A Sixth Sense

When my oldest daughter turned 15 and my youngest daughter turned 3, strange things began to happen.

The TV turned on and off all day. No matter how often I shut the kitchen cabinets and drawers, they were always open. I’d put toys and books away, and the next minute they were on the floor again. I kept getting pinched and slapped, and I was even head-butted a couple of times. I was pretty sure we had a poltergeist.
poltergeise

(Insane teenager freaking out. And a lady in a red shirt.)

But the psychic I hired to rid my home of this supernatural disturbance had a different idea. “Although teenagers attract destructive spirits because they’re basically horrible people, I don’t think it’s a poltergeist. I think you just have a toddler,” she said in a really creepy voice.

A toddler? It all began to make sense. My toddler had been possessed by a demon. I began listing all the strange occurrences and felt she had a point.

If your toddler exhibits the following behavior, it might be inhabited by one of Satan’s minions.minions

(Minions even look like toddlers.)

  • Projectile vomiting
  • High-pitched shrieking in the middle of the night (causing me to jump out of bed and run into the door frame)
  • Appearing out of nowhere
  • Babbling in a foreign tongue
  • Standing by the bed watching you sleep
  • Talking to “friends” you can’t see
  • Jumping out from behind couches
  • Rattling and slowly turning doorknobs
  • Heavy, loud mouth breathing
  • An aversion to water
  • The disappearance of utensils
  • An overabundance of drool
  • Inexplicable toilet flushing
  • Random blood stains
  • Boogers streaked on the walls

This is just a short list of all the demonic symptoms exhibited by my 3-year-old daughter. And although I was relieved my teenage daughter hadn’t invited a poltergeist to live in her bedroom, she was still a teenager. So, there’s that.

Bathroom Brouhaha

I feel like I’ve missed something. Admittedly, I often feel like this since I’d rather spend my life reading books than interacting with humans, but the furor around this issue leaves me flummoxed.

Recently, the Obama administration told schools to allow transgender students to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity.

Okay. Great. Move on. Right?

Not so fast, common sense. It seems many people in this country received common sense vaccinations, rendering it impossible for them to behave like rational people. So, they scream and freak out, saying Obama has given permission for pedophiles and perverts to access the saintly vault of women’s bathrooms.

Officials in 12 states, including quick-to-be-stupid Utah, are huffing and puffing and stomping their feet, and suing the White House because they feel the issue should be decided “by the states.”

boss

(Actually, yes, he is the boss. He’s the President. Of. The. United. States.)

There have been transgender people using bathrooms in America for decades and it’s never been a problem that I’m aware of (refer to paragraph 1.) So why now?

These aren’t people going into bathrooms with video cameras strapped to their shoes. This directive doesn’t allow the school’s quarterback to barge into the ladies room and kick open doors. It doesn’t grant approval to men to dash through the women’s water closet, giggling and running from stall to stall, peeing on the toilet seats.

Nope. All of that is still not allowed, crazy people.

This White House ruling was meant to foster non-discrimination across the country, and will affect less than 1% of ‘Merica’s population. In fact, .03% of the population are considered transgender, with most of those people undergoing gender transition procedures.

Obama’s hope is that these students can be treated fairly without being discriminated against. So, remind me again why people have their panties in a bunch?

obama

(“Are you s***ing me?”)

Would it bother me if a transgender person used the stall next to me? Nope. I wouldn’t even know. They are normal people, just trying to get through their day with as little stress as possible. Being worried about where they can pee shouldn’t even be a concern.

Does this mean you shouldn’t worry about your children being alone in the bathroom, or you don’t need to keep an eye out for Willy the Weirdo peeking over the stall? Of course not. But odds are it won’t be a transgender person doing the lawbreaking.

 

Traffic Control

brakes

I’ve avoided writing a traffic blog, because complaining about traffic is such a cliche. But instead of bitching about how most Utah drivers graduated from the Fast and Furious Driving School for Sexually-Repressed Individuals, I thought I’d explain some of the rules for the most common violations.

Maybe drivers aren’t intentionally causing mayhem on the roads, maybe they’re just dumbasses. Here’s a quick refresher course for driving safely (and courteously) on the roads.

Red lights: This device, originally intended to stop traffic, is now used as a panhandling kiosk. If you actually stop your car at a red light, you must avoid eye contact with the person holding the “Anything helps” sign.

Solid White lines: Don’t cross a solid white line unless it’s clear, because sneaky sons-of-bitches like to cross the line behind you so you can’t merge safely.

