Monthly Archives: May 2012

May 29, 2012 · 9:40 am

Top 5 Things Men Should Stop Doing

I appreciate women can be difficult. We’re uber-smart, super strong, overly capable and do a variety of activities while wearing six-inch heels and applying lip gloss. But, for some reason, men continue to patronize us while totally ignoring the fact we’re intelligent beings.

Here are the top 5 things men should just stop doing. Right now. I mean it. Stop it.

Dont:

1. Talk down to us: Nothing is more insulting than hearing, “Look how hard she’s trying” or “Isn’t it cute how much effort she’s making?” We’re not stupid pets, gentlemen. We don’t need our heads patted or our bellies rubbed. Keep it up and you might find a pencil stuck in one of your sinus cavities.

2. Lecture: Because men are obviously SO MUCH SMARTER than women, men tend to lecture us about things that a) we already know or b) are total bulls***.  Shut up already. And don’t think you need to explain things to us. We get it. I promise.

(“How’s that knife wound in your kidney workin’ for ya?”)

3. Brag: It’s just dandy that you were a high school football star—20 years ago. I’m happy that you like to participate in triathlons on the weekends–and talk about it all week. Killed a moose with your bare hands? Rode a rabid ostrich through the Outback? Took down a terrorist cell with a plastic hanger and a Tootsie Pop? Great. Now, don’t you have something else you should be doing? Like working?

4. Describe your perfect woman: Yes, we know your dream girl looks NOTHING like us. We’re not constantly being airbrushed, made up, tousled, surgically enhanced or pouting seductively. So stop telling us what we lack. Either appreciate it or get lost.

5. Act Like You’re Listening: Granted, women like to talk about their “feelings” or their “lack of validation.” I understand that gets boring at times for you men, and it’s hard to listen when it’s your turn at Draw Something. But, dammit, we listen to your inane recounts of basketball games, baseball highlights, golf scores, video game activities and how much you hate your boss. Blankly staring at us does NOT constitute listening. Are you listening?!?!?

(This man is NOT listening. He’s trying to remember if he programmed his DVR to record Castle.)

Dropping these bad habits will ensure a life-long appreciation from the women in your life. Just sayin’.

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May 22, 2012 · 9:49 am

Straight to DVD . . .

With the box-office success of the badly-dialogued Battleship, I thought I’d give board-game-based screenplay writing a try. (Vote for your favorite. I’ll write it, submit it to Hollywood and watch the cash roll in. Mwahahahaha!)

Operation: A medieval doctor with a drinking problem operates on patients without anaesthesia. (Well, the patients aren’t anesthetized.) Since Hugh Laurie is out of work, I think he’d be a perfect lead.

(Watch Hugh Laurie’s nose light up!)

Aggravation: An easily-irritated man commutes to work on the CA-91 in Los Angeles. His one-hour, “lost-footage” adventure is highlighted with profanity, bouts of crying and lots of inane one-liners like, “Stop tailgatin’ me, punk!” Starring Mel Gibson or Ron Artest.

Cootie: A loser high school student has an unfortunate accident involving a nuclear reactor and a flea (details are vague). He spends the rest of the movie trying to understand his new superpower of repelling girls, wondering why his dog has stopped loving him.

(Cooties need love, too.)

Sorry!: Follow the dark path of state senator Sleaze McGee. See him caught in a bribery scandal. (Sorry!) Watch him get wrapped up in a prostitution sting. (Sorry!). See him explain his $15,000 all-expense-paid trip to Barbados with his intern, Rodney. (Sorry!) Watch him tell his wife he wants gender-altering surgery. (Sorry!) What? Too real?

Hi-Ho! Cherry-O: A group of illegal immigrants travel from farm to farm,  picking cherries to support their families. Good times, bad times, funny times and poignant moments. TWIST: At the end they find out they were legal the entire time. Hahahahaha!

(A Mexican-American Grapes of Wrath.)

Mr. Potato Head: Adam Sandler stars as a zany banker with a big head and removable body parts. He spends the movie looking for his lost penis. Oh, wait. I think he already made that movie.

Memory: Set in an assisted living center, this dramedy follows a group of wacky, early-dementia patients and their brouhahas. “Where did we get this Lincoln Continental full of champagne?” “Where did we leave Daniel’s oxygen tank?” “Where’s my underwear?” (Possible leads: Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman and a hologram of George Burns.)

Jenga: A group of sneaky politicians slowly build a wobbly tower of corruption that eventually collapses when political pundits knock it over with Tinkertoy bombs.

(Jenga is Swahili for “to build.” Not kidding. Look it up)

Mad Gab:  A movie-ized version of Fox News. I know. It might be too scary.

Pictionary: A group of husbands spend an evening explaining the plot of several action movies to their wives. Chaos ensues as the men illustrate the finer points of The Expendables and Inception. The wives, who already understand the plots, go to dinner.

Barrel of Monkeys: A group of mutant kindergarteners take over the country, flinging poo and destroying city after city. This movie was originally called Congress.

(Funny. If it wasn’t true.)

Trivial Pursuit: A young man falls in love with a woman who is in love with someone else. Several misunderstandings. A potential relationship-ending fight. A montage of their favorite moments (accompanied by the song “Almost Paradise”). After a final series of mishaps, they get married in an unconventional way. (This could also be called Every Rom-Com Ever Made.)

Vote now!

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May 15, 2012 · 11:29 am

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Wind makes me tense. So does being awake. So when I’m awake on a blustery day, I tend to be easily irritated. Here are the main culprits causing my insanity today.

