Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I know this time of year is loco. I know it can be frustrating. And I’m sure more murders are committed in December than any other time of year. (That’s the Spirit of Christmas for you.)

(Look at all the happy Christmas people.)

So I TRY to be patient while children shriek, shoppers cut in line, stores run out of items and neighbors leave fudge on my doorstep for dogs to pee on.

But there are some things that REALLY need to stop before I blow a holiday gasket.

• A store advertises EVERYTHING IS ON SALE!! Then they list a whole shitload of exceptions: jewelry, fragrances, clothes, shoes, home furnishings and bath towels. (Things on sale: blue toothbrushes and wooden spoons.)

(Clue here: “Selected” items have been marked down. Yep.)

• The frantic woman behind me in line who thinks sighing loudly and bumping into me with her large ass will make the line move faster.
• Kids holding candy canes while they’re crying. They turn into red, slobbery, sticky, mucousy messes. Coal for you, kid.
• Children who either have a mile-long list for Santa–or no ideas at all.
• Christmas family newsletters. Yes, I know you have the perfect family–but I don’t. If I wrote a Christmas newsletter, I’d have child services, immigration, neighborhood watch and Santa breathing down my neck.

(That’s great your family learned Chinese this year, and built homes in Haiti and knitted scarves for the homeless. Aren’t you perfect? I spent our Christmas budget on bail.)

• ANY Christmas song by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Especially when it’s Muzaked in elevators.
• Having no money. The ATM just laughs at me when I try to withdraw cash.
• Those irritating, irritating kiosk workers at the mall who each try shoving their product in my face. I haven’t made eye contact with anyone at the mall since September.