My Christmas Wish List

Christmas is a time for making wishes–even those outrageously ludicrous wishes that involve Dunkin Donuts, sweat pants and unlimited calories. So if we’re making unrealistic wishes for Santa to grant, here’s my Christmas list:

Dear Santa,

I wish that:

Repubs and Demos can put their differences aside for the next two years, and actually focus on healing this country. What a concept!

I never have to see another picture of any Kardashian’s ass ever again.

(Another big Kardashian ass.)

Milk chocolate will be deemed the new health food–especially when it’s filled with caramel or poured over cashews.

North Koreans will develop a sense of humor.

Jon Stewart will announce his candidacy for president of the United States, with Stephen Colbert as his running mate.

People will stop shooting each other.

Pope Francis embarks on a world-wide tour, with the Dalai Lama as an opening act. Or Eminem.

 (The Pope-Marshall Immortal Tour.)

People will stop asking me if I’m ready for Christmas. So much guilt! So much shame!

Every child in the world can go to bed with a full tummy.

The Mars Curiosity rover will find wreckage from the Star Trek Enterprise. Or Amelia Earhart’s plane.

Vladimir Putin will stand the hell down.

ISIS will self-destruct, or be eaten by a random band of zombies–who then self-destruct.

Girls in every country can attend school without fear.

Celebrities will stop talking about how “real” they are.

No one will ever say “gluten-intolerance” ever, ever again.

Governments will stop fixing blame, and start fixing problems.

And finally, I wish for peace. Not the Miss America kind, but a lessening of anger, a quieting of turmoil and an overall kindness to people worldwide. Is that too much to ask?

Thank you, Santa.

PK