Kitchen Counterintelligence

Trump adviser and covert-appliance specialist Kellyanne Conway recently warned Americans that the CIA has discovered a way to turn microwaves into cameras with the intent to gather delicious data on the populace.

As an entity, the CIA shit a brick after learning Conway spilled the beans on the entire spying scheme. (I always thought the “A” was for Agency but we now know it’s Central Intelligence Appliances.)

Wikileaks released a billion documents detailing the extent of the scandal, rendering every kitchen in the country a base for sneaky operatives. (Luckily, the window of my microwave is so covered with exploded spaghetti sauce that a complete view of my kitchen is impossible.)

The documents show the CIA has infiltrated other kitchen appliances, starting with the fridge. I was pretty sure the fridge was the leader of the group since it continues to passive aggressively freeze all my produce in the vegetable bins.

All those smart fridges we thought could just order milk were actually documenting how often we stand with the door open waiting for delicious food to magically appear. It also judges our use of leftovers and how many opened cans of chicken broth we have at any given time.

fridge

My dishwasher is too stupid to be an effective spy. It tends to lazily spit on my dishes without actually getting anything clean. Drying is obviously too much of an effort for my dishwasher, so it doesn’t bother. If it’s working for the CIA, it should be reassigned to the scrap heap.

dishwasher

(Now with a stealthy periscope.)

You know it’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are toasters with high-tech listening capabilities, hand mixers that can tell if you’re stressed, and garbage disposals with the ability to analyze all the food you waste. In fact, while we’re laughing about this, I just noticed my blender is slowly moving closer to get a better view.

Thank goodness, Conway is on top of the situation, warning the American public that the CIA is watching us from our ovens and coffee makers. Enjoy your next family dinner.

 

 

 

 

Lazy Ways to Improve Your Marriage

So you have a spouse. Now what do you do?

Marriage is much more than mindlessly irritating the person you love for the rest of your life. Marriage is a sacred bond that states you promise to listen to your spouse chew his/her food until the day you die.

But how do you make it last? What can you do (that takes little or no effort) so your spouse thinks you’re the bomb?

Here are some of the laziest ways to strengthen your relationship:

Touch each other. A gentle touch creates a spark of affection. However, the following touches will get you divorced faster than you can say “alimony.” No touching my feet, chin(s), waist, knees or that part on my arm where my tricep muscle should be. And no tickling! For God’s sake, no tickling!

Cook dinner together. You know, like in the movies where the couple turns on the radio and starts dancing while slicing carrots, onions and potatoes? Like that only with a lot more sliced off fingers and 4-letter words.

husband-cooking

(It’s always a good idea to sneak up behind someone who’s holding a knife.)

Be playful. A co-worker suggested I drop a handful of flour on my husband’s face while he’s sleeping. “It will be hilarious,” he promised.

Joke’s on me. After calling 9-1-1 because my hubbie inhaled a lungful of unbleached flour, I had to clean up the mess on the dry-clean only comforter before changing the sheets and promising to sleep in the guest room for a week.

Don’t be super sensitive. If your spouse walks on eggshells when you’re around, there could be a problem. First, who the hell left all those eggshells on the floor!? Second, if your spouse is never sure which personality you’ll be today, it can cause tension between the two (or more) of you.

Show your partner you’re carefree by laughing and tossing your hair. Don’t take everything so personally. Stop slamming doors when your husband mentions your potato salad tastes like s***. Shake it off. A lifetime in prison isn’t worth it.

Spend time alone. Even best friends need a break, especially if you’ve both suffered a week of constant touching, bloody meals, flour ingestion and hurt feelings. Maybe go your separate ways for a few hours, if only to contact an attorney.

I guess this blog wasn’t very helpful. 😦

Things Trump Should Ban

While The Donald sits in the Oval Office signing executive orders meant to divert and distract our attention, I wake up each morning waiting to see if we’ve nuked anyone yet. So far, so good.

But with all his power, it seems Trump is completely focused on the wrong things to ban. There are much worse things than refugees trying to infiltrate Detroit.

As you wield your mighty pen in your tiny hands, Mr. Prez, here are some alternative suggestions for you to ban.

  • Racism. (Oh, right . . .)
  • Internet pop-up ads.

popup

(Unless they’re all this funny.)

