I left the strange world of Utah to travel to a warm, welcoming place called Phoenix to bask in the sun and watch baseball games during spring training. As we boarded the plane to leave Utah, airline employees were busy de-icing the wings. An hour later, we were sweating in 85 degree weather with margaritas and ball games.
While our weekend getaway was amazing, I was able to find things in Arizona that drove me bat-s*** crazy.
- Sitting next to drunk people at baseball games. Drunk people are obnoxious. Drunk people at baseball games are uber-obnoxious, partly because they are already sitting so close–and then they proceed to get even MORE in your face. Once they’ve repeated the same sentence 17 times, it’s time to get up and buy a hot dog. I ate way too many hot dogs.
(The point where the drunk fan is silent, contemplating what an ass he’s been. But he doesn’t care.)
- Listening to our hotel neighbors yell at each other at 7 a.m. Waking up to the chirping of birds: good. Waking up to the lady in the room next door nag at her husband in a shrill, ear-splitting voice: not good.
(“Abner! Abner!” Gladys Kravitz, our nosy hotel neighbor.)
- Restrooms at baseball stadiums. Attendance at one ball game was more than 12,000 people. Attendance in the ladies rest room was about 11,900. And the ONE bathroom I found had such a hellacious line, I decided to find a quiet corner and an empty cup.
- Gym equipment at hotels, in general. Marketing photos lie. Pictures depicting spacious workout centers give way to the truth when you walk in the gym and find three ancient recumbent bicycles, a 1985 treadmill and a squeaky stairstepper. You can work with the free weights, as long as you only wanted to use 15 pounds or 75 pounds.
(I might as well workout in some dude’s garage gym.)
- Too much good food. Pizza and cheesebread at Oregano’s, pasties at the Cornish Pasty Co., scones at Rustler’s Rooste, tamales at Aunt Chilada’s, fries at the Baer’s Den, a Snickers bar at the airport. I ate way too much and now I have to eat celery and kale for the next three weeks. Blech.
- Leaving to come home. There’s a stomach-dropping feeling as you board a plane that will take you back to the confines of the state of Utah. Say goodbye to sunshine. Say goodbye to the real world. Say hello to a ludicrous legislature. Say hello to Neanderthal thinking. Sigh.
Maybe the cold and snow are finally getting to me. Things seem to be extra irritating. Here are a few things on my s*** list today:
- People who type “Hahahah”, leaving off the final “a”. Did the person stop breathing mid-laugh? Should I call 9-1-1?
- People who stand directly behind me during a class at the gym. Hey! I got here early enough to set up my own personal space. Get the hell away from my lunge zone!!
(Excuse me!! Do I know you?)
- Standing in an elevator with strangers. Don’t know where to look. Don’t know what to say. So I just make tiny “meow” sounds.
- Forgetting my grocery list and trying to remember what I was supposed to buy.
- Sour cream hidden in food.
- Sitting in the back seat. Especially when the front windows are open.
(Hell yes, I’m going to kick the back of your seat all the way to Walmart.)
- Always looking like a “before” ad for makeovers.
- Not being a millionaire.
- When I take a bite of pizza and all the hot cheese and toppings slide off the crust and melt to my chin.
- Picking up the frozen dog poop that’s been buried under the snow for two months.
(Underneath this beautiful snowscape is two tons of frozen dog poo.)
- When stores put stickers on glass picture frames–and you can never. get. the. residue. off. the. glass.
- The Utah Legislature. (I know, I’ve mentioned this one before. But it still fits.)
- When my “check engine” light comes on. I tend to read it like, “Engine. Check!”
- Movies about teenage vampires.
That’s it for today. Maybe I’ll have more patience tomorrow.
Ah, Tuesday. That horrible day between Monday and Wednesday that comes around every seven days. The day I get irked more than any other day of the week. Here are things making my crazy list today:
- That little plastic scoop found in baby formula. It’s always buried at the bottom of the can and the formula sticks to my wet fingers as I try to dig the scoop out. Isn’t there a better way?
- People who think “No Left Turn” doesn’t apply to them and back up traffic while pissing everyone off.
(Let’s just make up our own freakin’ driving rules, shall we?)
- Bathroom scales.
- Those stupid, stupid sponge eyeshadow applicators that eventually fall off the stick and down into the drain of my bathroom sink.
