Category Archives: Top 5 Lists

June 18, 2013 · 9:22 am

Top 5 Cool Things About My Dad

One year, mom bought dad a hammock for Father’s Day. As kids, we thought it was the perfect gift, and immediately took it over. I don’t remember dad lying in it–ever. Not because it was filled with kids, but because he was always tinkering, repairing, fiddling (not the music kind), mending or inventing. He always had something on the drawing board.

Here are some cool things about my dad:

#1–He can build things: You think MacGyver was a bad-ass? My dad makes MacGyver look like a Keystone Kop. Give my dad a toothpick, an empty Coke can, a Ziploc bag and a pair of tweezers–and he can make a working, life-size replica of the Red Baron’s triplane. He can build anything from wooden toys to high-tech, space-age cameras. And that’s just in his spare time.

red baron

(I picture my dad flying through the air, laughing hysterically.)

#2–He’s an Ultimate Treasure Hunter: Using his Indiana Jones-like intuition, my dad can find pirates’ treasure, Incan gold or my lost library book. He can also determine the value of any item in such a way to make the guys on Pawn Stars look like imbecilic rookies. Arrowheads, dinosaur bones, infamous air pirate D.B. Cooper–there’s a good chance he knows where to find them. It’s entirely possible my dad is D. B. Cooper.

#3–He Never Slows Down:  I called my dad on Father’s Day to see what he was up to. Well, he was up a tree, trimming branches at a local museum. Typical dad behavior. Other examples: “Hey, Peri. I just finished making a spinning wheel out of a fallen log (see #1).” Or “Hi, honey. I found a cache of sapphires in my backyard (see #2) and I’m making jewelry to sell at the farmer’s market.”

Marbles

(A cool marble tower my dad built. He also built the banjo, and probably the cassette player.)

#4–He’s an Expert at Blowing Things Up:  Gunpowder is in my dad’s blood. My dad and brother spent copious amounts of time trying to pack explosives into rocket engines. Then they’d blow up the rocket and laugh like maniacs.  The 4th of July was Dad’s pyromaniac paradise; as explosions rocked our quiet Utah subdivision, neighbors would hide in their bathtubs praying for July 5th to dawn.

#5–He Finds Value in Everything: Whether it’s an obsidian arrowhead or a wayward child, my dad doesn’t throw anything away. That old woodpile? Not kindling for the fire, but future toy trains, trucks or picture frames. An abandoned church? Nope, a potentially really cool home with all kinds of hiding places for great-grandchildren. Disobedient kids? Well, don’t we all make mistakes?

Wedding 066

(My handsome dad and my nephew.)

Thanks for an exciting childhood, Dad! I love you.

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May 28, 2013 · 11:51 am

Top 5 Healthy Food Groups

I spent the holiday weekend eating. Non-stop. Things like pork enchiladas, Fat Kid pizza, Harry & David candies, Mrs. Field’s cookies, popcorn, margaritas, hamburgers and bacon. But I did have a fruit-cup on Monday morning.

binge

(What? Calories don’t count on holidays. Duh.)

As many people do, I decided to wake up this morning (following a weekend of binge eating) and start shoving healthy food into my face. After researching the bests kinds of foods, I’ve compiled a list to help me stay on track.

I vow to eat:

Brown Foods: Things like brown rice, whole wheat pasta and breads fall into this category. But (if I understand colors) this also includes chocolate cake, fudgsicles and caramel corn. I’m pretty sure I can rock this area.

Vegetables/Fruit: I can easily incorporate foods like spinach, asparagus, berries and grapefruit into my diet. And then there’s what I call the “fancy” veggies and fruit: Pringles (potatoes), Bugles (corn), Sunkist Gems and Gummy Bears (assorted fruits) (also found at Harry & David).harry

(So many healthy choices to choose from!)

Nuts/healthy oils: Natural butters like almond and peanut, and products like olive oil, can easily be spread on the aforementioned brown foods–and even some fruits and veggies. But avocado?!?! (yuck. nope.) Also falling into this category is See’s Toffee (this  delicacy is ROLLED in healthy nuts), chocolate covered nuts of all types, and, my favorite, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Sandwich. (This consists of two Reese’s Cups glued together with a glob of peanut butter.) Good times.

Lean meats: Unless someone is selling supermodel jerky, I’ll assume this means skinless chicken breasts, healthy pork cuts (probably not bacon), roasted turkey and small cuts of beef. B.O.R.I.N.G.

Cut back on sugar: Hahahahaha! Nope. (I’m sure this was the FDA’s idea of a joke. Those wacky FDA employees.)

