Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Say To a Woman

Consider this blog a public service for anyone who’s ever dealt with a female. I get it. We can be moody, unpredictable, pouty and, yes, even grouchy—but we have cause. The cause is usually a man saying something thoughtless.

If you’ve ever said these things to a woman–vow to never do so again.

1. “You look tired.”  Are you stupid? This is the equivalent of telling a woman she looks 10 years older than she is. I don’t care if my eyes are closed and I’m snoring, do NOT tell me I look tired.

2. “Do you want me to explain that to you?” Oh, please, would you? My small little brain can’t understand the concept of this intricate plot involving fast cars, women in mini-skirts and assault rifles. Maybe later we can practice my colors.

3. “Is it That Time of the Month?” If by “That Time of the Month” you mean “Time to Stab People,” then yes. Yes, it is.

4. “Are you feeling bloated today?” Or anything similar, including but not limited to: Your face looks fuller today. Is that medium top going to fit? What diet are you on today? You shouldn’t eat that—with your decreased metabolism, impending menopause, and all. Are you sure you want fries? Those jeans look a little tight.

(Maybe it’s not bloating. Maybe it’s a toxic megacolon.)

5. “What’s for dinner?” Unless I look like a microwave oven, you can assume you’ll never get another meal out of me if you continue to ask this question. Why do I have to cook dinner? Are your arms painted on? Did you lose the use of your hands in WWII? Can you not read a cookbook? Is pouring a bowl of cereal for yourself too difficult?

By avoiding these insanely stupid questions, men and women might live in relative peace. At least until women ask things like, “Are you watching Sports Center again?” or “Do you really need all those lawn tools?” or “Haven’t you had enough beer?”

And the battle goes on . . .