Monthly Archives: August 2012

August 28, 2012 · 8:13 am

Top 5 Things To Expect at the Republican National Convention

(“America! Freedom! Jesus! Guns! Wealth! Strippers!”)

While watching TV over the weekend, there was a “news” story on CNN about how strip clubs in Tampa are preparing for the Republican National Convention. I guess all those family-values spouting “conservatives” just can’t wait to stuff dollar bills into a hooker’s g-string.

Anyway.

Here are the Top 5 Things To Expect at the RNC:

1. The coronation of His Highness Mitt Romney and His Vice-Highness Paul Ryan. All previous GOP candidates will put their hatred and harsh comments aside (at least in public) and rally behind the almost-human-but-not-quite Romney/Ryan team. Except for Ron Paul, who seems to be the only Republican not willing to sacrifice his soul for the party.

2. A TON of patriotic music. Scheduled to perform are country-lovin’ groups and singers like The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Trace Adkins, Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood and Willie Nelson. Assuming all these women-free performers follow through (without being scared off by Hurricane Isaac), there should be red, white and blue tears leaking out of everyone’s eyes by the end of the week.

(I’ve heard Chick-fil-A is catering the convention.)

3. Lots of speakers who are women.  Just so the Republicans can show us their women aren’t just gun-totin’, Jesus lovin’ trophy wives, they’ve lined up a series of highfalutin females to talk about Chevrolet, baseball and apple pie. (After their speeches, the women will return to the kitchen to finish up the hors d’oeuvres.)

4.Presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s non-answers. People, people. Don’t let Romney’s non-answers to legitimate questions bother you. His answers are Zen, akin to “the sound of one hand clapping” and “a tree falling in the woods.” For his real answers, watch FOX news for a lively interpretation. Or Jon Stewart for a funnier interpretation.

( I seek not to know the questions, but to understand the answers.)

5. A media blitz/social media frenzy. Gazillions of reporters, pundits, comedians, political activists, protestors and bloggers will converge on each delegate, convention attendee or innocent bystander creating Tweets, FB posts, #inanecomments, up-to-the-minute reports–and maybe even some actual news reporting. Hahaha. Just kidding about the news.

What you WON’T hear are remarks about “legitimate” rape, disbanding the NRA, gay marriage, cutting taxes for the middle class or the legislation and registration of women’s private parts (well, maybe in the strip clubs).

2 Comments

Filed under Top 5 Lists

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

August 25, 2012 · 2:22 pm

Tagged, I’m It

Thanks to Nicole from I Might Ramble for tagging me in this wacky game of blog-tag. It’s a fun way to get to know other bloggers so you can eventually stalk them and steal their garden hoses. Once you’re tagged, here’s what you MUST do:

1.  You must post the rules. (These are THE RULES.)

2.  Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.

3.  Create eight new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged. (It used to be more but I can’t think of more than eight.)

4.  Tag eight people with a link to your post. (It used to be more but I can’t think of more than eight.)

5.  Let them know they’ve been tagged.

Here are the questions Nicole asked me:

  • Who is your favorite author? God
  • What movie have you seen more than any other? It’s a tie between Napoleon Dynamite and Monty Python’s Holy Grail.
  • Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world for ten days? Somewhere with a beach, a yoga retreat, a chocolate factory, a bookstore and an old-timey pizza parlor.
  • Why are you responding to this tag? It’s Saturday and I’m bored. My life is sad.
  • Who is your favorite musician or band? Right now, it’s Bon Iver. Their music tends to be sad, indecipherable, mumbly and deep.My life is sad.
  • What book have you read more than any other? “The Power of Positive Thinking.” But it was a waste of time.
  • Where is the most amazing place you’ve ever been? Earth.
  • Do you watch reality television/why? No. That is NOT reality.
  • What’s your guilty pleasure/vice? Is serial killing a guilty pleasure? Road rage? Vandalism?
  • If you could go anywhere in the world (country, city, or restaurant) for a single meal, just to say you did, where would you go? I would go to Paris (Idaho) for French crepes.
  • The Twilight Saga, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games: have you read them and how do you rank them? Loved Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. LOATHE anything Twilight.

Here are the questions for my tagged bloggers:

1. Where wouldn’t you be caught dead?

2. What is your dream job?

3. What was your favorite childhood injury?

4. What would your pen name be?

5. If you had $10,000, what would you buy?

6. If you HAD to eat roadkill, what animal would you eat?

7. What superpower do you wish you had? Why?

8. What frustrates you the most?

Unsuspecting bloggers I’ve tagged:

1. On and Beyond

2. 40 is the new 13

3. Megan’s Creative Blog

4. Journey of Jordan East

5. Artists Promenade

6. Ms. Jolly Blogger

7. A Well-Documented Life

That’s it. Don’t have time to find an 8th one.

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Daily Life

Tagged as , ,

August 21, 2012 · 12:06 pm

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Tuesdays: That one day of the week when everything seems dismal, dreary and depressing. It’s also the day I can easily think of many things driving me crazy today:

  • When I have a cartload of groceries and the cashier insists on putting each item in it’s own bag. So I leave with 50 items and 50 bags. Maybe they have a bag quota.

(Each bag contains 1 Twix bar or 1 bag o’ Cheetos or 1 box of cereal, etc. And, yes, I do recycle.)

  • Microwaves. How come, with all our technology, no one has created a microwave that can shut quietly, program without annoying beeping and have a “quiet” alarm when the food is done? Makes it very hard to sneak a burrito at 3 a.m.
  • Those “warm air” hand dryers in restrooms. I end up wiping my hands on my pants anyway.

(I wish.)