So, starting today, I’m on a healthy eating mission. Just as soon as I finish my chocolate covered cherries from Harry & David. Or . . . maybe that counts as a brown food AND a fruit! Shazaam!

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May 21, 2013 · 11:41 am

Top 5 Things I Learned in Kindergarten

Kindergarten was pretty laid back when I was 5 years old. We weren’t pressured to actually learn anything; it was more of a social experiment. If we didn’t know basic shapes, colors or letters, our teacher assumed we’d learn what we needed from  Sesame Street. So instead of being stressed, we played for a year before the harsh reality of First Grade kicked in.

sesame(This is where I learned all the important stuff.)

My teacher was the amazing Miss Hansen at Viewmont Elementary–and I wanted to marry her. She was pretty, smart, fun and full of ideas to keep a room full of curtain climbers entertained for four hours every day.

Here are some important things I learned in kindergarten:

  • Don’t eat snow. After watching us eat snowballs, Miss Hansen got out her handy-dandy hot plate, dumped a pile of snow in a pot, and melted it so we could see what we were eating. Floating in the melted snow were various items including gravel, a rodent skeleton and the bumper of a VW Beetle. I haven’t eaten snow since.

melted snow(This pile of crap was found in a melted snowman.)

  • Boys are strange creatures. When I started kindergarten, I hadn’t been blessed with my little brother yet. He wasn’t even a naughty grin on my dad’s face.  So encountering boys on a daily basis induced several levels of culture shock. Boys made weird sounds. They banged dump trucks into my ankles. They ran around with no purpose. And they thought the word “poop” was literary genius. Turns out, boys didn’t change much as I got older.
  • Sitting incorrectly is dangerous. If you lean back in your chair you’ll fall over, break your neck and end up in a wheelchair forever. This horrifying lesson stayed with me long after kindergarten graduation. I still think of Miss Hansen when I see somebody balancing on the back legs of a chair.

chair

  • Coconut milk is pretty nasty. During the spring, Miss Hansen planned a faux class trip to Hawaii. We drew pictures of what we’d pack (swimming suit and candy), made leis (nobody snickered), went on a “plane trip” and had a sip of coconut milk. And promptly spit that crap out.
  • It’s okay to wear pants. I wore dresses all the time. It gave me the illusion I was a sweet little girl. My dad bought me a new dress for kindergarten and I wore that blue dress with the attached red apron until it fell apart. But, before the annual zoo trip, Miss Hansen insisted everyone wear pants. I was shocked. And then I discovered I loved pants! I could climb without boys looking up my dress (see Boys Are Strange Creatures)! Haven’t worn a dress since.

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May 7, 2013 · 9:49 am

Top 5 Reasons I Hate My “Smart” Phone

I woke up recently and my beloved cell phone had a message for me. It said, “$#$@ you.” Then it rolled over and died. For good. I tried performing CPR but it was too late.

I LOVED my old cell phone. It let me call people. It let me text people. That was it. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t ask much and we had a great relationship.

cell phone(Good-bye, old friend.)

I HATE my new “smart” phone. Now, not only do I waste time playing Doodle Jump, and downloading apps–but it continually lets me know I’m not nearly as smart as this stupid little phone. Here are the top 5 reasons I hate my “smart” ass phone:

#1– I can’t answer the damn thing: So, I’m on my phone, trying to figure out Words With Friends (especially hard when you have no friends) and my phone starts ringing. I’m pushing all kinds of buttons, trying to slide the screen, whatever it takes. Nothing. Can’t figure out how to answer the *%**#@ phone.

#2–The sticky screen: You’d think I sweat maple syrup from my fingers. Either that, or I have a serious ear wax problem that’s gone undiagnosed for years. My phone’s screen is constantly attracting stickiness. And if I try to clean the screen, I turn on all kinds of apps that I had no intention of opening. Or I call China.

#3–The keyboard: I never realized my fingertips were so freaking huge. I take my cucumber-size fingers, and dumbly punch at numbers on my phone (leaving a sticky residue), and never quite spelling out texts the way I’d like. I’m sick of typing, “Wher ar your meettinh mr?” Or sending half-finished texts because I accidentally hit send.

mytouch(My new phone: The myBadTouch.)

#4–The ultra-sensitive screen: Only teenage girls are more sensitive than my phone. If I’m trying to tap a specific app (see “cucumber-size fingers”), I’ll punch everything around it, bringing up all kinds of garbage. Or, I’ll push directly on the button–and it lights up, meaning, yes, it was tapped. No response. Just a slow b-l-i-n-k as the phone shuts itself off. And I often find that my cheek is playing Angry Birds while I’m trying to talk to my sister.

