Monthly Archives: July 2012

July 24, 2012 · 11:30 am

Driver’s License Division from the Black Lagoon

(Mike Thaler hasn’t written “DLD from the Black Lagoon”–but he should.)

My driver’s license expired. I had to go to the Driver’s License Division to get it renewed.

But I’d heard terrible stories about the DLD: The lines are so long I’d lose feeling in my legs; the workers are cannibals; the back room is used for torturing people with incorrect documentation; if you fail your eye test, you go on the driving range and run in front of the teenagers getting their licenses.

(Why didn’t I bring my glasses???)

But I had to get it done. I’m a law-abiding citizen.

So I gathered up all the papers I had in my home and headed out. I created a “renewal defense” as I drove toward my destination, practicing my astonished expression using the following phrases:

“But I didn’t know I needed to bring that information.”

“The eye chart looks blurry because I’ve spent the morning squinting.”

“I can’t believe that’s my driving record you’re looking at.”

“Of course that’s how much I weigh!!!!”

As I pulled into the parking lot, my breath became shallow. A woman walked out of the building crying.  A discouraged young man sifted through the ashtray, looking for a smokeable cigarette butt.  “Oh, no. They’ve beaten everyone down,” I thought.

(And this is just the PRE-line.)

I walked into the building, where flourescent lights flickered ominously, and filled out the application. Then I went to stand in line.

But there was no line. I spoke with a friendly woman who took my picture and checked my application. (She must be the one giving you a false sense of security before they lock you in a room and ask you how far you should park from the fire hydrant.)

I was given a number and told to take a seat. “Here it comes,” I thought. “The two-hour wait.”

Luckily, I had my book, several magazines, Twinkies, Cheetos and a pillow. But I hadn’t read two pages when my number was called. Trying not to look surprised (or guilty), I headed toward the renewal counter, ready to counter any argument if they asked for a blood or urine sample. But no. A pleasant young man took my information, checked my eyes, charged me $25 and sent me on my way.

(Prepared to read for the next five hours.)

What?! Nothing to roll my eyes at in frustration? No ridiculous rule I hadn’t obeyed?

I hesitantly walked toward the exit, waiting for security to drag me into the basement for the real renewal process. Once I was safely in my car, I realized I hadn’t breathed for 5 minutes. I filled my lungs, started my car and drove home, new license in my wallet.

We often lambast government entities for being inefficient timesuckers, but this time, they actually got it right. Sincere thanks.

(Happy, happy!)

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July 17, 2012 · 2:04 pm

Thank God For Birth Control

I was babysitting my youngest grandson (two-month-old Godzilla) and was reminded of all the reasons I’m through having babies. I found him to be highly emotional, irrational and subject to bouts of unprovoked crying. He’s kind of like having a miniature teenage daughter.

(You think this is a costume. Nope. My grandchild.)

Here are the things I’ve forgotten about babies:

  • Just when you think they’re asleep–they’re not. Every time I’d lay him down, his eyes would flash open like something out of a horror movie.
  • Drinking a five-ounce bottle is an all-day process. Drink an ounce. Fall asleep. Wake up 15 minutes later. Drink another ounce. Fall asleep. Repeat until you’ve pulled all your eyebrow hair out.
  • Crying and cooing look a lot alike. He’s smiling one minute, crying the next, cooing at me sweetly, then making horrible screeching sounds. Pick an emotion, dammit.

(Stage 1: 2:15 p.m.)

(Stage 2: 2:15 p.m.)

  • Poop really stinks.
  • Ringo the Dog is jealous of the baby. So if I’m holding ‘Lil Godzilla, I’m also holding Ringo. Makes it hard to breathe.

(Ringo the Dog thinks he’s as tiny as a newborn. He’s wrong.)

  • Babies insist on spitting up so it runs down your bare shoulder and you end up smelling like rotten milk for a couple of hours.
  • Babies require lots of accessories. Even more than a Kardashian. Scattered through my home were a variety of objects including a miniature swing, a vibrating monkey (don’t ask), a playmat with freakishly colored circus animals, several outfits (he’s very indecisive), a pallet of diapers and a crapload of toys he had no interest in.

(I’m not even sure what this is. It could be the alien spaceship that will return Godzilla to his home planet.)

But, in the end, I wouldn’t trade a second of watching this little boy. I love to snuggle into his soft neck, I love to tickle his tiny feet and I love to watch him learn to smile. Definitely worth it.

