June 18, 2013 · 9:22 am

Top 5 Cool Things About My Dad

One year, mom bought dad a hammock for Father’s Day. As kids, we thought it was the perfect gift, and immediately took it over. I don’t remember dad lying in it–ever. Not because it was filled with kids, but because he was always tinkering, repairing, fiddling (not the music kind), mending or inventing. He always had something on the drawing board.

Here are some cool things about my dad:

#1–He can build things: You think MacGyver was a bad-ass? My dad makes MacGyver look like a Keystone Kop. Give my dad a toothpick, an empty Coke can, a Ziploc bag and a pair of tweezers–and he can make a working, life-size replica of the Red Baron’s triplane. He can build anything from wooden toys to high-tech, space-age cameras. And that’s just in his spare time.

red baron

(I picture my dad flying through the air, laughing hysterically.)

#2–He’s an Ultimate Treasure Hunter: Using his Indiana Jones-like intuition, my dad can find pirates’ treasure, Incan gold or my lost library book. He can also determine the value of any item in such a way to make the guys on Pawn Stars look like imbecilic rookies. Arrowheads, dinosaur bones, infamous air pirate D.B. Cooper–there’s a good chance he knows where to find them. It’s entirely possible my dad is D. B. Cooper.

#3–He Never Slows Down:  I called my dad on Father’s Day to see what he was up to. Well, he was up a tree, trimming branches at a local museum. Typical dad behavior. Other examples: “Hey, Peri. I just finished making a spinning wheel out of a fallen log (see #1).” Or “Hi, honey. I found a cache of sapphires in my backyard (see #2) and I’m making jewelry to sell at the farmer’s market.”

Marbles

(A cool marble tower my dad built. He also built the banjo, and probably the cassette player.)

#4–He’s an Expert at Blowing Things Up:  Gunpowder is in my dad’s blood. My dad and brother spent copious amounts of time trying to pack explosives into rocket engines. Then they’d blow up the rocket and laugh like maniacs.  The 4th of July was Dad’s pyromaniac paradise; as explosions rocked our quiet Utah subdivision, neighbors would hide in their bathtubs praying for July 5th to dawn.

#5–He Finds Value in Everything: Whether it’s an obsidian arrowhead or a wayward child, my dad doesn’t throw anything away. That old woodpile? Not kindling for the fire, but future toy trains, trucks or picture frames. An abandoned church? Nope, a potentially really cool home with all kinds of hiding places for great-grandchildren. Disobedient kids? Well, don’t we all make mistakes?

Wedding 066

(My handsome dad and my nephew.)

Thanks for an exciting childhood, Dad! I love you.

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June 11, 2013 · 10:13 am

How to Tell if the CIA is Tracking You

Maybe those people with the tinfoil hats were right.

I guess you’ve heard the claims that the U.S. Government used electronic surveillance to track “terrorists.” My first thought was, “Duh.” I assumed the CIA tracked us from the moment of our birth. But maybe tinfoil does keep the government from reading your mind. Because that’s about the only thing they haven’t infiltrated. . . . or have they?

men in black(No matter what they say, these people are not milkmen.)

Here are some ways to tell if the CIA is tracking you:

  • You have a new friend on Facebook named Agent Johnson.
  • You think about ordering pizza and Domino’s shows up at your door.
  • You’re trying to watch Game of Thrones but the channel keeps changing to the latest congressional hearing.
  • General David Petraeus moves next door.

patraeus(“Hi. I’m the new PTA president.”)

  • Your Comcast installer says he has to add a special “feature” to your landline and cell phones.
  • As you listen to your police scanner, you realize they are talking about your house.
  • Your water meter has been checked several times in the last few days.
  • You find someone living in your doghouse.
  • You type “Is the CIA watching me?” onto Google, and this is what shows up:

Yes

  • The ice cream truck has been parked in front of your home for a really long time.
  • You reach in the fridge to grab the milk, and someone hands it to you.
  • You see someone run across your lawn yelling, “We’ve been compromised!!”
  • All your mail has been opened and re-sealed with duct tape.
  • You hear someone say “Bless you” when you sneeze. But you’re home alone.

