Category Archives: Daily Life

May 14, 2013 · 11:52 am

Attention Whore Techniques

attention

We’ve all been in settings when one person dominates the conversation. You could be in the middle of delivering a eulogy, or a child, and attention whores will still steal your spotlight. Short of manslaughter, there are not many ways to stop them. They live in a world of their own. These people include:

The Explainer: This person thinks everyone around him has the IQ of a legume. Therefore, it is his responsibility to explain, in excruciating detail, what is happening. “In case you’ve never heard the term ‘thermometer,’ it is a device that measures temperature.” Or “Let me explain the situation in Libya in terms you can understand. Blah, blah, blah. Breath. Blah, blah, blah, etc.”

The Interrupter: You’re in the middle of a great story when, from out of nowhere, The Interrupter pipes in–guessing the end of your story, or changing the subject altogether. Most Interrupters are murdered before they turn 45.

photo bomb

(Typical Interrupter behavior.)

The Redundant: This person is also called The Echo, The Superfluous, The Back-Up, or The Repetitive. The Redundant has several irritating behaviors which include a) exactly repeating what has already been said, b) repeating what has been said in a different way, c) echoing the last few words that were said. Example:

First person: I think this must be the hottest day of the year.

The Redundant: It sure seems like it’s the hottest day of the year.

First person: I could use a cold drink.

The Redundant: I think drinks are in order!

First person: Are you a professional echo?

The Redundant: Echo . . .

The Irritated: Not only does The Irritated have NO TIME for your conversation, she goes out of her way to let you know her time is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than yours. Irritated tendencies include finger drumming, toe tapping, knee bouncing, a pursed expression and playing on her phone while you’re explaining how sad you are your dog died.  They’re not listening. Leave.

The One-Upper: You just climbed Mount Everest. But The One-Upper climbed Mount Everest in the off-season, carrying his sherpa up the hill even after losing three fingers to frostbite. Or. You received a job offer from Apple that will double your salary. Too bad, because The One-Upper now operates Apple. You just can’t win. Stop trying.

knife 2(“You call that a knife?” Typical One-Upper.)

The best way to deal with  attention whores is to walk in the other direction. They won’t realize you’re gone until they need someone to refill their coffee.

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April 30, 2013 · 9:17 am

How to Survive a Boring Meeting

Boring meetings are all the rage these days; and many meeting execs are wising up to how attendees are distracted by iPhones, iPads, etc. and have banned technology from meetings. Ogres!!

ogres

(“Oh,  you were expecting Prince Charming?”)

Here’s a way to survive meetings when there’s no access to gadgets:

Take “notes”: And by “notes” I mean make your grocery list or an inventory of your favorite novels. “Notes” can also include writing in your journal or thinking up creative Christmas gifts. (December is only a few months away.) The point is to look studious.

Have a food stash: Fill your pockets with tasty treats that can be surreptitiously placed in the mouth when your boss isn’t looking. Warning: Jordan Almonds are not a good idea. Too crunchy.

almonds(Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Nom, nom, nom.)

Outline Your Next Blog Post: This entire blog, and many others, was hand-written during a boring meeting. It looks like I’m paying attention. Nope. (Of course, now people are on to me. Great.)

Do several rounds of kegel exercises: With enough meetings, you’ll never need to use your hands to open a bottle of ketchup ever again.

Look up and nod occasionally: This lets the meeting leader know you’re absolutely paying attention. Hahahaha! Not.

Click pen frequently: I like to click my pen to the chorus of “Thrift Shop.” This was going great until the person next to me grabbed my pen and stabbed me in the thigh. Gees.

Create alternative lives for fellow meeting attendees: The man next to you probably knits scarves for penguins in his spare time. The woman across from you writes lusty novels on the weekends. Your boss? He’s most likely a serial killer.

lusty novel(This is what Pam from HR writes in her spare time. Who knew?)

Work on your sci-fi screenplay: You know, the one about colonization of Mars by lettuce-eating androids disguised as Mark Whalberg and Cher.

Write poetry: Like this:

A Meeting Haiku

Can I be more bored?

I can’t imagine I could.

My liver is tired.