(Wind is NEVER this romantic.)

  • Tank tops with built-in “bras.” Tank top makers, my bosom area doesn’t fit into those stupid built-in Kleenex bras so I have to wear a sports bra anyway. Then the built-in bra rides up on my chestal area, creating a muffin-top effect. More than a little disturbing.
  • Hostess. I KNOW how bad those cupcakes, donettes, blackberry pies and Ho-Hos are for me. But I can’t stop craving those tasty, sugar-filled demons. I think cream filling is a mixture of meth and sugar to keep me coming back.

(The box says there are 180 calories for 3 donettes. But that seems a little high. I’m sure it’s wrong.)

  • Talking to customer service for internet/phone/cable. We recently changed our communications company because the previous one was exasperating. But when I called to cancel, I had to explain to several people, in several different languages, why I didn’t want their product anymore. Can’t they just have a button to press to cancel service without talking to anyone?
  • Sign-Twirling Teens. The marketing agency that thought putting teenagers on street corners holding signs was a good idea should be disbanded. Because NOW the twitchy teens feel the need to dance and spin the signs around–totally negating the purpose of advertising since I can’t read the DAMN sign until you stop spinning it like a helicopter.

(Yeah, that upside-down phone number is very helpful. Thanks.)

  • Slow walkers!!!! It’s a guarantee when I’m in a hurry, there will be someone walking in front of me at the speed of lard. And there’s usually no way to get around them, so I take slow, exaggerated steps behind them thinking that  my passive actions will somehow speed them up. Doesn’t work.

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May 9, 2012 · 7:54 am

Top 5 Ways to Tell It’s Spring in Utah

Utah is “blessed” to experience all four seasons (deer hunt, basketball, soccer and tourist). But when spring finally arrives (usually around July 22), the weather actually becomes bearable. Translation: I can wear shorts and tank tops without a parka.

(You can tell it’s May. Shorts and flip-flops, baby!)

Here are the top 5 ways to tell it’s spring in the Beehive State:

1. Graffiti: Warm weather brings out the L’il Monet in gangsta wanna-bes. Territory-marking Picassos tag fences, electrical boxes or garage doors. Not only should these ruinous Renoirs be spanked for bad behavior, the grammar police should beat them with dictionaries. The fact these vandalizing Van Gogh’s don’t use vowels bothers me to no end. Everyone uses vowels. Even Hitler used vowels.

2. Pre-Summer-vacation blues: When the neighbor women start stockpiling anti-depressants and Merlot, I know that June is approaching and school will be out soon. Mothers who put June Cleaver to shame, start looking frayed around the edges, trembling for no reason and jumping at loud noises. Bouts of depression are experienced in most kitchens all through May.

(Rouse me when the kids go back to school.)

3. Road Construction: Okay, this doesn’t really count because the Utah Department of Transportation does road construction YEAR ROUND. But spring usually heralds in a flurry of new road projects, road closures, intersection rebuilds and flaring tempers. Most drivers spend their commute idling in their cars, cleaning their weapons.

4. Spring Yardwork: For approximately 22 minutes during May, I’m excited about doing yardwork. It’s usually a beautiful, sunny day as I plant petunias, snapdragons, marigolds and other hardy plants that I will completely ignore for the next four months.

(My garden in May. . .

. . . and in August.)

5. Junior Sports: All across the state, grade-school kids are donning shin-guards, baseball jerseys, soccer shorts and athletic cups. Except for the girls. (They don’t wear shin-guards.) Parents and grandparents sit in the cold and wind (more signs of spring), watching their little ones tackle runners going to third base, kicking goals for the other team and being yelled at by angry fathers living vicariously through their five-year-olds.

Once each of these items are checked off, summer can officially arrive!!!

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May 1, 2012 · 11:47 am

Top 5 Reasons I Hate Tuesdays

Everyone whines and whines about Mondays–but anyone with sense knows the worst day of the week is Tuesday. If the end of the world happens, it will be on a Tuesday. Guaranteed.

It’s never a day off work, never a “hump” day and never part of an extended weekend, unless that Monday-night party left you incapacitated.

(Wha? It’s Tuesday? Damn.)

Here are 5 reasons I absolutely HATE Tuesdays:

1. It’s considered the second day of the week. And everyone knows that “second” really means “first loser.” It should be called Luesday.

2. Monday is all busy emails, busy phone calls, busy deadlines. Tuesday is all “Oh, it’s not even CLOSE to Friday yet.” In fact, it’s about as far away from Friday as you can get.

(No matter which way you go. Friday is too far away)

3. Because of THIS definition of Tuesday from Wikipedia (“Wiki” being derived from Latin for “confusing” and “pedia” meaning “full of s***”). “The English name is derived from Tiwesdæg and Tewesday, meaning “Tīw’s Day”, the day of Tiw.” WTF??

4. Tuesday is election day in the U.S. where we elect wealthy government officials who will eventually screw us over for their own best interests. If we had election days on Wednesdays, that wouldn’t happen.

(This is all Tuesday’s fault.)

5. There are no good songs about Tuesday. Do you know why? Because Tuesdays suck. Here are some memorable Tuesday song lyrics:

  • “Good-bye, Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you?” (Again. WTF?)
  • “Tuesday. Afternoon. I’m just beginning to see. Now I’m on my way. It doesn’t matter to me. Chasing the clouds away.” (Must have been some strong stuff.)
  • “Tuesday came and went like a helicopter overhead.” (Yep.)

I rest my case. ‘Nuff said.

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