  • The HUGE man who thought it was a good idea to sit in front of my small granddaughter at the movie theater. Even with her booster chair she couldn’t see, so we ended up rearranging everyone.
  • Indoor pools that use too much chlorine. Aaarrrrgggghhh! My eyes!

(Either too much chlorine or too many Twilight trailers.)

  • Drivers who cross the solid white lines!!!! Idiots! There’s a reason you’re not supposed to change lanes in those areas. It’s a DANGER to other drivers. Namely me! Read up on the road rules.
  • Calories.

4 Comments

Filed under Things Driving Me Crazy

Tagged as , , , ,

August 15, 2012 · 9:49 am

The TRUE Cost of Having Children

The Department of Agriculture recently announced it takes $250,000 to raise a child through high school. Why the Dept. of Agriculture? Because children are similar to vegetables.

I think this estimate is severely low. Having raised four daughters, here are some expenses I don’t think the researchers took into account:

  • Home repairs including, but not limited to, repainting the wall that your 4-year-old ”decorated” with nail polish. Or that Slurpee stain in the carpet that will NEVER, EVER come out–no matter how many times you pay a professional carpet cleaner.

(Scrub all you want. Even a nuclear holocaust won’t get rid of this stain.)

  • Every blankety-blankety-blank Happy Meal toy, cereal prize or other worthless trinket that fast-food restaurants/Disney dangle in front of children. This also includes temper-tantrum averting treats at the mall and impulse buys in the grocery store line that they won’t SHUT UP about.
  • School clothes–but not just clothes, the right kind of clothes. The expensive stuff that will only be worn once. This also includes the dozens of shoes you buy, not because your child grew out of them, but because she suddenly doesn’t like the way they feel, or she’ll “forget” one at her friend’s house, or they don’t match ANYTHING she owns.

(“But mo-om. None of these shoes match my skinny jeans.”)

  • Gas for driving them to and from school, work, their friend’s house, the mall, etc.
  • Face products, at least for daughters. If you don’t buy them their own face soap, moisturizer, etc.–yours will suddenly go missing. Strangely enough your daughter will “have no idea where your face mask is.”

(Even when you catch her using your stuff, she won’t admit it. “This mask is dad’s. He said I could use it.”)

  • Yards of fabric to make your teenage daughter a homemade princess costume for Halloween, only to screw it up and have to buy one anyway at the last minute–for twice the cost.
  • Every other Halloween costume. Plus accessories. And fake teeth. And fake blood.

(This Halloween costume costs $3,139. Then you still have to buy candy.)

  • The price of being “Santa’s Helper” during the holiday season. In December, I set up a direct deposit so my paycheck went directly to Toys R Us.
  • Birthday parties that MUST include the cool Disney princess du jour, gift bags for 20 little girls, an elaborate cake that no one will eat and tiaras.

I could go on (and on and on) but you get the idea. So if you’re in the process of child-rearing, save your cash. You’re gonna need it.

1 Comment

Filed under Daily Life

Tagged as , , , , , ,

August 7, 2012 · 11:51 am

Top 5 Reasons to Stop Watching NBC’s Version of the Olympics

I know, I know, greatest athletes, heartbreaking stories. I get it.

Every two years, NBC saturates the airwaves with backstories and teasers while the Olympic Games take place in the background. Enough already. Let us just watch the events without your commentators’ blathering inaneness.

(Ernie’s facepalm for the Games.)

Here are 5 Reasons to Stop Watching the Olympics on NBC:

#1–Coverage is a joke. Did you see USA gymnast John Orozco doing his thang on the rings during the men’s all-round? Neither did anyone else. How about coverage of anyone other than the “stars” of the Games? Nope.  Unless you’re a medal contender, you don’t get air time on NBC.

#2–Stating the obvious.   ”I think that fall might cost him some points.” “World Record time! That’s gotta be the fastest she’s ever gone!!” “Stepping out-of-bounds will lower her score.” “I’ll bet he’s disappointed in that performance.” Hint: Mute button.

(When a Jedi Master gets frustrated, that’s pretty bad.)

#3–Human interest stories. I appreciate how hard the athletes work. I really do. I worked with Olympic athletes for four years and was SO impressed with their level of sacrifice and dedication. But even THEY got tired of hearing their backstories set to violins with crying kittens and sad-looking panda bears. Can we have a little less manipulation in the media? Oh, I forgot. That’s what MEDIA stands for: Manipulating Every Decent Idealistic American.

#4–Editing for Americans. Does NBC think we can’t appreciate athletes from other nations? Are we that horrible? (Don’t answer that.) Did you see the special tribute during the opening ceremonies dedicated to the victims of the 2005 terrorist bombing in London? No?  That’s because NBC preempted that portion of the ceremony to show a Ryan Seacrest interview with Michael Phelps. Thank heavens we have NBC watching out for us because we know the Olympics are an American-only event.

(Really, NBC? Even Jean-Luc Picard gives you a facepalm.)

#5–Super Slow-Mo replay.   How many times can we watch a gymnast fall off the beam? Too many. Especially when  slow-motion cameras move frame by frame by frame by frame so it takes 20 minutes to watch a 2-second flub. Or the slow-motion victory where Michael Phelps reaches for the wall in insane slow-mo. His fingers move millimeter by millimeter toward the finish line. Stop playing with your toys, NBC.

NBC, I understand you spent $1.18 billion for the rights to drive the American public insane for two weeks, but please. Show us the events without commentators talking down to the audience and without the dumbing down of competitions because you think the American people are illiterate boors.

7 Comments

Filed under Top 5 Lists

Tagged as , , , , ,