Monthly Archives: February 2012

February 27, 2012 · 10:22 am

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

(These damn kids with their loud music and their saggy jeans! Get off my lawn, you buggers!)

I must be getting older because my patience is wearing thin. I always thought my grandma was crotchety and impatient–and now I’ve become her. (Time to learn how to knit and yell at the neighbor kids.) But I’m sure my grandma would agree with the following things that are driving me crazy today:

  • Male politicians and religious leaders (and some FEMALE politicians) arguing about a woman’s choice for birth control, abortion, etc. At what point did women’s health issues become the government’s business? Stay out of my nether-regions, sir!

(Coming soon! A new Utah State Legislature-approved fashion line for women.)

  •  Drivers who don’t wave “thank you” after you let them pull in front of you.
  • People who are NOT me that make millions of dollars a year.
  • “Celebrity” news about a) Lindsey Lohan’s relapses, b) Angelina Jolie’s fertility status, c) anything involving a Snooki or a J-Woww, or d) Katherine Heigl’s “career.”

(“News,” by definition, is something that happens out of the ordinary. This is not “news.”)

  • People who are NOT me who are eating chocolate cake right now.
  • Beyoncé trademarking her daughter’s name: Blue Ivy Carter. Really? Is having a child a money-making scheme? (Didn’t work for me, that’s for damn sure.)
  • People who speak Starbuck-ese. Get over it! The sizes are small, medium and large. Geesh.

(Thank God there’s still some sense in the world.)

  • The Oscars! Enough all-freakin’-ready!
  • Showing up at a semi-formal event in jeans and flip-flops. Whoops. (Didn’t get the memo.)
  • Self check-out lanes at the grocery store that are 12 times slower than having an employee do the job for you.  I’m not smart enough to be a cashier–or I’d BE A CASHIER!!!
  • The Utah State Legislature. No explanation needed.

(The Utah Capitol Building. Could also be the setting for the Ringling Brothers, “Psycho” and/or “Titanic.”)

Now that I’ve vented, I’m going to take my teeth out and take a nap.

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February 20, 2012 · 10:19 am

Vote For PK!

Since today is President’s Day, I stopped to think how much it would suck to be president of the U.S. Talk about making NOBODY happy.

But there MUST be perks to being prez or no one would bother to run every four years. Here are the top things that would make it cool to be president.

  • Absolute Power! (Duh)

(My cabinet would be the Masters of the Universe.)

  • $400,000 a year, plus a $50,000 annual expense account. Yeah, I could spend that.
  • I would designate July 5 (my b-day) as National Peri Kinder Day–extending the 4th of July holiday an extra day–and creating lots of love for me.(My secret service agents–male/female–would have to dress like this during the holiday. I’ll wear shorts and a tank top.)
  • The bumper sticker on my pimped-out limo would read, “My other car is Air Force One. Suckas!”
  • No housework for FOUR YEARS!!!!

(I’m the one not holding a vacuum.)

  • I can mail things for free for the rest of my life. Or until the post office folds.
  • I would establish a cool presidential library. The Peri L Kinder Presidential Library (located in Kearns, Utah) would feature a large sunroom with window seats; access to snacks of all kinds (mostly candy); James Earl Jones reading to me from any book I choose; slides; trampoline floors; and a bedroom so I could live there.

(Nothing too pretentious. Oh. And it has a roller coaster)

  • I could get a “Hail to the Chief” ringtone. (Then I’d call myself all the time.)
  • I would choose an awesome VP. Maybe Chelsea Handler, Tina Fey or Ellen DeGeneres.
  • I’d hire a staff member to exercise for me.

(I’m not shown in this picture. I’m sleeping.)

  • I’d probably get to meet Jon Stewart. And Matt Lauer. And Kermit the Frog.
  • I would spend a lot of time deciding which SNL comic would portray me in sketches. I’m thinkin’ Bill Hader.

(Give him a blonde wig and we’re TWINS!)

Now I’m WAY excited to run for president. I’m pretty sure I could beat Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul–and any other GOP candidate still crawling out of the woodwork. But then I probably wouldn’t have time to blog.

Screw it.

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February 14, 2012 · 8:49 am

Romance 101

(When saying “No” just isn’t enough.)

