Terrible Things to Say to Someone on a Diet

If you are speaking to, dating, married to or just looking at a woman, there’s a good chance (100%) that she’s just finished a diet, just started a diet, is cheating on a diet or will be starting a diet tomorrow. There’s never a time women don’t think about food/calories/dress sizes/exercise/futility.

If you are a sensitive-type person, you’ll be conscious of this fact, and avoid saying something stupid. If you’re not sensitive, here’s a handy list of things you shouldn’t say if you want to avoid having someone punch you in the throat.

• “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” What the hell are you? A Velociraptor? That’s like saying, “I love all the mounds of flesh barnacled to your skeleton.”

(“I’ll just baste you with some lemon juice.” Tasty.)

• “You just need more willpower.” The only willpower I need is the willpower not to stab you in the kidney.
• “Are you sure you should eat that?” Unless I’m unknowingly placing a live scorpion in my mouth, shut the hell up.
• “I thought you were on a diet.” Well, I was on a diet from murdering people. But now I’m not. I’m a yo-yo murderer.
• “I like having something to hold on to.” That’s what handlebars are for. Leaving my muffin top alone!
• “How much do you want to weigh?” I want to weigh enough so I can sit on your chest and asphyxiate you boa constrictor-style.
• “Just think like a thin person.” The thin people I know seem angry, depressed and very, very hungry. I’ll just eat this apple pie and call it good.
• “It’s probably a glandular/hormonal/metabolic/pre-menopausal problem.” Unless my glands weigh 20 pounds each, that’s probably not it. And if you say I’m pre-menopausal, you might want to run from me as far and as fast as you can.
• “Aren’t you hungry?” Yes!! By all the Norse Gods! I’m starving here!
• “Have you tried exercising?” Wow! Exercise! Why didn’t I think of that?

In fact, there’s really not much you can say that will keep you from getting slapped. Just leave a plate of lemon squares on the porch, and you’ll probably be safe.