Merging:

drivers

4-way stops: If you’re not sure how to navigate a 4-way stop, just drive your sorry ass back home and throw your driver’s license in the garbage disposal.

Cell phones: Unless you’re a death-row inmate, waiting for a pardon from the governor, there is no reason to be on your phone while driving. And if you’re a death-row inmate talking on a phone in the car, you’ve obviously escaped, stolen the nearest Honda Accord and are taking one last joy ride. Hang up and enjoy it.

Kids or Dogs Driving: Isn’t it cute how little Baby Boy is sitting on daddy’s lap, steering the vehicle? Ain’t it funny how  Fido perches on mommy’s thighs, while sticking his head out the window to bark at passing cars? Snap out of it! You don’t live in a freakin’ Disney movie. Babies and kids can’t drive. Use some adulting for cryin’ out loud.

Hopefully, this refresher course will keep you safe on the roads. Buckle up, my friends.

Raising Eyebrows

I never realized I had eyebrows until I turned 40. I just never gave a s*** if the hair on my forehead was groomed. Thinking about it now, that explains why so many people stared at my forehead when I talked to them.

brows

(You might think this is Frida Kahlo. You are wrong. It’s my high school graduation photo.)

Anyway.

A friend mentioned she needed to get her eyebrows waxed.

“Wha?” I responded. “Do real, non-celebrity people do that?” She looked at me (well, at my forehead) like I’d grown a third eye (but it was covered by my uni-brow).

I’d never even considered tweezing, waxing, brushing, powdering or trimming my furry brows. I just assumed they groomed themselves when they wrapped up in their tiny cocoons for the night.

But her comment got me thinking–and looking in the mirror. My brows scattered above my eyes in several directions with no discernible arch, no defined color and obviously no life goals. It was like watching a bearded hippie crash on my couch.

eyebrows

So off to the waxer I went to get them browbeaten into shape.

I tried not to take offense when the waxing professional saw me and gasped like she’d just witnessed an alien abduction. “Settle down, woman,” I said. “They’re just eyebrows. Lots and lots of eyebrows.”

She placed me in a chair/torture chamber and proceeded to wax the hair off two-thirds of my face, oblivious to my screams and curses. Several people walked into the salon, only to quickly walk back out after my blood curdling shrieks destroyed their ear drums.

When the waxer/torturer was done, she wiped the sweat off her (beautiful) brow and handed me a mirror. I cringed in horror. My face was bright red, with several layers of skin missing in some places, and tiny beads of blood on my eyelids.

But my eyebrows!! They looked amazing! They were sleek and styled, and I suddenly looked, oh, so cosmopolitan. I felt like I should be holding a martini glass in one hand and a cigarette holder in the other.And my eyes!! They looked so much bigger once she’d removed the shrubbery from my eyelids.

I waltzed out of the salon, feeling the breeze on my forehead for the first time in ages. I made it a point to raise my brows as often as possible. (I’m sure people thought I was super-surprised.)

Since then, I’ve tried to keep my eyebrows under control, but because I’m lazy, I sometimes revert to my brow-negligent ways. But I haven’t had to use barrettes to keep them out of my eyes. So that’s definitely an improvement!

Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Woman Having A Baby Girl

I was blessed with four daughters. And by “blessed” I mean I survived raising four girls without landing in a correctional facility or a mental asylum. Yet. As my daughters say, there’s still time.

In our Biblical-based patriarchal society, having four daughters (and no sons) is akin to kicking your ancestors in the teeth. If I was one of King Henry VIII’s wives, I would have lost my head after my second daughter was born. (Disclaimer: losing your mind is different from losing your head. I’ve often done the former, but not the latter.)

SCAN0011

But I LOVE my girls and wouldn’t trade them for all the boys in the world. However, that didn’t stop stupid people from making stupid comments to me when I was expecting one girl after another. These are things people actually said to me that you should NEVER say to a woman having a baby girl.

  1. “Don’t you want to carry on the family name?” Ah, you caught me. I’ve been trying to destroy the family line for ages.
  2. “Aren’t you disappointed?” Wow, I’m so transparent. I’m just devastated that I’m bringing another strong, beautiful young woman into the world.
  3. “Oh, well. Maybe next time it will be a boy.” Really?!?! There has to be a next time!!??
  4. “I’m sure your husband will still love the baby.” What is this, China? Are you listening to yourself?
  5. “The Lord only gives sons to women who will raise them in righteousness.” Well, that explains a lot. But thanks for the vote of confidence

Seriously. If your friend, loved one, family member, distant relative, perfect stranger you see at Starbucks or a random neighbor is pregnant with a baby girl, the only thing you need to say is “Congratulations!”

