Monthly Archives: March 2012

March 30, 2012 · 10:07 am

Top 5 Things I Miss About Elementary School

(This is where it all happened.)

I attended Viewmont Elementary in Murray, Utah, during the ’70s. I survived this “far out” decade by going to school, watching cartoons, playing outside after dinner until it was too dark to see, eating casseroles and reading until I fell asleep. My kind of life–except the casserole part.

Besides readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic, I learned important lessons during that time. Here are the top five things I miss about being in grade school.

1. Optimism: Kids under the age of 12 are optimistic. They admit they’re happy. They tell people they’re happy. They do happy things–like smile and laugh. Once they hit junior high, being happy just isn’t cool. No one sees a smiling 14-year-old girl. Or if they do, they instantly drug test her. If she doesn’t stab them first.

(Try to make her smile and you’ll end up strapped to the train tracks.)

2. The Reading Corner: Once our school work was done, we could hang out in the back of the class at the reading lounge–a groovy square of carpet covered with bean bag chairs surrounded by bookshelves. My idea of heaven. I think employers should invest in a good reading corner.

3. Recess: Why does recess stop after sixth grade? Don’t grown-ups know that kids of every age need to run around and scream for 15-20 minutes? Employers would get better work production if their employees were let out twice a day to run around, play dodgeball or hopscotch, shoot hoops, play marbles and four-square, jump rope, play with big parachutes or just lounge around on the grass watching the clouds.

(We don’t play with parachutes nearly enough.)

4. Snack Time w/o Guilt: Graham crackers and milk was a highlight to my kindergarten day. I didn’t hear ONE person count the calories in the crackers or ask for lactose-free milk. Now, snack time consists of high-fiber, tasteless crap–unless you have snack time hidden in a closet. Then it’s chocolate donuts and Twizzlers!

5.Amazement: Remember learning about the solar system (even Pluto), planting seeds, caring for a class pet or watching those cool Disney nature films that Jiminy Cricket narrated? We used to be AMAZED when we learned new things. Now it’s like, “Oh, I already know everything. Therefore, nothing is amazing.” Bulls***!

(I fell in love with otters in Mrs. Lambert’s second grade class. We’ve had a secret romance for several decades.)

It’s time to stop acting grown up. I hereby declare my adulthood over and my childhood re-opened! Where are the graham crackers and jump ropes?!?!?

9 Comments

Filed under Top 5 Lists

Tagged as , , , ,

March 20, 2012 · 11:20 am

Things I Just Don’t Understand

This isn’t about anti-matter, Morgellon’s disease, the elusive monopole or other mysterious terms people throw out to sound smart. These are just ordinary, daily things that make NO sense to me. Maybe you can help clarify.

  • Why do people at Wal-Mart shuffle their feet? No one strides through Wal-Mart or briskly scans the aisles; it’s  a sloth-like, death march, with many Wal-Martians leaning against the hand-rail of the shopping cart, looking like malaria victims.

(This is also beyond my understanding. In so many ways.)

  • Wood pencils that have the phrase “Save the Trees.”
  • Why Newt Gingrich is still running for the GOP nomination.  As Jimmy Kimmel said, “Newt puts the “hippo” in “hypocrite.”
  • Why religious sects continue to fight about whose God is the best. Isn’t that like arguing over which imaginary friend is the strongest?
 (And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”)
  • Why are Girl Scout cookies only sold once a year? Do employees at Little Brownie Bakers only work three months a year–and then they’re off for the year with full-pay and all the Samoas they can eat? And where can I apply?
  • Why do women wax, shave, exfoliate, cleanse, moisturize and mask? Men only shave. Sometimes.
  • Speaking of grooming, why does shampoo come with operating instructions?

(Do people often get these steps confused?)

    • Why haven’t men learn to read minds? They’ve had thousands of years of evolution to do this. On the other hand, women have read men’s minds for millenia. That’s why women are usually pissed off.
    • Why do teenagers insist on walking SLOWLY down the center of the street? Maybe they’re practicing for a trip to Wal-Mart.
(If you’re going to walk in the road, at least hop around so I can pretend we’re playing Frogger.)

7 Comments

Filed under Daily Life

Tagged as , , , ,

March 13, 2012 · 9:52 am

Top 5 Reasons Writing Sucks

I’ve been writing since I learned to eat a pencil eraser. I moved on from chewing pencils to eating pen caps, sniffing markers and giving myself ink tattoos with a Bic during history class. Then came “typing,” “keyboarding” or whatever the hell it’s called today.

(Remember typing so fast the keys stuck? Yeah, I’m that old.)

I learned to type on the very first typewriter carried to this continent by Leif Ericson and his band of merry Norsemen. It sucked. But the more technology has developed to help me write, the harder writing seems to be. I’ve been a “professional” writer for 10 years and there are days I LOVE it (the days I’m on my meds) and days I hate it (every other day).  Here are the Top 5 Reasons Writing Sucks:

1. Content Limit: There are only so many words in the dictionary and only so many ways to arrange those words. So, unless I start writing in Russian or Greek, I need to maximize 26 letters in a way no one has ever done before. No pressure there. And Shakespeare already used the best one-liners. But, then again, even monkeys could write a novel if given enough time—look at Sarah Palin.

(Maybe she’d like a ghost writer for her next book.)

2. People are easily offended: If anything in the previous paragraph offended you–take a number. I’ve received emails from people who were angered by things I’d written, not taking into account I write a HUMOR column, not political essays for the Washington Post. Trigger words like “conservative lunatic” or “get off your a**” seem to set people off. Go figure.