  • The automatic message on voicemail that says, “If you’d like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.” After decades of leaving messages, I think we’ve got this.
  • Teenagers
  • Wind
  • Cosmopolitan magazines sex tips.(I do what with the hand mixer?)
  • Diet Coke
  • Poverty and hunger. (It was estimated that Trump’s inauguration cost more than $200 million. Two. Hundred. Million. American. Dollars.)
  • People calling to sell me solar panels.

solar

  • January
  • Pull-tops on cans that break off because then you can’t open the can of crushed pineapple without slicing your wrist open on the jagged edges of the can that you pried open with a pair of tweezers.
  • War
  • Happy Meal toys
  • Haggis

That should give The Donald a whole bunch of things to take care of during this second week (only second week?!?) of his presidency. Feel free to add your own ideas to the list.

 

2017: Year of the Woman

strongwomen

Declaring 2017 to be the Year of the Woman, I googled “Men doing good things for women” to get examples of equality and understanding.

Instead, the first page offered topics like “10 things men LOVE women to do during hot sex” and “8 things men wished women knew about sex.”

Heavy sigh.

This only re-emphasizes how men seem to only relate to women on a sexual basis. Not as humans, but as toys. Maybe this explains the recent abhorrent behavior that includes efforts to shut down Planned Parenthood clinics, a woman’s right to abortion or contraception being hindered, police departments destroying untested rape kits and the fact that a misogynistic, pussy-grabbing caveman is the leader of our country.

Women are furious. Don’t blame our hormones. Blame a society that continues to devalue our talents and abilities. We’re sad. Not because its “That time of the month” but because it’s heartbreaking to see inequality and sexism continue in another generation of young people.

We’ve focused on raising our daughters to be brave and bold like our sons, but we need to raise our sons to be empathetic and kind like our daughters. We need our sons and grandsons to understand that respecting women goes far beyond opening doors, it’s about being seen and treated as equals.

Female celebrities are embracing the cause:

After President-Elect Trump’s “Nasty woman” comment to Hillary Clinton during a debate, Samantha Bee made “Nasty Woman” a rallying cry–and a super-cool T-shirt.

Jennifer Aniston, firing back at tabloid news agencies, explained that she doesn’t need a husband and children to be complete.

Amy Schumer shut down the haters when it was announced she would be in the new Barbie movie.schumer

“We need to laugh at the haters and sympathize with them. They can scream as loud as they want. We can’t hear them because we are getting shit done. I am proud to lead by example.”–Amy Schumer

Olympic Gold Medalist Simone Biles stated, “I’m not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I’m the first Simone Biles.”

In her heartbreaking concession speech, Hillary Clinton said, “To all the little girls watching…never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world.”

And Michelle Obama, one of the country’s strongest leaders, stated, “No country can ever truly flourish if it stifles the potential of its women and deprives itself of the contributions of half of its citizens.”

womensmarch

This Saturday, thousands of women around the country will march in conjunction with The Women’s March on Washington. They march to send a message to the new president that women’s rights are human rights. They march to let the world know that we are rising and men need to stop holding us down out of fear we’ll fly higher than they ever imagined. What could we accomplish if men actually encouraged our flight?

“America is still a great country and it is still worth fighting for. . .  And if Ms. Rodham’s not in the White House that’s okay — one of those girls is going to be. We still have millions of Nasty Women who aren’t going away, and as long as women over 25 are still allowed on television, I’ll be here, cheering them on.”–Samantha Bee

 

Hell to the Chief

It’s inevitable. In 10 days, a gold and diamond encrusted ShitMobile will usher the new First Family into the White House. Barring a Colorado-sized asteroid hitting the planet, chances are the new Commander in Chief will kick off the next four years of tyranny. . . um, I mean . . . what do I mean?

southpark

You’d think with his kind of $$$$, he could buy a thick skin—which he’ll need since Alec Baldwin has a 4-year gig on SNL and Meryl Streep called him out at the Golden Globes and journalists worry about his relationship with the press. He repeatedly responds to criticism with his big Twitter thumbs a-blazing, never allowing a comment to pass without an overreaction.

I thought it would be fun (horrifying) to reacquaint ourselves with our new Prez’s . . . um . . . original way of speaking by compiling some of his most inspirational (bat-shit-crazy) quotes.

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” (Just threw up a little.)

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” (I thought it was his radioactive glow.)

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” (More with the throwing up.)

“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” (He buys his women in bulk at Costco.)