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April 16, 2013 · 12:17 pm

Reasons to Stay in Bed Today

Another Tuesday has rolled around, and like all Tuesdays, I just want to sleep until it’s over. If I get out of bed, something bad will happen. I’ll break my toenail, get an unexpected bill in the mail, misplace the dog or end up dangling off a cliff somewhere in the Andes.

coyote(How did this happen? Oh, right. It’s Tuesday.)

No matter how my day starts, by Tuesday night I’m a heap o’ mess.

So I’ve created a list of reasons I can stay in bed today–guilt-free! (Or as guilt-free as a mother/wife/employee can ever stay in bed without a terminal illness.)

  • I’m afraid if I’ll get out of bed, I’ll see my shadow and have to stay awake for six straight weeks.
  • If I leave the house, I’ll have to talk to people.
  • I need to sulk for a while.

Sideshow Bob(I’ll stop sulking when it’s Wednesday.)

  • I have a new book/magazine/blog/newspaper to read!
  • There are too many dirty clothes to deal with if I get up.
  • If I get out of bed, someone’s going to want something.
  • It’s snowing. In April. In Utah.
  • If I stay in bed, maybe someone will think I’m sick and bring me dinner.
  • I’m just copying my dog.

Ringo Hug

(Dog days of Tuesday.)

It’s Tuesday. ’nuff said.

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April 4, 2013 · 10:55 am

Games That Almost Killed Me

Childhood is a dangerous time. Especially when school teachers/parents invent games that could prove fatal. I  thought my teachers enjoyed hanging out with obnoxious, snot-nosed children 8 hours a day, but looking back, I might be wrong.

Here are the top games that could have killed me:

Red Rover: When spring  rolled around, my teacher would take us outside for a friendly game of “Clothesline Your Chum” otherwise known as Red Rover. Your goal: break through your opponents’ clenched hands. Their goal: use  joined hands to punch your fellow student in the throat. Better yet, as they come charging at you full-force, let go of the friend’s hand and watch your opponent sail through and run into the chain link fence. Laughs all around!

red rover

(Always look for the weakest link in the Red Rover chain.)

Jump the Lava: The carpet is lava. The furniture is safe. Jump from the couch to the TV to the end tables to the coffee table to the love seat to the rocking chair to the kitchen table to the kitchen counter to the fridge without landing in the lava and dying a horribly painful death. Hey! Don’t laugh. We didn’t have XBox or Playstation, you lazy shits.

Mumblety Peg: My mom taught us this family-friendly, pointy-object game. The first person takes a knife and throws it at the ground between the second player’s feet, trying to get as close as possible without actually stabbing a toe. The second player returns the favor. This continues until someone receives a horrid knife wound. I think my mom taught us this game so we couldn’t play Jump the Lava.

knife

(Can also be used for lawn darts, a William Tell trick, and cleaning fingernails.)

Find the Marbles: First, take a plastic pool and fill it with flour. Second, drop several dozen marbles into the flour. Third, tell the kids to find the marbles by only using their mouths. Fourth, chuckle as kids choke on marbles and flour. Hahaha! Fun field day game.

Dodgeball: Dodgeball is a much-maligned game where two teams throw balls at each other until no one is left standing. People who couldn’t throw (me) just ran around in the back of the crowd, dodging missiles thrown by students undergoing some kind of growth hormone treatment.

dodgeball

(Fetal position is never a good idea in dodgeball. Just sayin’.)

What were your maniacal pastimes?

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March 15, 2013 · 4:05 pm

Utah’s Faux Spring

If you live in Utah and have seen tulips bursting from the damp soil, robins hopping around for worms, or teenagers sluffing in the park, you might think it’s spring. But natives of this state are well aware of Mother Nature’s wry sense of humor. It’s never really spring in Utah.

Here are some tricks Mother Nature keeps up her sleeve:

  • You look out the window and there’s a beautiful blue sky. The temperature is 55 degrees. However, you walk outside to get the newspaper and the wind is so cold your eyebrows freeze and fall off your face. “Joke’s on you!” Laughs Mother Nature. Skank.

wind(But the sun is shining! No fair!)

  • You’ll see bright green leaves gently pushing their way into the sun, soon to become daffodils, hyacinths or tulips. “Not so fast!” says Mother Nature, who then dumps a foot of snow on the poor flowers, and then runs off to bask in the Bahamas.
  • You walk outside with jeans and a jacket. It’s warm. It’s not windy. The sun is shining. You go back inside to put on shorts and flip-flops. You walk back outside into a blizzard.

run(Two miles back it was 75 degrees.)

