that involves a dingy motel room and a loaf of sourdough bread.
  5. I feel so much better. After years of daily headaches, overwhelming exhaustion, brutal cramps, unexplained bloating and overall depression, I think this gluten-free thing might be a real solution. It might just catch on.


Deep Thoughts From the 2016 Summer Olympic Games

Besides the super-human performances, the world-record-breaking finishes and the crazy intense tracking of mosquitos and water in Rio de Janeiro at the Summer Olympics, I found myself asking the following questions. (At least until my husband told me to stop talking and just watch, for @#$@’s sake. Geesh.)


(Unofficial mascot of the Summer Games in Rio.)

Why do swimmers wear headphones? Are they listening to whale or dolphin noises?

How can the underwater camera guy, getting shots of the swimmers, hold his breath for so long?

How do the beach volleyball women compete without getting constant wedgies?

Do gymnastic organizers buy chalk in bulk? When they open the bag, does it explode all over the room, like when I rip open a bag of Fruity Pebbles?

Do gymnasts ever get tired of smiling and swinging their arms every time they stand up? Should I start doing that at work?


If Ryan Lochte is ever really robbed at gunpoint, will anyone believe him? Did his horrible dye job affect his judgement?


Have Aly Raisman’s parents been properly sedated?

Shouldn’t the U.S. win all the shooting competitions?

How are you supposed to stand during the national anthem? Is there a rule for crying the appropriate amount for TV (one lone tear, rolling slowly down the cheek)? Do you have to silently mouth the words correctly?

How soon can we expect synchronized horse diving?

Who can explain Greco wrestling?

Is Usain Bolt the coolest person in the world?

When will they bring back tug-of-war and croquet?

Can anyone watch the canoe slalom without singing songs from Disney’s Pocahontas?


(Just around the river bend!!)

Only two more years until the Winter Olympics in PyeyongChang, South Korea. I can’t imagine anything going wrong there. . .

Citius, Altius, Fortius! (Translation: Citrus, HealthCare and Couch Cushion Forts!)

10 Things We Do On Our Birthdays

I’m amazed when people tell me they don’t like birthdays. Whaaa???

You get cake! And presents! And people are nice to you (at least to your face). And you hear from strangers on Facebook!


(Woo-hoo! Birthdays!)

I love birthdays. It brings out the kid in me. There’s an element of tradition and excitement that is unique to YOUR day–even though you celebrate it with thousands of other people around the world.

Having just celebrated a birthday, I realized that even though we’re “adults,” there are still funny birthday things we do. Like thus:

1. Convincing yourself you could pass for 25.

Me (looking in mirror): “Look at those crow’s feet. Are they new?”

Me: “What crow’s feet?”

Me: “That’s what I thought.”

2. Hearing people say, “You’re better off old than dead” or “Just getting better with age.” (I hate these people.)

3. Making sure to blow out all the candles. Because you never know. That wish thing might actually work someday.

4. Opening a birthday card and acting like you didn’t notice the $20 bill in it until you read the entire card. “Oh, wow! Twenty dollars! Thanks! I didn’t realize it was in my card because I was reading this heartfelt message from you.”

5. Hoping your husband read your mind and bought you that great pair of shoes you’ve been hinting at for six weeks–even when you insisted he didn’t need to get you anything for your birthday. (But if he didn’t . . . *shake fist*)


6. Acting like you’re too old to care about presents. But you know you love presents.

7. Checking your Facebook page every 5 minutes to read the birthday wishes.

8. Eating half of your birthday cake, and seven scoops of Cherry Garcia ice cream, because birthday calories don’t count.

9. Counting the years until the next milestone birthday. “Holy, s***! In twelve more years, I’ll be 60! Someone better bring me some more cake and ice cream.”

10. Presents and birthday cake. (Yes, I mentioned it before. But it never hurts to say it again.)