Romance 101

(When saying “No” just isn’t enough.)

Ah, yes. It’s time for another round of “How much do you love me?” a.k.a. Valentine’s Day. This day is the true test of timeless love, eternal heartshapes and air kisses. And if you FAIL? (Sad, slow shake of the head.) (To celebrate, I’ve found some AWESOME V-Day cards that I will sprinkle throughout my blog.)

(This comes with pepper-spray.)

My husband and I have varying opinions about this Hallmark-hyped holiday. He is a sweet man who regularly adores me–despite the date on the calendar, and despite my snarky attitude. I, on the other hand, don’t have a single romantic bone, muscle or fat cell in my body. Rom-coms make me vomit, love songs induce eye-rolling and smarmy poetry makes my upper arms itch.

(This also doubles as divorce papers.)

So I decided to take a crash course in romance. I turned to my all-knowing resource (Wikipedia) to find ways to become romantic

The first idea was Make It Personal: So I told my husband my lack of romantic ability was all his fault.

The next suggestion, Break the Monotony: At first I thought it said “Monogamy” and that didn’t go over so well. (My bad.) But then I realized my mistake. So, when my husband got home from a meeting, I jumped out of a closet and scared the s*** out of him. Don’t call ME monotonous.

Then, Focus on the Little Things: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I’m just going to skip this one.

Finally, Be Sincere: I sincerely don’t have any clue how to be romantic. I looked for cards depicting koala bears vomiting rainbows or Cupids slinging arrows into people’s still-beating hearts, but no luck.  I learned anything cute, red, lacy, sunsety, chocolatey, furry, violinish or feathered is deemed “romantic.” So I got my husband a garishly-painted red bunny wearing a lace collar and a feather boa sitting on a Hershey’s bar. And I gave it to him at sunset while we were sitting on the couch. (I’m pretty sure it was sunset.)

(I wouldn’t be NEARLY as tasty without those extra 15 pounds.)

I hope these V-Day tips will help make your holiday special. If all else fails, fake a debilitating illness for 24 hours with a quick recovery on Feb. 15.

(Just plain messed up.)