  • The calendar might read March, April, May or June but any Utahn knows spring doesn’t start until June 30 and then ends on July 1 when summer hits and temperatures soar into the 90s.
  • Little girls in cute, spring Easter dresses huddle in down parkas whilst looking for Easter eggs. (Stupid Mother Nature. Stupid Easter Bunny.)

easter freeze

(He was hopping along, minding his own business, when Mother Nature freeze-dried him.)

Just to be safe, keep two different sets of clothes in the car at all times, plus an umbrella, picnic basket, gloves, Frisbees, scarves and sunscreen. Just coverin’ the bases.

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March 7, 2013 · 9:13 am

Quirky Behavior?

Everyone has strange tendencies. Some people exhibit OCD inclinations such as extreme hand-washing (not an Olympic event). Other people have creepy behaviors like collecting baby doll heads. Compared to those people, I’m not crazy at all.

Here are some of my quirks that I refuse to call weird:

  • Don’t pour me a glass of milk. This makes total sense to me, but my husband thinks I’ve fallen off the planet Lactosia. First, other people don’t know the EXACT amount of milk I need. Second, they might pour it too soon, and it will be warmish. Milk should be ICE COLD.

milk

milk

(One of these is too full. One is just right. When you can tell the difference, you can pour my milk.)

  • If I eat one Oreo, I must finish the entire package. I’ll tell myself that 3 cookies is one serving. But in my heart, I know that isn’t true. One package is one serving. I’ll eat Oreos until my stomach aches and my poop turns black. And I’ll keep eating Oreos, even after that. It’s an illness.oreos

(Rookie.)

  • Don’t touch my sides. Or any part of my stomach. Or anywhere near my stomach. This is something from my childhood, I’m sure. Probably from when I was being tickle-tortured by my grandpa. If anyone touches my belly region, they usually end up with a fork stuck in their cheek. Consider yourself warned.
  • Don’t make me a piece of toast. I don’t care if it’s Mother’s Day and my darling children bring me breakfast in bed. I have strict rules for toast-making, and I’m pretty sure you don’t know them. The toast must be toasted perfectly, by my standards. You don’t know my standards. There must be the correct amount of butter melted into the bread and, like my milk, it must be served at the correct temperature. If my toast isn’t still steaming, it goes in the dog dish.

toast

(This is not food. This is charcoal.)

  • My foot must be outside the blankets. Otherwise, I get buried-alive claustrophobic and wake up screaming. I’ve told my husband that when I die, he has to cut a hole in the casket so my foot can stick out. Might make for an awkward viewing, but I don’t care. I’m dead.

leg

(Sometimes the dog licks my foot. Still better than having my leg under the covers.)

  • I can’t listen to stupid people for any length of time. Self-explanatory.
  • I creak. If you’re next to me in a yoga class, you’ll think you’re practicing next to a box of Rice Krispies. Just don’t pour milk on me.

So now you won’t be offended if I come to your house and eat all your Oreos, but won’t drink your milk or eat your toast. And don’t take it personally if I punch you in the throat if you brush up against my obliques. Just an involuntary reaction.

What is your quirky behavior?

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February 22, 2013 · 3:22 pm

My Accurate Oscar Predictions

The most arrogant awards show in history airs on Sunday night. Everyone, and their dog, has made their predictions for who will win the coveted naked, gold man trophy during the Academy Awards. Besides the tedious thank you speeches, the long introductions and the snorefest of a production, some categories are often overlooked. Here are my 2012 Oscar predictions for those unsung categories:

Best Movie To Induce Vomiting: In my opinion, any rom-com can take home the Oscar for this category but, specifically, let’s go with “The Vow” for its overall smarminess. “The Five-Year Engagement” and “Playing for Keeps” tie for a close second.

vow(Free Pepto-Bismol with paid admission.)

Meth Dealer Featured in the Most Movies in 2012: Bryan Cranston wins the Oscar. With roles in “Argo,” “Total Recall,” “Rock of Ages” and “John Carter Bombs on Mars,” Cranston was EVERYWHERE. I guess, with being around all that methamphetamine, he can’t sleep. He might as well do something.