Now, granted, some of those things can happen with no CIA involvement. But if one or more of these occur regularly, you might want to change your name and move to Brazil. Stay safe, my friends.

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June 4, 2013 · 11:38 am

Stores That Overwhelm Me

choices(So many choices!! How can I ever decide?)

I hate making decisions. I hate choosing where to go for dinner, what movie to watch, what T-shirt to wear, etc. Makes it hard to live with me. (Just ask my husband.) But sometimes I’m faced with so many decisions, I just lie down on the floor and pull a rug over my head. This usually happens at one of the following stores:

Sephora—This mecca of beauty stores is so overwhelming, I need a shot of tequila just to walk in the door. Instantly, I’m pounced on by heavily made-up “ladies” trying to decide if they can “fix” my face or if it’s too late to repair. I don’t know which phrase is worse. “Yes, I can improve your skin’s texture, tone and taste–but it’s gonna cost you a LOOOOOT of money.” (Insert evil laugh.) Or “I really think what you’re already doing is the best it’s gonna get. Maybe come back when they invent the Sephora Time Machine.”

At some point during my visit to Sephora, I break out in hives. But that’s okay, because there are hundreds of products to cure, or cover, the offending rash.

sephora(And this is just the orange colors!! Of one brand. On one aisle.)

Quilted Bear–This Utah-only shop is the largest craft store in the galaxy. Vendors try to out-decorate their booths, competing against women who grew up embroidering tablecloths, making furniture from grapevines and landscaping their Barbie’s townhouse. When I have the urge to walk through The Quilted Bear, I’ve devised a plan. I hit the deli for a soup bowl, the fudge display (for free fudge) and then I get the hell out before the Ghost of Better Homes & Gardens Past comes to hem my skirt and braid my hair.

quilted(Picture this booth. Times 10,000)

Costco–With the big families in Utah (and I mean “big” in every sense), a bulk shopping center makes sense. However, for those of us who feed two (occasionally three) people and a dog, a tub o’ mayonnaise seems unnecessary. Unless I get a job as a fry cook for the U.S. Marine Corps, I don’t imagine I’ll ever buy 50 lbs. of baking soda, a 40 lb. wheel of cheese or a quadruple case of laxatives. Although looking at all that stuff makes me crap my pants.

costco(Big aisles for big people.)

TJ Maxx –This is one store I visit on a monthly basis, but I need to brace myself each time. There are GREAT deals at TJ Maxx. The problem is looking through the thousands of NOT GREAT deals to find the good stuff. Some days, I walk in–and walk right out–not ready to delve into tons of clothing and shoes. Other days, I plan ahead, stock up with trail mix, plug in my iPod and search the racks thoroughly.

purse(And these are just the handbags!!)

Barnes & Noble—Once I enter B&N, I get heart palpitations. Because I’ve made it a life goal to read every book ever written, seeing the shelves and shelves of books is a little discouraging. But, just like eating an entire cherry pie, I take it one bite at a time.

book(I could quite possibly be killed by a book avalanche at B&N.)

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May 28, 2013 · 11:51 am

Top 5 Healthy Food Groups

I spent the holiday weekend eating. Non-stop. Things like pork enchiladas, Fat Kid pizza, Harry & David candies, Mrs. Field’s cookies, popcorn, margaritas, hamburgers and bacon. But I did have a fruit-cup on Monday morning.

binge

(What? Calories don’t count on holidays. Duh.)

As many people do, I decided to wake up this morning (following a weekend of binge eating) and start shoving healthy food into my face. After researching the bests kinds of foods, I’ve compiled a list to help me stay on track.

I vow to eat:

Brown Foods: Things like brown rice, whole wheat pasta and breads fall into this category. But (if I understand colors) this also includes chocolate cake, fudgsicles and caramel corn. I’m pretty sure I can rock this area.

Vegetables/Fruit: I can easily incorporate foods like spinach, asparagus, berries and grapefruit into my diet. And then there’s what I call the “fancy” veggies and fruit: Pringles (potatoes), Bugles (corn), Sunkist Gems and Gummy Bears (assorted fruits) (also found at Harry & David).harry

(So many healthy choices to choose from!)