Ah, yes. It’s time for another round of “How much do you love me?” a.k.a. Valentine’s Day. This day is the true test of timeless love, eternal heartshapes and air kisses. And if you FAIL? (Sad, slow shake of the head.) (To celebrate, I’ve found some AWESOME V-Day cards that I will sprinkle throughout my blog.)

(This comes with pepper-spray.)

My husband and I have varying opinions about this Hallmark-hyped holiday. He is a sweet man who regularly adores me–despite the date on the calendar, and despite my snarky attitude. I, on the other hand, don’t have a single romantic bone, muscle or fat cell in my body. Rom-coms make me vomit, love songs induce eye-rolling and smarmy poetry makes my upper arms itch.

(This also doubles as divorce papers.)

So I decided to take a crash course in romance. I turned to my all-knowing resource (Wikipedia) to find ways to become romantic

The first idea was Make It Personal: So I told my husband my lack of romantic ability was all his fault.

The next suggestion, Break the Monotony: At first I thought it said “Monogamy” and that didn’t go over so well. (My bad.) But then I realized my mistake. So, when my husband got home from a meeting, I jumped out of a closet and scared the s*** out of him. Don’t call ME monotonous.

Then, Focus on the Little Things: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I’m just going to skip this one.

Finally, Be Sincere: I sincerely don’t have any clue how to be romantic. I looked for cards depicting koala bears vomiting rainbows or Cupids slinging arrows into people’s still-beating hearts, but no luck.  I learned anything cute, red, lacy, sunsety, chocolatey, furry, violinish or feathered is deemed “romantic.” So I got my husband a garishly-painted red bunny wearing a lace collar and a feather boa sitting on a Hershey’s bar. And I gave it to him at sunset while we were sitting on the couch. (I’m pretty sure it was sunset.)

(I wouldn’t be NEARLY as tasty without those extra 15 pounds.)

I hope these V-Day tips will help make your holiday special. If all else fails, fake a debilitating illness for 24 hours with a quick recovery on Feb. 15.

(Just plain messed up.)

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February 6, 2012 · 2:28 pm

Top 5 Reasons I Hated the Super Bowl

Besides two BORING teams (yawn); and besides the hours of pre-pre-pre-pre-game hype; and besides the fact that male athletes are the most overpaid, overindulged bunch of babies on the planet; while watching Sunday’s Super (?) Bowl, I found even more reasons to hate the game. (Of course, I was already biased because neither the Steelers nor the Niners were playing. Boo.)

(Future NFL Hall of Famer.)

#1. Stats: Who has the freakin’ time to research all the stats that are thrown at TV audiences? Most interceptions, total yards, most felonies, biggest tattoo, oldest grandma, best recipe for nachos–the TV announcers don’t. shut. the. hell. up. If Al Michaels threw out one more “this wide receiver spent the least amount of time doing homework” stat, I was going to throw my bowl of cheese dip at the TV.

#2. Overinflated Egos: Why does winning the Super Bowl make a team automatic WORLD Champions? While they’re at it, why not Intergalatically Undefeated? Or Universal Phenoms? How about next year the SB winner plays the Marvin Martian Marauders? (And didn’t the Giants LOSE 7 games during the season? Meh.)

(Oh, you have made me very angry! Very angry, indeed.)

#3. Boring Ads: Sequels abound. Not just in the movies but in the Super Bowl ads. Next year, no more talking babies, no monkeys at work and no more bikinis.  And prohibition ads? Really, Budweiser? Ad execs, take a creative pill. (But I DID like watching John Stamos get a nasty head-butting. Hahahaha! I’ll eat yogurt just for that.)

#4. The Walk of Slime: Was anyone besides me bothered by the trophy walk where the old guy carried the SB trophy through a gantlet of Giants who fondled, kissed and worshiped the metal statue? I think one Giants player even French-kissed the thing. Very disturbing. And now the trophy carries millions of new germs. Thanks, New York.

(This image from the Washington Post shows a player having an intimate moment with a metal football. Get a room.)

#5. Half-Time Show: I admit it. Americans are hard to impress. Especially the sober ones. But Madonna seemed to shuffle through her performance (and not in the cool LMFAO way–in the Medicare way) and didn’t seem to have any energy. Granted, I’ve never had to perform a half-time show but I don’t think I’d end it with a church choir.

(I think a baby velociraptor just landed on her head!!!)

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