Monthly Archives: April 2012

April 24, 2012 · 11:44 am

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I’m usually so mild-mannered and relaxed. But once in a while, my knickers get twisted and I get highly irrational. This is one of those times. These are things twisting my knickers today:

  • North Korea. Just ’cause.
  • My bathroom scale. I’m pretty sure it’s stuck. (I tried bashing it with a hammer, but the number still didn’t change.)

(The view of the numbers is so much better down here.)

  • Men.
  • People who text while you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Put down your damn phone!!!
  • Shaving my legs and then noticing I missed ALL the hair on my knees. (I usually notice this when I’m sitting in the sun, wearing shorts, and everyone is pointing at my hairy knees and laughing.)

 (Makes you want to pet them, doesn’t it?)

  • Going through the entire day with pepper stuck between my front teeth. Thanks “friends” for letting me know.
  • ANY “news” about Zac Efron. Holy crap, people. (His name sounds like an over-the-counter allergy medication.)
  • Being told multi-vitamins don’t do any good. And then being told all the produce at the grocery store has been leached of any nutrition. What am I supposed to eat to be healthy? (I guess it’s back to chocolate donuts and Coke.)

 (Breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.)

  • Ringo the Dog when he decides to chase a cat. If you see someone running down your street, swinging a tangled leash and yelling “Come back, dumba**!!” It’s probably me.
  • Going to the grocery store and not having anything good to eat for dinner. (Chocolate donuts and Coke, again.)

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April 17, 2012 · 9:50 am

Yoga vs. Cardio Blast

(This is “Check to See If You Put On Deodorant This Morning ” pose.)

For several years I taught an early morning yoga class on Wednesdays. What a great way to start the day!! Unfortunately, very few people felt the same way–and my class was cancelled. (Death to change!)

But NOW my boss has me teaching a Cardio Blast, high-intensity interval class at 5:45 on Wednesday mornings that involves jumping around until my lungs leak out my nose.

Here are the main differences between a power yoga workout and cardio blast:

Heart Rate: While a good power yoga class gets the ol’ heart pumpin’, a Cardio Blast heartbeat is more like a hummingbird on meth. Get the heart rate up, stop. Get the heart rate up, stop. When you can’t feel your heart beating anymore, take a break.

Absence of Zen: Yoga is all about living in the moment. High-intensity intervals is more about making it THROUGH the moment–without the help of a defibrillator. (Although I keep one close.)

(I’ll be fine. Just let me finish that last interval . . .)

Breathing: Yoga uses breath to support, lift and focus. Cardio Blast uses breath by making short, steady gasping and wheezing noises. And since I’m wearing a microphone, my dying Darth Vader breath is sent through the speakers at high volumes. Plus, when my heart rates spikes, my face turns bright red. I look like a freakin’ thermometer.

Finale: The last minutes of yoga are spent in deep relaxation with a quiet mind and focused breath. The last minutes of Cardio Blast are spent trying not to die. I leave yoga feeling composed and ready to face the day. I leave my interval class–usually in a wheelchair sucking on oxygen through a tube in my nose.

Benefits: Yoga builds strength, increases flexibility and teaches patience. Intervals are supposed to increase oxygen capacity, create strength and melt fat. I haven’t seen evidence of that yet, but I have noticed it causes me to swear a lot more during class.

(Repeat this move one million times.)

Music: Yoga tunes are inherently relaxing, zen-like tones, usually Peruvians playing pipes, or sounds of nature–like seagulls or whales. Cardio Blast music is a mash-up between techno, pop, dance and a drummer taking Red Bull shots. If you leave the class with your hearing intact, the music wasn’t loud enough.

Now, get out there and get your heart pumping. Well, I hope it’s already pumping.

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April 10, 2012 · 9:36 am

Top 5 Reasons to Be Happy Today

(You, too, can be this happy.)

Society tends to be pessimistic. Global warming, higher taxes, the New York Jets and Mitt Romney cause dark clouds to form in our brains. But, look at the bright side! Cheer up! Turn that frown upside down! Spoonful of sugar! Blah, blah, blah!

Here are some reasons to be happy today:

1–It’s A New Beginning: So, let’s say you’re a serial killer. Have you killed anyone today? Probably not. It’s a great day to start over and move on to better things. Murder is SO beneath you. Or, perhaps, you had an argument with your husband yesterday and spent $2,000 on mall crap. Today’s a new day! Forgive yourself and vow to spend half that much next time.