Nuts/healthy oils: Natural butters like almond and peanut, and products like olive oil, can easily be spread on the aforementioned brown foods–and even some fruits and veggies. But avocado?!?! (yuck. nope.) Also falling into this category is See’s Toffee (this  delicacy is ROLLED in healthy nuts), chocolate covered nuts of all types, and, my favorite, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Sandwich. (This consists of two Reese’s Cups glued together with a glob of peanut butter.) Good times.

Lean meats: Unless someone is selling supermodel jerky, I’ll assume this means skinless chicken breasts, healthy pork cuts (probably not bacon), roasted turkey and small cuts of beef. B.O.R.I.N.G.

Cut back on sugar: Hahahahaha! Nope. (I’m sure this was the FDA’s idea of a joke. Those wacky FDA employees.)

So, starting today, I’m on a healthy eating mission. Just as soon as I finish my chocolate covered cherries from Harry & David. Or . . . maybe that counts as a brown food AND a fruit! Shazaam!

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May 21, 2013 · 11:41 am

Top 5 Things I Learned in Kindergarten

Kindergarten was pretty laid back when I was 5 years old. We weren’t pressured to actually learn anything; it was more of a social experiment. If we didn’t know basic shapes, colors or letters, our teacher assumed we’d learn what we needed from  Sesame Street. So instead of being stressed, we played for a year before the harsh reality of First Grade kicked in.

sesame(This is where I learned all the important stuff.)

My teacher was the amazing Miss Hansen at Viewmont Elementary–and I wanted to marry her. She was pretty, smart, fun and full of ideas to keep a room full of curtain climbers entertained for four hours every day.

Here are some important things I learned in kindergarten:

  • Don’t eat snow. After watching us eat snowballs, Miss Hansen got out her handy-dandy hot plate, dumped a pile of snow in a pot, and melted it so we could see what we were eating. Floating in the melted snow were various items including gravel, a rodent skeleton and the bumper of a VW Beetle. I haven’t eaten snow since.

melted snow(This pile of crap was found in a melted snowman.)

  • Boys are strange creatures. When I started kindergarten, I hadn’t been blessed with my little brother yet. He wasn’t even a naughty grin on my dad’s face.  So encountering boys on a daily basis induced several levels of culture shock. Boys made weird sounds. They banged dump trucks into my ankles. They ran around with no purpose. And they thought the word “poop” was literary genius. Turns out, boys didn’t change much as I got older.
  • Sitting incorrectly is dangerous. If you lean back in your chair you’ll fall over, break your neck and end up in a wheelchair forever. This horrifying lesson stayed with me long after kindergarten graduation. I still think of Miss Hansen when I see somebody balancing on the back legs of a chair.

chair

  • Coconut milk is pretty nasty. During the spring, Miss Hansen planned a faux class trip to Hawaii. We drew pictures of what we’d pack (swimming suit and candy), made leis (nobody snickered), went on a “plane trip” and had a sip of coconut milk. And promptly spit that crap out.
  • It’s okay to wear pants. I wore dresses all the time. It gave me the illusion I was a sweet little girl. My dad bought me a new dress for kindergarten and I wore that blue dress with the attached red apron until it fell apart. But, before the annual zoo trip, Miss Hansen insisted everyone wear pants. I was shocked. And then I discovered I loved pants! I could climb without boys looking up my dress (see Boys Are Strange Creatures)! Haven’t worn a dress since.

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May 14, 2013 · 11:52 am

Attention Whore Techniques

attention

We’ve all been in settings when one person dominates the conversation. You could be in the middle of delivering a eulogy, or a child, and attention whores will still steal your spotlight. Short of manslaughter, there are not many ways to stop them. They live in a world of their own. These people include:

The Explainer: This person thinks everyone around him has the IQ of a legume. Therefore, it is his responsibility to explain, in excruciating detail, what is happening. “In case you’ve never heard the term ‘thermometer,’ it is a device that measures temperature.” Or “Let me explain the situation in Libya in terms you can understand. Blah, blah, blah. Breath. Blah, blah, blah, etc.”