Best Use of Nicolas Cage’s “Acting” Skills:  In “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” Nicolas Cage’s character makes a deal with the devil that Cage will never make another “Ghost Rider” movie ever, ever, ever again.

Most Memorable Movie Tune: Chris Rock’s voice brings Marty the Zebra to life in “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted” and gave viewers the most earwiggy song in cartoon history:

“Dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah circus, dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah afro, circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!”marty

(Repeat this song until your nose bleeds.)

Best Reason to Export Adam Sandler: “That’s My Boy”

Best Movie About Old People Gettin’ It On: “Hope Springs.” I’ll never look at Tommy Lee Jones the same way. I had to scrub my eyes with bleach after leaving the movie.

Best Comedy:  “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Enough with the sparkly vampires already. Contact me for the complete drinking game rules for this series.

Best Use of Daniel Craig in a Suit: “Skyfall”

Best Dairy Product in a Leading Role: “Butter.” In this greasy movie, Jennifer Garner discovers her talent for butter carving and vows to hire a new agent.

butter(Toast and jam will be extra.)

Best Butchering of a Dr. Seuss fable: I’m not sure which Dr. Seuss book the writers of “Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax” read, but I don’t think Theodor Geisel had anything to do with it.

Best Novel That Will Be Made Into Too Many Movies: “The Hobbit: Unexpected Journey to the Theater Over Several Years”

Best Movie That Got No Respect: One of my favorite movies in 2012, “Moonrise Kingdom,” should have been at the top of every critic’s Oscar list. There’s young love, teenage angst, orphans, danger, violence and Frances McDormand. What else does a movie need?

moonrise(She runs off with a Scout and brings only a suitcase full of books and a turntable. My kinda gal!)

Keep these unsung movies in mind as you watch Oscar host Seth MacFarlane chortle his way through the show. Hopefully, Stewie will be his co-host.

 

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February 8, 2013 · 12:55 pm

Romantic Ideas for Valentine’s Day

As most of you know, I’m as far from romantic as I could possibly be. (See Romance 101.) But each February I attempt to bring a modicum of romance to Valentine’s Day. (Modicum definition: smidgen—or a solitary carnivore in the weasel family. I never remember.)wolverine

(A modicum in its natural habitat.)

I scour websites for ways to show my hubbie I love him.  I try to avoid anything that involves a) public nudity, b) photography, c) snake handling, d) McDonald’s–or any combination of the above.

Here are some “romantic” things I’ll do for my husband this Valentine’s Day:

  • Hide notes for him around the house. I tried this once using words made from cut-up magazines and newspapers, with a demand for new shoes–or his favorite golf club would disappear forever. He didn’t find it romantic at all.
  • Attend a public event without whining. My husband is uber-social. He likes people. So, just for this special day, I’ll go to a public event without complaining, begging to leave or sulking in the bathroom. Probably.
  • Kiss him in an unusual place. Maybe I didn’t understand this one correctly, but I guess kissing him by the garbage cans didn’t count.
  • Watch golf with him without complaining. Are you kidding?!?! I think that’s going a little too far. . .
  • Wear some sexy lingerie. He really will enjoy this. But he’d probably enjoy it more if my idea of “sexy” lingerie didn’t include any T-shirt that doesn’t have a ketchup stain. And fluffy pajama pants. And fuzzy socks.

pajama pants(I’m sexy and I know it.)

  • Surprise him with a fun gift. I really hope he likes the new yoga pants I bought him. And matching earrings.
  • Wink at him seductively when you’re at a public event. (Assuming I’m not hiding in the bathroom.) The last time I tried winking seductively, he thought I was having a stroke and drove me to the ER.
  • Initiate sex. I can’t do this without giggling. So, in a Pavlovian effect, every time I giggle, my husband starts getting undressed.

I think I’ll just stick with the basics: candy, card, a passionate kiss and a sincere, “I love you.” That should do it.

bunny

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January 29, 2013 · 9:58 am

A Handy Guide for Winters in Utah

Unless you’re a skier, snowboarder, ice fisherman, Eskimo or professional snowman assembler, Utah winters suck.

Since I’m none of those things, I’m also homebound. Of course, I could go out and try a snow sport, but that would involve putting on ski pants, gloves, scarves, boots, thermal underwear, ear muffs and parkas. By the time I’m ready to go out in the snow, I’m too tired–and weigh an additional 4o pounds.snow suit

(Playing in the snow or deep-sea diving?)