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Do You Have AWDD?

You might be a perfectly calm, organized human being on the weekend. You manage to find time to eat, shop, play, rest, watch TV, walk the dog, bake cookies, wander aimlessly, do yard work, hit the gym, meditate and read a favorite book.

But on Monday morning, you suddenly find you can’t function. You can’t eat breakfast, shower, match your shoes or leave the house without yelling at various spouses, children or pets. You lose track of keys, wallets, work assignments and phones.

anger

If just the idea of going to work sends you into a whirling frenzy, you might have Aggressive Work Denial Disorder (AWDD). Studies have shown that AWDD symptoms are heightened on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but tend to dissipate for the next two days until by Friday afternoon you’re almost a functioning adult again.

To find out if you suffer from AWDD, answer the following questions:

  1. It’s Sunday afternoon. You  a) have strong feelings of nausea, b) cry for no reason, c) reevaluate all your life choices, d) look for jobs on Craigslist or e) all of the above.
  2. You (barely) get to work on time only to realize you have a meeting in 10 minutes that you’re not prepared for. You a) hide in the bathroom until the meeting is over, b) growl at your co-worker, using a variety of swear words, c) attend the meeting but make sure the other attendees know you’re not happy.
  3. It’s almost lunchtime when you remember you left your lunchbox on the kitchen counter at home. You a) steal someone’s lunch from the fridge in the break room, b) decide this is a great time to start your weight loss program, but by 3 p.m. you’re so hungry you eat two Snickers bars, five handfuls of Hot Tamales and four bags of snack-size Cheetos or c) whine about how hungry you are until someone buys you a sandwich.
  4.  You’re in meeting that you feel is unnecessary or redundant. Instead of participating, you a) play Candy Crush, b) sigh a lot or c) work on a blog for Tuesday.
  5. The project you’re working on is taking twice as long as expected. You a) do a half-assed job to finish it and get it out of the way, b) finish the project, but take three sick days to recover or c) swear you gave it to someone else to complete.
  6. When it comes to time management, you a) create to-do lists, b) just assume you’re remembering everything, or c) what’s time management?
  7. Your level of anger at work ranges from a) grumpy to pissed-off, b) furious to mildly homicidal or c) to raging lunatic to DEFCON 5.anger1

If you answered any of these questions at work, you are definitely an AWDD sufferer because, shouldn’t you be working? I’m creating an AWDD support group that meets anywhere but work on Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Super Tuesday? WTF?

Talk about an oxymoron.”Super Tuesday” is right up there with “airline food,” “Microsoft Works” and “government organization” when it comes to contradictory phrases. But Super Tuesday it is.

Today, residents in 12 states and American Samoa will cast their ballots in either a primary a caucus or a hullabaloo, making it the biggest day of the 2016 presidential ruckus. Why American Samoa? Why the hell not, you racist!

In a clearly misunderstood system, Donald Trump is the inexplicable GOP front runner, expected to win half the delegates needed to claim the nomination. Let me clarify. Trump will have half of the delegates needed to claim the republican nomination for President. Of. The. United. States. trump-combover

Let’s see if any other GOP candidate has the huevos to take Trump down like a harpooned hot air balloon.

  • Texas Sen. Ted Cruz? Probably not.
  • Florida Sen. Marco Rubio? Umm, nope.
  • Ohio Gov. John Kasich? Who?
  • Brain “surgeon” Ben Carson? I didn’t know he was still running.

Basically, republicans are f*%&ed.

For the democrats, Bill Clinton’s wife has been trying really hard to come across as empathetic, understanding and human. And it’s cute how Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders/Larry David still thinks he has a chance. (It’s not good when voters are choosing their candidates based on which SNL character they like the most.)

bernie

(Pretty, pretty, pretty good.)

Super Tuesday is Super Complicated and there are all kinds of legal-ish rules that awards delegates to the person with the biggest caucus. (I think it might be Hillary.) There are all kinds of predictions, polls, fortune cookies and Magic 8 Balls trying to determine the outcome of today’s circus.

Here’s a rundown of what will happen today: The American people will lose.

Luckily, any president that wins in November has a judicial and legislative branch to tone down the crazy. Granted, those branches can add to the crazy–but I guess it could be worse:palin