3. It’s SO personal. Writers bleed their hearts onto the paper (or screen) and tentatively let it loose in the biosphere for people to attack/enjoy, only to have it received with a sniff and a derisive comment. If you don’t have thick skin, perhaps you should choose a different field. Like hermit.

(Stop calling me names! I’m just a writer!)

4. I’m easily distracted. I just typed “I’m easily distracted” then stared at the screen trying to decide which Girl Scout cookies are left in the pantry. My method for writing is:

1. Craft a brilliant sentence (or phrase)

2. Look around the room to see if there’s anything more interesting to do

3. Rewrite the brilliant sentence (or phrase)

4. Get up and eat a Girl Scout cookie

5. Repeat 1-4 until the article, blog, column, etc. is complete (sometimes this can take days).

5. Low pay. I know, you’re shocked. But how many millionaire journalists do you know? We put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) every day, subject ourselves to ridicule and, in return, make less than many Wendy’s managers. Okay. ALL Wendy’s managers.

(These people make more than me. Plus, they get free Frosties. Bonus!!)

So why write, you ask? Because I love to . . . ummmm. . . I enjoy . . .Well, I guess it harks back to the day when I tried to type so fast the keys would stick. Not such a problem anymore.

Sigh.

14 Comments

Filed under Top 5 Lists

Tagged as , , , ,

March 10, 2012 · 9:30 am

Why See’s Chocolates Should Sponsor This Blog

The reasons See’s Chocolates should sponsor my Life and Laughter blog are numerous–and the similarities between me and the chocolate giant are eerie. Here are just a few reasons See’s should slap an ad on my blog.

(I’m on the See-food diet.)

Reason #1: See’s creates excellent chocolates. I EAT excellent chocolates. (Like I said. Eerie)

Reason #2: See’s first shop opened in 1921. Mark Twain (my favorite author) was TALKED ABOUT in 1921.

(Author and satirist Mark Twain posthumously enjoying a See’s chocolate cigar.)

Reason #3: See’s offers more than 100 varieties of candies and chocolates. I totally support that!

Reason #4: See’s makes THE BEST Nuts & Chews and truffles. Coincidentally, Nuts & Chews and truffles are my FAVORITE!

Reason #5: Founder Charles See had a mother. SO DID I!

Reason #6: The company is headquartered in San Francisco. I’ve BEEN to San Francisco!

(Dead or alive: This is where I want to be buried.)

Reason #7: See’s has kitchens at a second location in Los Angeles. I have a kitchen right across the hall!

Reason #8: See’s has stores in Utah. I grew up in Utah.

Reason #9: Guittard Chocolates delivers bulk liquid chocolate in tanker trunks to See’s to make their delicious candies. I could LIVE in a bulk liquid chocolate tanker trunk.

Reason #10: See’s has a large variety of dark chocolates that are good for your heart. I have a heart! (Usually.)

(I’m pretty sure my heart is 99.9% chocolate. The remaining .1%? Coca-Cola.)

5 Comments

Filed under Daily Life

Tagged as , , , , ,

March 6, 2012 · 2:34 pm

To Hell and Back

Remember those field trips in first grade where the bus smelled like urine, the children screamed songs and teachers were frazzled? Well, I just relived that experience when I chaperoned my grandson’s class to the aquarium.

(There was NOT a Loch Ness monster in our aquarium. Feeling gypped.)

Now, my grandson is perfect. That’s all there is to it. He’s handsome. He’s brilliant. He’s funny. And he loves me. However, every other first grader had either downed a high-octane espresso or snorted brown sugar before boarding the bus. Children were bouncing everywhere like Jell-O in an earthquake. The little girl sitting next to me kept screaming ”Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I guess she was channeling my thoughts.

(I know exactly how you feel, Santa. Time for some rum.)

When we finally arrived at the aquarium (the longest freakin’ bus ride of my life), chaos ensued. Teachers and parents scrambled to herd kids into the facility while the kids did everything they could to try to get lost immediately. The little girl who had previously been screaming in my ear, made a beeline to the sting ray tank and proceeded to slap the rays as they swam by.

I finally restored a semblance of order by saying the sting rays were a rare kind of killer that ate the flesh of young children. Interestingly enough, that was also true about the penguins, the jellyfish, the starfish, the otters and every other creature we came across. I’ve probably instilled a fear and loathing to all things “ocean.”

(It’s worse than that. He’s dead, Jim.)

And since we live in Utah, which, when I last checked, was hundreds of miles from any ocean, the aquarium lacked the “fun” aquatic creatures like killer whales, great white sharks and the Little Mermaid. Instead, we watched rainbow trout, river otters and shrimp from the Great Salt Lake as they lived in their natural habitat of a glass tank.

Kids get bored easily. Even when we’re pretending to hunt jellyfish. So we toured the facility twice and were just getting ready to watch them feed children to the small sharks when it was time to board the bus to go home. I volunteered to walk, but they insisted I get back on the bus from hell.

(The Daily News snapped this picture of our bus when it got back to the school.)

More frivolity ensued as the bus riders punched each other, fell off their seats, cried, slapped the people in front of them and threw their shoes out the window. And that was just the teachers. The kids were OUT OF CONTROL. I never remember acting that way on a bus ride. Of course, back then a “bus” was a wagon pulled by oxen. And teachers were still allowed, even encouraged, to beat us.

After I returned to the school, kissed the ground and headed back to my (quiet) car, I thought “That wasn’t so bad.” Hahahahaha! Just kidding. I didn’t think that.

3 Comments

Filed under Daily Life

Tagged as , , , , , ,