The Interrupter: You’re in the middle of a great story when, from out of nowhere, The Interrupter pipes in–guessing the end of your story, or changing the subject altogether. Most Interrupters are murdered before they turn 45.

photo bomb

(Typical Interrupter behavior.)

The Redundant: This person is also called The Echo, The Superfluous, The Back-Up, or The Repetitive. The Redundant has several irritating behaviors which include a) exactly repeating what has already been said, b) repeating what has been said in a different way, c) echoing the last few words that were said. Example:

First person: I think this must be the hottest day of the year.

The Redundant: It sure seems like it’s the hottest day of the year.

First person: I could use a cold drink.

The Redundant: I think drinks are in order!

First person: Are you a professional echo?

The Redundant: Echo . . .

The Irritated: Not only does The Irritated have NO TIME for your conversation, she goes out of her way to let you know her time is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than yours. Irritated tendencies include finger drumming, toe tapping, knee bouncing, a pursed expression and playing on her phone while you’re explaining how sad you are your dog died.  They’re not listening. Leave.

The One-Upper: You just climbed Mount Everest. But The One-Upper climbed Mount Everest in the off-season, carrying his sherpa up the hill even after losing three fingers to frostbite. Or. You received a job offer from Apple that will double your salary. Too bad, because The One-Upper now operates Apple. You just can’t win. Stop trying.

knife 2(“You call that a knife?” Typical One-Upper.)

The best way to deal with  attention whores is to walk in the other direction. They won’t realize you’re gone until they need someone to refill their coffee.

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May 7, 2013 · 9:49 am

Top 5 Reasons I Hate My “Smart” Phone

I woke up recently and my beloved cell phone had a message for me. It said, “$#$@ you.” Then it rolled over and died. For good. I tried performing CPR but it was too late.

I LOVED my old cell phone. It let me call people. It let me text people. That was it. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t ask much and we had a great relationship.

cell phone(Good-bye, old friend.)

I HATE my new “smart” phone. Now, not only do I waste time playing Doodle Jump, and downloading apps–but it continually lets me know I’m not nearly as smart as this stupid little phone. Here are the top 5 reasons I hate my “smart” ass phone:

#1– I can’t answer the damn thing: So, I’m on my phone, trying to figure out Words With Friends (especially hard when you have no friends) and my phone starts ringing. I’m pushing all kinds of buttons, trying to slide the screen, whatever it takes. Nothing. Can’t figure out how to answer the *%**#@ phone.

#2–The sticky screen: You’d think I sweat maple syrup from my fingers. Either that, or I have a serious ear wax problem that’s gone undiagnosed for years. My phone’s screen is constantly attracting stickiness. And if I try to clean the screen, I turn on all kinds of apps that I had no intention of opening. Or I call China.

#3–The keyboard: I never realized my fingertips were so freaking huge. I take my cucumber-size fingers, and dumbly punch at numbers on my phone (leaving a sticky residue), and never quite spelling out texts the way I’d like. I’m sick of typing, “Wher ar your meettinh mr?” Or sending half-finished texts because I accidentally hit send.

mytouch(My new phone: The myBadTouch.)

#4–The ultra-sensitive screen: Only teenage girls are more sensitive than my phone. If I’m trying to tap a specific app (see “cucumber-size fingers”), I’ll punch everything around it, bringing up all kinds of garbage. Or, I’ll push directly on the button–and it lights up, meaning, yes, it was tapped. No response. Just a slow b-l-i-n-k as the phone shuts itself off. And I often find that my cheek is playing Angry Birds while I’m trying to talk to my sister.

#5–No charge: No, I don’t mean my phone was free. I mean my phone goes through power like a Kardashian goes through plastic surgeons. My phone holds a charge like Lindsey Lohan holds her liquor. Not well. I feel like I’ve purchased a ’90s Giga-Pet that needs to fed, loved and nurtured 24/7.

giga pet(It was irritating then. More irritating now.)

Maybe one day, I’ll fall in love with my phone. Maybe one day, my phone will accidentally fly off the nearest overpass. Maye one day, I’ll just take my big fingers and buy a rotary phone.

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