Moral: Every day is a new chance to be a better person.

(Bury the hatchet on your old habits. So to speak.)

2–You Have More Than Enough: Have you looked in your closet or pantry lately? Chances are they are both overflowing with stuff you never use, such as Healthy Choice soup you vowed to eat for lunch every day, or the cheetah-print high-tops that went so well with your jeggings. Find pleasure in what you already own.

Moral: There’s nothing you need RIGHT NOW.

3–You’re Not Dead: If you spent Easter weekend drinking Peep martinis, you might FEEL like you’re dead–or even WISH you were dead. But chances are, you’re not. You can spend the day not being dead. That involves things like eating Mexican food, watching mindless TV shows and surfing YouTube videos until your brains fall out. But. You’re still not dead.

Moral: Enjoy being alive.

(What being alive is all about.)

4–Today Could be the Best Day of Your Life: The only problem with this statement is that, from now one, every other day you’re alive will suck. Unless you can figure out a way to make every day even better than the one before. But that’s freakin’ stressful.

Moral: Resign yourself to having a GREAT day, but not the BEST day.

5–Follow Your Destiny:  As every feel-good guru will tell you–you can do anything! Want to hunt unicorns while riding a T-Rex? Done. Ready to win the lottery so you can solve world hunger? Not a problem. If that’s your destiny, all will be well. Unfortunately, most destinies involve working at a low- to mid-paying jobs, hating your co-workers and living from paycheck to paycheck until you die.

Moral: Keep your destiny realistic. Then you can’t be disappointed.

(Hey, little unicorn. We’re not going to hurt you. . .)

There. Don’t you feel happier already? It’s like magic.

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April 3, 2012 · 11:51 am

Egg-stra Fun Easter Traditions

It’s Easter-time again. Tulips are blooming. Birds are singing. Czech men are beating their wives with pussy-willows.

Yep. That’s right. Pussy-willow whippin’ is just one of many strange Easter traditions from around the globe. The idea is, pussy-willow whips will bring health and youth to anyone who is smacked with them. Don’t knock it. I might try it if it will take a few years off.

Here are some other great traditions to incorporate into your Easter holiday:

Watching The Ten Commandments: Every year, this epic movie airs on TV during the Easter weekend. Get your fill of Egyptian plagues, perils and punishments before enjoying a nice Sunday brunch with the family.

Don’t Forget the Bilby: Australians are not fond of rabbits. In fact, you could say the Aussies LOATHE the furry little critters. So instead of chocolate bunnies on Easter, Australian young-uns find chocolate bilbies in their baskets. (There has to be a vaccine for that.) Creepy, Flying Bells: Talk about unidentified flying objects, in parts of Europe (crazy place, Europe) the story is told that church bells fly to Rome for a few days of R&R before flying back to their home turf on Easter morning. The bells soar gracefully through the sky, bringing colored eggs, chocolates and toys to tiny tots. Uh huh. How much vodka are those Europeans drinking?

The Irresistable Butter Lamb: Ever wanted to sculpt a lamb made completely of butter, then eat it during Easter dinner? Well, if you love butter, this might be a fun (if not greasy) tradition. As everyone knows, the butter lamb signifies the richness of Christ. Although it seems a little sacrilegious . . . and cannibalistic . . . to spread Christ on a biscuit.

(May contain vast amounts of heart-clogging materials. Happy Easter!)

Burning Judas: No. That’s not the name of a really cool rock group (yet). It’s a fun, family tradition in many Orthodox communities that involves burning an effigy of the traitorous Judas. Kind of like lighting a pinata on fire. (Without the candy.) Some groups even have a trial for the much-maligned apostle before condemning the figure to hanging and burning. At times, Judas has even been filled with fireworks. (Something my brother, the pyro, would do.) Nothing like that Christ-like forgiveness while celebrating the Easter holiday.

So, if you’re tired of the same boring traditions like coloring eggs, dyeing chicks, hiding candy and eating too much ham and creamy potatoes, try some of these new traditions and bring a whole new dimension (insanity) to your family’s day. But don’t forget the bunnies. Or else. . .

(Death awaits you all. With big, nasty, pointy teeth.)

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