I kept my hopes up all through Christmas Eve. I didn’t give up when I woke up and there wasn’t a new car in the driveway. I kept the faith and KNEW that Santa would be driving up in my black IS 350 Lexus convertible at any time.
(Any minute now. . .)
And slowly my spirits were dashed against those Christmas rocks of reality. I hadn’t been that depressed since General Mills stopped making Sprinkle Spangles breakfast cereal.
(“Spangled every angle with sprinkles!”)
So I stayed in bed all day Monday trying to figure out what I had done, what sin I had committed, that would keep Santa from giving me my Lexus. In no particular order, I:
Threw a fit when I lost at Rack-O. Also, tennis, Clue, Chutes and Ladders, and Memory. (My 3-year-old granddaughter cheats.)
(I TOLD you it was Miss Scarlet, in the lounge, with the rope!!!)
Wore white after Labor Day.
Didn’t return my overdue library book until I finished it.
Told my grandkids the SpongeBob SquarePants channel was broken.
(WAAAYYY too much intensity. Tone it down, Bob.)
Told my grandkids my TV was broken.
Didn’t give $1 to the homeless guy by the freeway
Ate all the cookie dough and blamed the dog
Stayed on the elliptical longer than my alloted 35 minutes. (How can I lose weight in 35 minutes?!?)
Watched YouTube videos about kittens instead of working.
I didn’t think these sins were particularly nasty–especially when there were LOTS of things I WANTED to do–but didn’t. But I guess they added up to one big empty driveway. Starting today, or maybe next week, I’ll be good.
I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.
(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)
I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:
- Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.
- Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.
(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)
- Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.
(Fa, la, la, la. . . .whatever. My beer’s empty.)
- Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.
(I think it’s time for a special Hallmark Christmas intervention.)
- Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.
- Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.
(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)
- Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.
- Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?
(Okay. It’s still funny.)