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July 10, 2012 · 10:08 am

Top 5 Ways to Make Money With Your Sweet Writing Skills

Yes, I know your heart’s desire is to write the next best-selling young adult fantasy trilogy that involves a love triangle between a goblin, a unicorn and a pair of comfy slippers but, not to dash your dreams into a glacier of cold reality, it’s probably not gonna happen.

(Are they assuming you’re writing for young adults dummies? I’m good with that.)

But you have great writing skills! Why not put them to good use? Here are some ways to incorporate writing skills into every day jobs–and make money! Win-win!

#1–Become a food server.  You always assume your waitress is writing your order on her little memo pad, but she might be jotting down your irritating characteristics as the basis for the villain in her next novel. As a food server, you can spend all day writing. Who cares if you never get the orders right?

(You just think she’s writing down your order. She’s really scribbling notes detailing your graphic death.)

#2–Write parking tickets. Add some creativity to the boring old parking ticket. You could write out the offense is several genres, such as–Shakespearean: “Thou hast parketh too near the hydrant of fire.” Agatha Christie: “Illegal parking is terribly revealing. Try and vary your methods as you will, your tastes, your habits, your attitude of mind, and your soul is revealed by your actions.”

#3–Create copy for cereal boxes.  Kids read this stuff, so it better be clever. Kids don’t go for bulls***–just give it to ‘em straight. “This box contains processed circular grain-flavored shapes that may, or may not, contain dozens of unidentifiable chemicals and preservatives. It’s most likely this box of cereal will lead to your death in the years to come. Free toy inside!!!”

(How many years have you spent reading cereal boxes?)

#4–Write homework essays for the neighbor kids. This is a great way to make a quick buck–assuming your clients get a weekly allowance. No one wants to write about Melville or Dickens–but, for a small fee, you can create flawless essays about symbolism, social satire and funny character names.

#5– Write ads for Craigslist. In order to sell your product on the internet, it needs to have a catchy headline, so use your creative writing skills to capture the attention of the general public. “Strippers needed for baby shower!” “This NuvaWave appliance will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!” “Moderately stained mattress can be yours today!” “Overdue library books–cheap!”

(With your finely tuned writing skills, you could sell this mattress to Martha Stewart.)

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July 3, 2012 · 9:18 am

Top 5 Ways To Celebrate Freedom

Interestingly enough, February 1 is National Freedom Day (Lincoln abolished slavery) while July 4 is National Independence Day (America abolished Great Britain).

(Hopefully, your Independence Day won’t include a devastating alien invasion.)

As U.S. citizens, we celebrate freedom by eating vast amounts of barbecue, lighting things on fire and waving at beauty queens during a parade. So, even after thousands of years of evolution, our society still tends to focus on food, fire and women. Great progress there, folks.

Here are 5 great ways to celebrate freedom this week:

#1–Read a book. As Americans, we’re free to read anything we’d like without censoring. (Unless you live in Davis County, Utah, and want to read “In Our Mothers’ House.” It’s a picture book about a child being raised by two mothers that was banned from Davis County schools.)

(For mercy’s sake! Don’t read this story about a loving family to your children!!)

#2–Act Like An Idiot. Americans are infamous for being boorish, obnoxious, outspoken, rude and stupid. For many people, The Fourth is July is celebrated by 1) Getting drunk, 2) Shooting off illegal fireworks, 3) Catching the dry field across the street on fire, and 4) Burning the neighbor’s house down.

#3–Watch TMZ or listen to Rush Limbaugh. Unlike many places across the world, the U.S. lets its citizens watch anything they damn well please. But, instead of educational, cultural or informative programs, the majority of people tend to lean toward reality TV, gossip-mongering hate-filled talk shows or porn. Thanks, freedom.

(What’s not to like?!)

#4–Debate the recent Supreme Court rulings. You don’t have to agree (hence the word “debate”) but at least be informed. Part of the wonderfulness of this country is our right to agree to disagree. Unless you’re FOX news or CNN. Then you are just disagreeable. (Don’t agree? That’s okay!)

#5–Thank a Vet. Seriously, folks. Whether it’s your grandpa that served in WWII, your uncle who fought in the Gulf War or your neighbor who just returned from Afghanistan, give them a hug (not the surprise kind where you jump out of the hall closet) and say, “thanks.”

(Thank you.)

Enjoy the freedom to vote, protest, send our daughters to school, choose our own spouse or religion.

And, finally, be safe during The Fourth of July by avoiding warm potato salad, pyromaniac brothers with a penchant for “improving” the fireworks they just purchased, and children running with sparklers. What a freakin’ dangerous holiday.

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