Tag Archives: Christmas

December 24, 2012 · 11:07 am

One Fruitcake Away From a Christmas Meltdown

fruitcake

(Fruitcake: The ultimate Christmas deception. Looks good. Tastes like s***.)

Maybe you haven’t heard, but tomorrow is Christmas. The day when high expectations are smashed against the fiscal cliff. The day when children cry because they didn’t get the RIGHT Barbie doll or video game. (Greedy bastards.)

We dash through the month, doing our shopping, busting our budgets, eating our weight in fudge and toffee, all in preparation for this ONE day of cheer and goodwill. Messed up if you ask me. (But nobody asks me.)

Here are the reasons I’m one fruitcake away from a Christmas meltdown:

  • I think my shopping is done, only to realize (on Christmas Eve), that I forgot my a) co-workers, b) neighbors, c) pets, d) relatives I haven’t seen in years but will be seeing tomorrow. I start sobbing in my egg nog.

shopping

(Shopping on Christmas Eve is the worst.)

  • I worry that everyone will think I’m cheap (which I am) and get me crap next year.
  • I’m so sick of eating chocolate (and that NEVER happens) that if I stuff ONE MORE Hershey’s kiss into my face, my teeth will fall out. And I know I still have to get through tomorrow’s choco-fest.

chocolate face

(Pleeeaaassee. Somebody stop me. . . )

  • If I hear one more version of “Deck the Halls”, I’m going to start decking people.
  • I remember I didn’t send ONE Christmas card. I bought a box of cards last January on clearance, and they’re still sitting (unopened) with my Christmas supplies.
  • I discover (on Christmas eve around 11 p.m.) I don’t have enough tape to wrap any more presents. My options are a) use duct tape, b) use the stapler or c) say Santa ran out of paper somewhere over France.

present(Shut up! Open the present, already. It’s the thought that counts.)

  • Knowing that on Dec. 26, I’ll vow to start Christmas shopping in January–and knowing that I never will.

If possible, have a Merry Christmas.

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December 4, 2012 · 9:12 am

Holiday Party Survival Guide

Anyone who knows me is aware that I’m socially inept. Parties, get-togethers, mingles–whatever you want to call it, social interaction gives me hives. I could kick myself for not taking that “How to Make Small Talk” class at the local community college.small talk

(That awkward moment when everybody has said they are “fine”, and there’s nothing else to say.)

And because the holidays are the source of all stress and anger, holiday parties are the worst. Here are some tricks I’ve developed to survive any holiday party situation:

  • Ask the hostess if you can help. While setting out napkins and toothpicks, you can locate all the exits.
  • Show up early to greet guests. After you meet each guest, you can know which ones you’ll want to avoid. (For me, this is usually everyone.)
  • Research a topic and speak about it at length.The longer you speak on a subject, the fewer people will stay around you. By speaking, in-depth, about the discovery of penicillin, you should be all alone within minutes. Mission accomplished.
  • Don’t dance on the table in your cocktail dress. Unless it’s that kind of party. Then, definitely dance on the table. (Note to self: Make sure to wear underwear.)table dancing

(I’m not the one dancing on the table. I’m sitting on the stairs, wishing I was dead.)

  • Introduce yourself to a stranger. I don’t mean the weird guy sitting in the gutter next to your car, I mean someone at the party who doesn’t know you’re a complete social disaster. He’ll figure it out.
  • Don’t sing Christmas carols. Self-explanatory and important.
  • Keep food in your mouth  This helps you not make any stupid remarks. Or if you say something stupid, it’s usually unintelligible due to the large amount of crab dip shoved in your face.

mouth full

(A memdmpchehk, a mdhkc, ehdkehd, mmph, dprad.)

  • Have a signal when you’re ready to leave. If you’re like me and married to a socially responsible person, they’ll probably want to stay and enjoy themselves. My husband and I have worked out a signal so he knows when I’ve had enough. This signal  involves me grabbing him by the arm and dragging him out of the room. We have a deal that I can’t give him the signal until we’ve been at the party for at least 5 minutes.