- Realizing I just said something completely off-the-wall and people are looking at me funny while slowly backing away.
- Political campaigns. With the PACs creating doomsday ads and pundits spinning every quote until I’m seasick, let’s just call the whole thing off.
(How ’bout we choose our elected officials “Hunger Games” style?)
- The fact that mini-Snickers bars still have calories. Uncool.
- When I’m drinking ice water at a restaurant and the ice sloshes forward and splashes water all down the front of my shirt.
- Why is it that whenever I go to my doctor, they have just “updated their computer system” and need me to fill out ALL my medical history again? It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or two weeks–they’ve got me fillin’ out the paperwork.
(What happened to the forms I filled out LAST week?)
Tuesdays: That one day of the week when everything seems dismal, dreary and depressing. It’s also the day I can easily think of many things driving me crazy today:
- When I have a cartload of groceries and the cashier insists on putting each item in it’s own bag. So I leave with 50 items and 50 bags. Maybe they have a bag quota.
(Each bag contains 1 Twix bar or 1 bag o’ Cheetos or 1 box of cereal, etc. And, yes, I do recycle.)
- Microwaves. How come, with all our technology, no one has created a microwave that can shut quietly, program without annoying beeping and have a “quiet” alarm when the food is done? Makes it very hard to sneak a burrito at 3 a.m.
- Those “warm air” hand dryers in restrooms. I end up wiping my hands on my pants anyway.
- The HUGE man who thought it was a good idea to sit in front of my small granddaughter at the movie theater. Even with her booster chair she couldn’t see, so we ended up rearranging everyone.
- Indoor pools that use too much chlorine. Aaarrrrgggghhh! My eyes!
(Either too much chlorine or too many Twilight trailers.)
- Drivers who cross the solid white lines!!!! Idiots! There’s a reason you’re not supposed to change lanes in those areas. It’s a DANGER to other drivers. Namely me! Read up on the road rules.
On Tuesdays, things seem to perturb me much more quickly. No reason. Just Tuesday.
Here’s my latest list of head-banging-against-the-wall-of-life situations:
- Trying to save gas by not running the AC in the car, only to arrive at my business meeting with my silk shirt stuck to my back.
- People who call and leave loooooooong, meandering, pointless voice messages, restating their question/comment/complaint over and over and over and over and over. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
- Dealing with health insurance companies. (“We know you’re paying overpriced premiums, but we don’t cover that procedure.”)
- My psychopath neighbor mowing his lawn at 6 a.m.
(Consequence if he does it again. Burn, baby, burn.)
- My psychopath neighbor who starts up his diesel-engine truck at 5:30 a.m. and lets it idle for 20 minutes.
- Drivers who come to a COMPLETE STOP when making a right hand turn.
- The idea that car headlights need big fake eyelashes.
(Do you also have to buy car mascara?)
- People who talk into their iPhones like they’re eating a piece of pizza. How did this start? Who can we blame?
(Put the phone down. Or hold it up to your ear, for hell’s sake.)
Wind makes me tense. So does being awake. So when I’m awake on a blustery day, I tend to be easily irritated. Here are the main culprits causing my insanity today.
(Wind is NEVER this romantic.)
- Tank tops with built-in “bras.” Tank top makers, my bosom area doesn’t fit into those stupid built-in Kleenex bras so I have to wear a sports bra anyway. Then the built-in bra rides up on my chestal area, creating a muffin-top effect. More than a little disturbing.
- Hostess. I KNOW how bad those cupcakes, donettes, blackberry pies and Ho-Hos are for me. But I can’t stop craving those tasty, sugar-filled demons. I think cream filling is a mixture of meth and sugar to keep me coming back.
(The box says there are 180 calories for 3 donettes. But that seems a little high. I’m sure it’s wrong.)
- Talking to customer service for internet/phone/cable. We recently changed our communications company because the previous one was exasperating. But when I called to cancel, I had to explain to several people, in several different languages, why I didn’t want their product anymore. Can’t they just have a button to press to cancel service without talking to anyone?
- Sign-Twirling Teens. The marketing agency that thought putting teenagers on street corners holding signs was a good idea should be disbanded. Because NOW the twitchy teens feel the need to dance and spin the signs around–totally negating the purpose of advertising since I can’t read the DAMN sign until you stop spinning it like a helicopter.
