I Blame The ’70s

I was just a little girl during the ’70s, but this decade was a formative time for my little brain. Many of my quirks can be traced  back to that crazy era of equal rights, cold war and my introduction to “The Pink Panther” movies.

Here are some of the trends that shaped who I am today (for good or bad):

The Gong Show: This early version of “America’s Got Talent” proved to me that if you suck–people will let you know in loud and obnoxious ways.

Pong: One day while visiting my grandpa, he pulled us kids aside to show us his latest treasure. It was a huge box that connected to the TV set. He turned it on and my life changed. Atari’s Pong taught me how to waste vast amounts of time while sitting on my ass. A tradition I still embrace today.

(Don’t mock me. This was some high-tech s*** back in the day.)

Test Tube Babies: I was too young to understand the concept behind this ground-breaking procedure. All I was concerned about was how a baby could possibly fit into a test tube.

“Jaws” (the book): When I was 8, I decided to read “Jaws.” I got it from the library–and my mom’s head exploded. “You are NOT going to read that trash, young lady!!!”” Which made me want to read it even more. So. I decided to run away. To my aunt’s house. Two blocks away. It didn’t work and my mom didn’t change her mind. (But I read it anyway–and had nightmares for about, oh, 35 years. Take THAT, mom.)

(Some scary stuff when you’re 8.)

“Charlie’s Angels” and “The Bionic Woman”: It was empowering to see women chasing criminals–and looking good at the same time. This taught me that women can be beautiful, strong and respected; as long as they wear skimpy clothes and/or have robotic legs.

Holly Hobbie: Instead of being the little girl with blonde hair, lanky legs, buck teeth and fat cheeks that I was, I wanted to be Holly Hobbie. With her beautiful curls, demure smile and tiny features, she was everything I wasn’t. She taught me to suck it up because I’ll always have buck teeth and fat cheeks.  Bitch.

(The first girl to kill my self-image.)

Then there was “The Waltons”, the Fonz, bicycles with banana seats, disco, “The Brady Bunch”, Fat Albert, Mr. Peabody and Sherman,  Spirograph, “Star Wars”, The Hustle, Mr. Whipple (“Please, don’t squeeze the Charmin.”), Pop Rocks, Slime and my Easy Bake Oven. All of these things made me who I am today.

Completely schizophrenic.

(Forget school. This is the place I learned all the important stuff.)