“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.” (Just like Wonder Woman’s golden lasso!! He is just like us!)

“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” (I don’t understand.)

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” (True, not sexist, wisdom from our President.)

“Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood . . .” (Has he ever seen a movie?)

“One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.” (We’ll end our list with that ironic statement.)

I’ve given up hope that Ashton Kutcher has organized a monumental Punk’d episode. I’ve become accustomed to the idea that our country will be led by someone too intelligent to take advice, too wealthy to understand poverty and too horny to be respected.

southparktrump

I honestly hope he proves me wrong.

“I would bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”

Dear, God. We’re so screwed.

 

 

Irreplaceable: Carrie Fisher

A piece of my heart died on Tuesday when I heard Carrie Fisher had passed away. She changed my childhood and rewrote what it meant to be a powerful woman.

When I was a young girl, Princess Leia was everything I wanted to be. Brassy and brave, and full of swagga while carrying a blaster and saving the galaxy in a floor-length dress.

lei

In later years, my admiration grew. She was so willing to talk about things no one discussed, and so willing to be her own wonderful self. She was never a damsel in distress, never a maiden looking for her white knight. Carrie Fisher was already complete and goddamn fine with who she was.

Here’s why I loved her:

Her razor-sharp wit. Who knew a woman could be funny AND smart AND successful AND throw norms out the window? She was a knee-slapping, rip-roaring, pee-leaking, side-splitting, cheeks-hurting comedic genius. If she’d survived this heart attack, she would have written a brilliant book about her experience and the subsequent media ape-shitting that followed.

Her honesty. She said, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” She was brutally honest about her addiction and mental illness.She shared her struggle without glossing over the messy bits–and threw in heavy doses of dark humor.

postcards

(If you haven’t read “Postcards From the Edge”, you need to buy a copy. Tuh-day.)

She never forgot her Star Wars roots. It’s hard to be a real-life super hero. Carrie Fisher was not Princess Leia. But she knew to millions of fans, she represented a rebellion against the Dark Side. She was gracious in her acceptance of that role and re-embraced it as General Organa. She continued to kick galactic ass, enthralling a whole new generation.

She was entirely herself. Carrie Fisher was not perfect. In a time when image is everything, she refused to believe that. She said offensive things. She pissed people off. She refused to be silent in regard to body-shaming and the unrealistic expectations imposed on women in the spotlight–and out of the spotlight.

She loved her French bulldog. Gary Fisher was one of the most pampered and recognizable pooches in Hollywood. With his Twitter account reaching  more than 10K followers, his posts following her death were heartbreaking as he faithfully waited for her to return.

garyfisher

(Gary Fisher during yet another interview.)

Just like Gary Fisher and millions of fans, I’ll miss Carrie Fisher terribly. The world just got a little less funny, a little less sarcastic and a lot less beautiful.

 

 

An Open Letter to Santa 2016

santaletter

Dear Santa,

I fear we’ve miscommunicated. I thought we agreed there were certain people on your list who would NOT be given the gift of the United States presidency.

Maybe when I specifically asked you to “Give him coal” you heard, “Let’s bring back coal.” Perhaps when I said, “Protect women’s rights” you were certain I said, “Let’s roll the advancement of women back to the 1950s.” Maybe  a rational, temperate, well-spoken and kind president wasn’t available this year. Perhaps it was out of stock?

I understand. Maybe you were blinded by the orange glow radiating from the president-elect’s skin. Perhaps his promise to “Bring back Merry Christmas” was enough for you to look the other way as he Twitter-raged through the last couple of months.

When I was a child, if I treated others poorly or if I was bombastic and proud, I would be disappointed on Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure if I had secret dealings with a Russian leader, spewed racist and/or sexist comments and continued to think I was “Smart enough” to run a country without intelligence briefings, I would get a lump of coal in my stocking.

Oh, wait. He got Big Coal, Big Oil and Big Industry for Christmas.

While the idea of a Trump presidency scares the shit out of me, I keep wishing on a Christmas star that his pompous act is all for show, and deep down he knows what the hell he’s doing. But as he continues to rant at Twitter execs, Vanity Fair, the cast of Hamilton and SNL, and anyone else who dares have an opposing view, I fear for the future.

So, Santa, since you’ve already f***ed up the holiday season, maybe bring our new president the gift of diplomacy, grace, humility and love for all human beings. Or bring the rest of us lots of alcohol.

Love,

Peri