#5–No charge: No, I don’t mean my phone was free. I mean my phone goes through power like a Kardashian goes through plastic surgeons. My phone holds a charge like Lindsey Lohan holds her liquor. Not well. I feel like I’ve purchased a ’90s Giga-Pet that needs to fed, loved and nurtured 24/7.

giga pet(It was irritating then. More irritating now.)

Maybe one day, I’ll fall in love with my phone. Maybe one day, my phone will accidentally fly off the nearest overpass. Maye one day, I’ll just take my big fingers and buy a rotary phone.

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April 9, 2013 · 8:44 am

Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Say To a Woman

Consider this blog a public service for anyone who’s ever dealt with a female. I get it. We can be moody, unpredictable, pouty and, yes, even grouchy—but we have cause. The cause is usually a man saying something thoughtless.

If you’ve ever said these things to a woman–vow to never do so again.

1. “You look tired.”  Are you stupid? This is the equivalent of telling a woman she looks 10 years older than she is. I don’t care if my eyes are closed and I’m snoring, do NOT tell me I look tired.

tired

(I’m NOT tired. I’m actually ready for a black-tie gala. Don’t judge me.)

2. “Do you want me to explain that to you?” Oh, please, would you? My small little brain can’t understand the concept of this intricate plot involving fast cars, women in mini-skirts and assault rifles. Maybe later we can practice my colors.

3. “Is it That Time of the Month?” If by “That Time of the Month” you mean “Time to Stab People,” then yes. Yes, it is.

4. “Are you feeling bloated today?” Or anything similar, including but not limited to: Your face looks fuller today. Is that medium top going to fit? What diet are you on today? You shouldn’t eat that—with your decreased metabolism, impending menopause, and all. Are you sure you want fries? Those jeans look a little tight.

bloated(Maybe it’s not bloating. Maybe it’s a toxic megacolon.)

5. “What’s for dinner?” Unless I look like a microwave oven, you can assume you’ll never get another meal out of me if you continue to ask this question. Why do I have to cook dinner? Are your arms painted on? Did you lose the use of your hands in WWII? Can you not read a cookbook? Is pouring a bowl of cereal for yourself too difficult?

By avoiding these insanely stupid questions, men and women might live in relative peace. At least until women ask things like, “Are you watching Sports Center again?” or “Do you really need all those lawn tools?” or “Haven’t you had enough beer?”

And the battle goes on . . .

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March 19, 2013 · 10:01 am

Top 5 Guilty TV Pleasures

TV and I go way back. Like decades. My first love affair with television came when my mom banned me from watching “Three’s Company,” “The Love Boat” and “Bosom Buddies.” Those shows became my favorites. Various babysitters and friends allowed me to watch these forbidden sitcoms, giving me a glimpse into the naughty grown-up world.

threes company(My mom was convinced this show would be the downfall of society.)

Today, that love affair continues. Although a LOT of the crap on TV is just that, there’s a handful of TV shows I look forward to that satisfies my need for living vicarious lifestyles. Here are the top 5:

Elementary: You’d think Sherlock Holmes would be an overexposed, overdone character, but Jonny Lee Miller plays the historic detective with the energy of a cocaine-addicted ferret. Partnered with Lucy Liu’s Joan Watson, Sherlock unlocks mysteries–almost before they even happen. Smart and quick dialogue, blended with truly crazy-ass crimes, make this one of the best procedurals on TV.

elementary(It was Miss Scarlet, in the sewer, with an arsenic cupcake.)

The Good Wife: Will Julianna Margulies’ character leave her scum bucket politician husband who hired hookers? Who cares! Very smart episodes, delightful writing, and quirky judges and lawyers make this a must-see every Sunday night.

good wife(‘Nuff said.)

Revenge: Emily Thorne is one devious wench. The first season of “Revenge” was better than the second as each week Emily eliminated another poor soul who crossed her deceptive path. This season has been bogged down in sub-plots, sub-sub-plots, etc., but I’m still watching, hoping it gets that evil spark back. Plus, Madeline Stowe’s character, Victoria Grayson, delivers some of the best one-liners in TV drama.

victoria

(“Hit me. This is your one and only shot, so do it like a man, if that’s even possible.” Meow.)

Dallas: J.R., Bobby, Pamela and Cliff Barnes are at it again, only this time,  their children are carrying on the feud. Fun times all around! There’s truly terrible acting in this show, but the storylines are so much fun, I don’t even care. These characters couldn’t act their way out of a cereal box, but I tune in each week to see what the Ewings and the Barneses are up to–usually it’s something evilly fun. And J.R.’s comeback was a joy to watch. He was the consumate bad guy up until the very end.

jr(His diabolic eyebrows could have their own spin-off series.)

Toddlers and Tiaras/Dance Moms: I HATE reality shows. I’ve never watched “Survivor,” “The Bachelor,” “Amazing Race” or any of those flaming chef shows. However. My daughter is addicted to “Dance Moms,” that horrible show with the horrible dance instructor working with talented girls and their horrible mothers. It’s a train wreck–and if she’s watching it, I’m hooked. Same with “Toddlers and Tiaras.” I just can’t believe there are people in this country who yell at their 5-year-old daughters for not smiling correctly. Messed. Up.

dance moms(Training future strippers, pole dancers, and probably psychotic killers.)

What are you watching?

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January 18, 2013 · 12:56 pm

Top 5 Important Body Parts for Writers

There are specific body parts that writers need in order to create inspirational, humorous, or brilliant literary works of art. You’d think those body parts would include fingers or hands. You would be incorrect. Several other body parts are seriously engaged in the writing process, and writers would be lost without them.

fingers

(Fingers, by themselves, can’t do s***.)

In no order of importance:

Fingernails: Writers need fingernails to drum on the table while they ponder their next brilliant sentence. The longer the nails, the better for drumming, my dear. (Studies show the most common rhythm tapped on desks is “Shave and a haircut, two bits.” I guess it’s a writer thing.) (You know you totally just did it.)

Elbows: It’s important to rest your elbow (or elbows) on your desk, with your hand(s) under your chin(s) as you stare at a computer screen, waiting for inspiration to hit. Without elbows, you’d have to rest your chin on the desk–and that’s way too much effort.

Elbows

(I can’t tell if she’s resting on her elbows or pulling out her hair. Either way, she must be a writer.)

Butt/Tush: I know studies show that sitting for long periods of time is hazardous to your health. But if writers didn’t have butts to sit on, we would certainly find another way to slouch through our assignments. Lying on the floor comes to mind–only because I’m lying on the floor.

Forehead: When writer’s block hits (and don’t tell me it doesn’t exist!) your forehead is invaluable. You can slap your forehead with the palm of your hand (important body part #6) or, in extreme situations, pound your head against the nearest wall. That jarring motion always shakes something loose so ideas can flow again.

Picard facepalm

(Forehead is also necessary for doing any facepalms while frustrated.)

Mouth: Not only do writers mumble while they’re working but many writers like to read their work out loud (mostly so they can say they held a “reading” with their work.) The mouth is also necessary for shoving food into (chips, cookies, Hershey’s Kisses, donuts, etc.) when writers get tired of doing their job. (Teeth, tongue and lips are included in this category.)

So as you’re writing the next great American novel (or blog post), notice which body parts you haven’t thanked recently, and make it a point to do something nice for those parts. Like give them all a nap.

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October 30, 2012 · 9:01 am

Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats

You’ve only got one day left to stock up on Halloween treats for those good-for-nothing, lazy trick-or-treaters. Kids are always looking for a handout.

Anyway, be sure to avoid having the above-mentioned “kids” attack your home with shaving cream or raw eggs by providing them with an acceptable treat. It’s much like appeasing King Kong: Give him what he wants and he walks away. Give him something stupid and he smashes your head.

(“Kong no like Peeps!”)

Here are the Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats that could get your home vandalized:

1–Fruit. An apple in a Trick-or-Treat bag is the equivalent to a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking. Children start crying and ask, “What did I do to offend the Great Pumpkin? Does he hate me? Was I bad?” The answer to the last two questions is usually “yes.” Just save the fruit for Thanksgiving pie or for Snow White.

(My mom always threw apples away on Halloween, convinced they were full of needles and razor blades.)

2-Toothbrush. Not only does this “treat” make kids foam at the mouth (literally) it also sends a message to parents that, “You are not a good enough parent to purchase your child a toothbrush. I can tell. I’m your neighbor.” Halloween judging is really frowned upon.

3-Hard bubble gum. Even kids know that you probably bought this horrible bubble gum on clearance at Walgreen’s last Halloween. It’s harder than a peach pit and tastes like death, and there’s NO WAY you can blow a bubble.  This category also includes year-old taffy, Bit-O-Honey and those awful, awful peanut-shaped candies that have the consistency of fossilized shaving cream.

4–Pencils. Kids love writing death threats to people who give them pencils on Halloween. “Hey, neighbor! Thanks for giving me something I can do homework with. Better watch your back.”

(A craft for all those Halloween pencils.)

5–Little boxes of raisins.  Kids don’t like raisins when it’s NOT Halloween. Why would they like them on All Hallow’s Eve instead of a Twix bar, Hershey’s kisses or Blow Pop? Save the raisins for your cereal or you might find them dropped into your gas tank.

Have a happy, safe and vandal free Halloween!

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October 2, 2012 · 11:15 am

Top 5 Ways To Simplify Your Life

Simplifying is all the rage. It’s the “in” thing to do. Clear out the clutter, physical and emotional, and enjoy a new, laid-back approach to life.

Okey dokey.

(I’ve had much less for a long time. I must be very simple.)

But where do I start? Here are some simple ideas to put you on the right path.

Simplify daily chores. Do dishes need to be done EVERY day? If I just throw dirty clothes away, isn’t that simplifying? And as for work: Commute less. Take longer breaks. Call in sick and take a “me” day. Work fewer hours. Skip non-essential meetings.  In no time at all, you’ll be fired. Simple as that.

Downsize your life. As a journalist, this isn’t a problem. Reporters around the world are having their lives downsized on a daily basis. This leads to buying smaller homes and cars, eating out less often, living with less, appreciating what you have. Yada, yada, yada. Heeeeeyyy. Wait a minute . . . Simplifying sounds a LOT like poverty.

(Former Pulitzer prize-winning journalist.)

Simplify your communications. Must you be on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and YouTube ALL the time? Do you have to text, instant message, ping, pong, email, snail mail, Morse code, Bluetooth and any other new-fangled way of communicating. How about just TALKING?

Simplify meals. Only stock your pantry or fridge with ingredients you’ll use. All that expired hummus, coconut milk and edamame? Throw it out and replace it with Hostess treats, Lay’s potato chips and other foods you’ll actually eat. Also, eliminate unnecessary appliances. That cotton candy maker, stainless steel pasta machine, bread maker, tortilla warmer and the jerky gun you’ve never used? Toss.

(The jerky gun. Wrong on so many levels.)

Simplify your relationships. Learn to say no. Don’t keep enabling dysfunctional behavior. Don’t let people manipulate you. Instead of a loving dog, how about a Chia pet or a pet rock? And do you REALLY need that boyfriend/girlfriend? Break up with your significant other and think of all the money you’ll save on counseling!

Sooooo. Basically, this new trend is a form of hermitage. Which I already approve of. Top 5 Reasons To Become a Hermit

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September 25, 2012 · 11:22 am

Top 5 Diet Tricks That Just Don’t Work

Yes, I know in order to lose weight I should exercise more and eat less. But that’s absolutely not fun. So I keep looking for sneaky ways to burn calories–that doesn’t involve any effort. Fitness magazines list “tricks” to losing weight–like it’s some kind of magic sleight of hand that keeps the extra 10 pounds hanging off my butt.

(It’s the lighting, not her diet, that makes her look a little chunky.)

Some “tricks” make sense, others–not so much. Well, they might make sense to people who aren’t looking for “tricks” to make the “tricks” allow for more food.

Here are the top 5 diet tricks that always trip me up:

1. Get 5-9 servings of vegetables every day. I can do that. The problem comes when I start counting apple pie, peach cobbler, raspberry muffins, zucchini bread, applesauce cookies, sweet potato fries and pumpkin pancakes as fruit/vegetable servings. The scale is definitely moving–just in the wrong direction.

(Raspberry muffins with pecans and coconut. Now THIS is diet food.)

2. Use a small bowl for portion control. Great! I took a small bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with potato chips–10 times. Did you know an entire bag of Limon-flavored Lay’s will fit into a small bowl? Crazy.

 3. Ask yourself if you’re really hungry. Well of course I’m really hungry, stupid. Why else would I be stuffing my face with Dove chocolates at eight in the morning? And don’t tell me I’m eating to mask my feelings. I’M NOT! I’m not angry, frustrated or upset, you nosy, obnoxious, know-it-all pain in the a**!!

4. Enjoy your favorite treats so you don’t feel deprived. Done. Next.

5. Eat several mini-meals each day. Now, when they say “mini-meals,” does that mean a small burger, small fries and small shake five times a day? Because if that’s what that means (and that’s how I’ve chosen to interpret that advice), then I don’t see myself fitting into a slinky dress anytime soon without the help of 3 sets of Spanx, a forklift and 2 broken ribs.

(I eat mini-meals to look this good.)

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