Follow these handy tips and you’ll survive the holidays with your sanity, dignity and respect all in place.

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December 20, 2011 · 8:37 am

Top 5 Things I Don’t Want For Christmas

I’m not inherently greedy. And I don’t mean to be bossy. But there are a few things I REALLY don’t want to find in my stocking, or under my tree, on Christmas morning.

Clothes That Don’t Fit:  Whether it’s too-tight jeans (Hey, you bought them. Now you have to watch me wear them) or too-small lingerie (yes I know you’d like me to be the size of a Twizzler, but I’m not), please don’t try to guess my size. It just humiliates both of us.

(And I wonder why I have digestion problems.)

Any cleaning supplies: I’m not Alice from the freakin’ Brady Bunch.  No matter how much our house needs these items, I don’t want a vacuum, broom, mop, Windex, Pledge, grout or paper towels. But feel free to get my house as many of those gifts as you’d like.

(With Ann B. Davis as the resident shit picker-upper.)

Anything purchased at 7-11. At midnight. On Dec. 24: This includes Carmex, silk roses, Slurpees, car magazines, jerky, stale donuts, Bubble Yum or a gas card. (Okay, maybe I’ll keep the gas card.)

(This is not a Christmas gift. This is a refreshing beverage.)

Weight-loss books/Magazines: Yes, I know I gripe about my weight, but that doesn’t mean this is a thoughtful gift. In fact, this could be the last gift you ever give me with both of your arms. And my husband is DYING to get me a subscription to Cosmo, especially with the title “100 Ways to Drive Him Crazy in Bed.” I know one way to drive him crazy in bed: put my cold feet on his back.

(A seriously bad gift idea.)

This Top 5 List Already Posted In a Previous Blog: (This is a link. Click on it.)

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December 16, 2011 · 2:49 pm

Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I know this time of year is loco. I know it can be frustrating. And I’m sure more murders are committed in December than any other time of year. (That’s the Spirit of Christmas for you.)

(Look at all the happy Christmas people.)

So I TRY to be patient while children shriek, shoppers cut in line, stores run out of items and neighbors leave fudge on my doorstep for dogs to pee on.

But there are some things that REALLY need to stop before I blow a holiday gasket.

  • A store advertises EVERYTHING IS ON SALE!! Then they list a whole shitload of exceptions: jewelry, fragrances, clothes, shoes, home furnishings and bath towels. (Things on sale: blue toothbrushes and wooden spoons.)

(Clue here: “Selected” items have been marked down. Yep.)

  • The frantic woman behind me in line who thinks sighing loudly and bumping into me with her large ass will make the line move faster.
  • Kids holding candy canes while they’re crying. They turn into red, slobbery, sticky, mucousy messes. Coal for you, kid.

(Someone get Santa a rum and Coke.)

  • Children who either have a mile-long list for Santa–or no ideas at all.
  • Christmas family newsletters. Yes, I know you have the perfect family–but I don’t. If I wrote a Christmas newsletter, I’d have child services, immigration, neighborhood watch and Santa breathing down my neck.

(That’s great your family learned Chinese this year, and built homes in Haiti and knitted scarves for the homeless. Aren’t you perfect? I spent our Christmas budget on bail.)

  • ANY Christmas song by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Especially when it’s Muzaked in elevators.
  • Having no money. The ATM just laughs at me when I try to withdraw cash.
  • Those irritating, irritating kiosk workers at the mall who each try shoving their product in my face. I haven’t made eye contact with anyone at the mall since September.

( I just want to buy some socks! Leave me alone!!!)

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November 29, 2011 · 10:35 am

Holiday Decorations That Need to Go!

I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.

(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)

I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:

  • Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.
  • Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure  Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.

(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)

  • Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.

(Fa, la, la, la. . . .whatever. My beer’s empty.)

  • Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.

(I think it’s time for a special Hallmark Christmas intervention.)

  • Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.
  • Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.

(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)

  • Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.
  • Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?

 (Okay. It’s still funny.)

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