(Yeah, that upside-down phone number is very helpful. Thanks.)
- Slow walkers!!!! It’s a guarantee when I’m in a hurry, there will be someone walking in front of me at the speed of lard. And there’s usually no way to get around them, so I take slow, exaggerated steps behind them thinking that my passive actions will somehow speed them up. Doesn’t work.
I’m usually so mild-mannered and relaxed. But once in a while, my knickers get twisted and I get highly irrational. This is one of those times. These are things twisting my knickers today:
- North Korea. Just ’cause.
- My bathroom scale. I’m pretty sure it’s stuck. (I tried bashing it with a hammer, but the number still didn’t change.)
(The view of the numbers is so much better down here.)
- People who text while you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Put down your damn phone!!!
- Shaving my legs and then noticing I missed ALL the hair on my knees. (I usually notice this when I’m sitting in the sun, wearing shorts, and everyone is pointing at my hairy knees and laughing.)
(Makes you want to pet them, doesn’t it?)
- Going through the entire day with pepper stuck between my front teeth. Thanks “friends” for letting me know.
- ANY “news” about Zac Efron. Holy crap, people. (His name sounds like an over-the-counter allergy medication.)
- Being told multi-vitamins don’t do any good. And then being told all the produce at the grocery store has been leached of any nutrition. What am I supposed to eat to be healthy? (I guess it’s back to chocolate donuts and Coke.)
(Breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.)
- Ringo the Dog when he decides to chase a cat. If you see someone running down your street, swinging a tangled leash and yelling “Come back, dumba**!!” It’s probably me.
- Going to the grocery store and not having anything good to eat for dinner. (Chocolate donuts and Coke, again.)
(These damn kids with their loud music and their saggy jeans! Get off my lawn, you buggers!)
I must be getting older because my patience is wearing thin. I always thought my grandma was crotchety and impatient–and now I’ve become her. (Time to learn how to knit and yell at the neighbor kids.) But I’m sure my grandma would agree with the following things that are driving me crazy today:
- Male politicians and religious leaders (and some FEMALE politicians) arguing about a woman’s choice for birth control, abortion, etc. At what point did women’s health issues become the government’s business? Stay out of my nether-regions, sir!
(Coming soon! A new Utah State Legislature-approved fashion line for women.)
(“News,” by definition, is something that happens out of the ordinary. This is not “news.”)
- People who are NOT me who are eating chocolate cake right now.
- Beyoncé trademarking her daughter’s name: Blue Ivy Carter. Really? Is having a child a money-making scheme? (Didn’t work for me, that’s for damn sure.)
- People who speak Starbuck-ese. Get over it! The sizes are small, medium and large. Geesh.
(Thank God there’s still some sense in the world.)
- The Oscars! Enough all-freakin’-ready!
- Showing up at a semi-formal event in jeans and flip-flops. Whoops. (Didn’t get the memo.)
- Self check-out lanes at the grocery store that are 12 times slower than having an employee do the job for you. I’m not smart enough to be a cashier–or I’d BE A CASHIER!!!
- The Utah State Legislature. No explanation needed.
(The Utah Capitol Building. Could also be the setting for the Ringling Brothers, “Psycho” and/or “Titanic.”)
Now that I’ve vented, I’m going to take my teeth out and take a nap.
Along with the freeeeeezing temperatures, Newt Gingrich, my health insurance company and the shortage of Butterfinger candy bars in my home, the following things might make me fling myself off the tallest building. Of course, in Salt Lake, that’s not very tall. I’d probably survive. On life support.
(Look at me! I can fly!)
Things Driving Me Crazy Today:
- The redneck who “walks” his dog by driving his pick-up truck through the park while the dog runs alongside it. Can you get any lazier, sir?
- Automatic toilets that flush while you’re still sitting on them.
- Automatic toilets that don’t flush at all.
- People who don’t hold the door open–even when you’re right behind them.
- Eating healthy all day–then eating an entire apple pie before I go to bed.
(Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom nom.)
- Tall trucks that block the stoplights so you’re halfway through an intersection before you realize the light’s red.
- Sweaty guys (and girls) who don’t wipe off the machines at the gym. Ewwww.
- Being ignored by salespeople.
- Being hounded by salespeople.
(Picture him saying anything in a horrible New Jersey accent. Now picture him at Kohl’s trying to sell you nylons.)