Super Tuesday? WTF?

Talk about an oxymoron.”Super Tuesday” is right up there with “airline food,” “Microsoft Works” and “government organization” when it comes to contradictory phrases. But Super Tuesday it is.

Today, residents in 12 states and American Samoa will cast their ballots in either a primary a caucus or a hullabaloo, making it the biggest day of the 2016 presidential ruckus. Why American Samoa? Why the hell not, you racist!

In a clearly misunderstood system, Donald Trump is the inexplicable GOP front runner, expected to win half the delegates needed to claim the nomination. Let me clarify. Trump will have half of the delegates needed to claim the republican nomination for President. Of. The. United. States. 

Let’s see if any other GOP candidate has the huevos to take Trump down like a harpooned hot air balloon.

• Texas Sen. Ted Cruz? Probably not.
• Florida Sen. Marco Rubio? Umm, nope.
• Ohio Gov. John Kasich? Who?
• Brain “surgeon” Ben Carson? I didn’t know he was still running.

Basically, republicans are f*%&ed.

For the democrats, Bill Clinton’s wife has been trying really hard to come across as empathetic, understanding and human. And it’s cute how Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders/Larry David still thinks he has a chance. (It’s not good when voters are choosing their candidates based on which SNL character they like the most.)

(Pretty, pretty, pretty good.)

Super Tuesday is Super Complicated and there are all kinds of legal-ish rules that awards delegates to the person with the biggest caucus. (I think it might be Hillary.) There are all kinds of predictions, polls, fortune cookies and Magic 8 Balls trying to determine the outcome of today’s circus.

Here’s a rundown of what will happen today: The American people will lose.

Luckily, any president that wins in November has a judicial and legislative branch to tone down the crazy. Granted, those branches can add to the crazy–but I guess it could be worse: