Tag Archives: romance

February 8, 2013 · 12:55 pm

Romantic Ideas for Valentine’s Day

As most of you know, I’m as far from romantic as I could possibly be. (See Romance 101.) But each February I attempt to bring a modicum of romance to Valentine’s Day. (Modicum definition: smidgen—or a solitary carnivore in the weasel family. I never remember.)wolverine

(A modicum in its natural habitat.)

I scour websites for ways to show my hubbie I love him.  I try to avoid anything that involves a) public nudity, b) photography, c) snake handling, d) McDonald’s–or any combination of the above.

Here are some “romantic” things I’ll do for my husband this Valentine’s Day:

  • Hide notes for him around the house. I tried this once using words made from cut-up magazines and newspapers, with a demand for new shoes–or his favorite golf club would disappear forever. He didn’t find it romantic at all.
  • Attend a public event without whining. My husband is uber-social. He likes people. So, just for this special day, I’ll go to a public event without complaining, begging to leave or sulking in the bathroom. Probably.
  • Kiss him in an unusual place. Maybe I didn’t understand this one correctly, but I guess kissing him by the garbage cans didn’t count.
  • Watch golf with him without complaining. Are you kidding?!?! I think that’s going a little too far. . .
  • Wear some sexy lingerie. He really will enjoy this. But he’d probably enjoy it more if my idea of “sexy” lingerie didn’t include any T-shirt that doesn’t have a ketchup stain. And fluffy pajama pants. And fuzzy socks.

pajama pants(I’m sexy and I know it.)

  • Surprise him with a fun gift. I really hope he likes the new yoga pants I bought him. And matching earrings.
  • Wink at him seductively when you’re at a public event. (Assuming I’m not hiding in the bathroom.) The last time I tried winking seductively, he thought I was having a stroke and drove me to the ER.
  • Initiate sex. I can’t do this without giggling. So, in a Pavlovian effect, every time I giggle, my husband starts getting undressed.

I think I’ll just stick with the basics: candy, card, a passionate kiss and a sincere, “I love you.” That should do it.

bunny

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February 14, 2012 · 8:49 am

Romance 101

(When saying “No” just isn’t enough.)

Ah, yes. It’s time for another round of “How much do you love me?” a.k.a. Valentine’s Day. This day is the true test of timeless love, eternal heartshapes and air kisses. And if you FAIL? (Sad, slow shake of the head.) (To celebrate, I’ve found some AWESOME V-Day cards that I will sprinkle throughout my blog.)

(This comes with pepper-spray.)

My husband and I have varying opinions about this Hallmark-hyped holiday. He is a sweet man who regularly adores me–despite the date on the calendar, and despite my snarky attitude. I, on the other hand, don’t have a single romantic bone, muscle or fat cell in my body. Rom-coms make me vomit, love songs induce eye-rolling and smarmy poetry makes my upper arms itch.

(This also doubles as divorce papers.)

So I decided to take a crash course in romance. I turned to my all-knowing resource (Wikipedia) to find ways to become romantic

The first idea was Make It Personal: So I told my husband my lack of romantic ability was all his fault.

The next suggestion, Break the Monotony: At first I thought it said “Monogamy” and that didn’t go over so well. (My bad.) But then I realized my mistake. So, when my husband got home from a meeting, I jumped out of a closet and scared the s*** out of him. Don’t call ME monotonous.

Then, Focus on the Little Things: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I’m just going to skip this one.

Finally, Be Sincere: I sincerely don’t have any clue how to be romantic. I looked for cards depicting koala bears vomiting rainbows or Cupids slinging arrows into people’s still-beating hearts, but no luck.  I learned anything cute, red, lacy, sunsety, chocolatey, furry, violinish or feathered is deemed “romantic.” So I got my husband a garishly-painted red bunny wearing a lace collar and a feather boa sitting on a Hershey’s bar. And I gave it to him at sunset while we were sitting on the couch. (I’m pretty sure it was sunset.)

(I wouldn’t be NEARLY as tasty without those extra 15 pounds.)

I hope these V-Day tips will help make your holiday special. If all else fails, fake a debilitating illness for 24 hours with a quick recovery on Feb. 15.

(Just plain messed up.)

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