For those of you unfamiliar with winter (I hate you), I’ll define some key words to help you understand Utah winters–and why I should move to a warmer climate.

Inversion: Every winter, a science fiction-ish fog settles in the Salt Lake Valley, choking our lungs and robbing us of sunshine for weeks on end. The Utah Legislature also convenes during this time. Coincidence? I think not.

inversion

(See the pretty cloud cover? Yeah, the entire city is buried under that gunk cloud.)

Salt: To keep our streets ice-free (and tasty) road crews sprinkle TONS of salt on Utah freeways so our cars don’t careen off overpasses. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But, by February, every car in the state is coated with a fine film of salt that slowly corrodes all metal, leaving a rusty shell of a vehicle. The Utah Legislature also convenes during this time. Coincidence? I think not.

Commuter Special: This highly irritating term was created by Utah meteorologists to laughingly describe a storm that hits during morning or evening rush hours. (Hahaha! That’s hilarious.) So far this year, every storm has hit during rush hour. Not quite so special anymore. So shut the hell up, weathermen.snow driving

(Just another day in paradise. Did I say paradise? I meant hell.)

Lake Effect Snow: Ah, the Great Salt Lake. Good for absolutely nothing except farming brine shrimp. This is the snowstorm after the original snowstorm, caused by the Great Salt Lake trying to get our attention.

Winter Storm Warning: This redundant term is used when heavy snow is expected. In Utah, it’s also called December, January, February, March, April, May and June.

Shoveling Snow: Touted as a “great workout” by those who can’t afford environmentally-damaging snow blowers. This is bull****. Shoveling snow sucks. And snow plow drivers enjoy pushing snow back onto sidewalks that were just shoveled. I hate them.

shoveling

(I do not LMFAO while shoveling. Or Shuffling.)

Snow blizzards, warnings, advisories, flurries, etc. Weather synonyms thrown out by meteorologists when they can’t just say “snow storm.”

If you’re lucky enough to live in a snowless area (I hate you), count your blessings. If you’re in Utah, keep smiling. June is only five months away.

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January 10, 2013 · 12:19 pm

How to Prepare for the Oscars

Every year, Hollywood holds the Academy Awards so the world can watch wealthy, dysfunctional people pat each other on the back. This year’s list of nominees was just released, and movie critics are appalled/delighted with the potential winners. If the only movie you’ve seen this year was Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill,” get off this blog and never come back. But if you’d like to watch the Oscars like a civilized person, you can’t. No one in Hollywood is civilized.jack and jill

(A long, SNL skit gone horribly wrong.)

However, there are steps you can take to enjoy the Oscars, scheduled for broadcast in February–unless more Mayan conspiracy theories pop up in the next six weeks.

Step 1: Stock up on lots of alcohol for those fun Oscar drinking games, such as,  each time someone forgets to thank their spouse–drink up. You’ll be soused before you know it.

Step 2: Watch the nominated movies. Even the ones with subtitles. I don’t read the subtitles but try to guess what they’re saying by watching the reaction of those around them. I somehow never get it right.

subtitle(Oh! That’s what that means.)

Step 3: Practice walking in a bosom-revealing gown with five layers of Spanx, stiletto heels and shellacked hair, all while weighed down with millions of dollars in diamonds. And don’t eat for three days. This can give you a little insight into the “reality” of celebrity. (‘Cause doesn’t everyone you know do that?)

Step 4: Brush up on your condescending comments. (You’ll hear several from the losers following the awards program.) Such as:

  • “It’s not unusual for something brilliant to be disdained.”
  • “This film was a celebration of life and I am immune to professional criticism.”
  • “I doubt the American public fully understood the depth of this film.” (Not said by Adam Sandler)
  • “I felt (insert actor/actress) captured perfectly the nuanced ambiguity of the subject who was completely misunderstood.”

disdain(Future movie critic.)

Step 5: Perfect your red carpet stance. Create a signature look that will embarrass/follow you for the rest of your life. Take your time. This is important.angelina

(You just never know when you’ll start a trend.)

Now you’re ready to watch the 85th Annual Academy Awards in the comfort of your living room. Or leave the TV off and read a book.

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