Monthly Archives: January 2012

January 31, 2012 · 11:09 am

Getting Nailed

If eyes are the windows to the soul, the feet must be the smelly, damp cellar.

I used to take the time (and cash) to treat my feet to a pedicure twice a month. It’s like airing out that musty cellar and removing the mold. Then, to save money, I cut back to once every three weeks–and now it’s once a  month–or less. So when I finally take the time to get a pedicure, I’d better enjoy it, dammit!

  (Yep. Time for a trim.)

Let’s discuss my experience this past Saturday. I had some free time and a little extra moola, so I went to my local nail joint to get my bunions rubbed. I was ready to be pampered, lotioned, scraped and polished.

Right off the bat, I was pissed off. My nail technician plunked me in some lukewarm water and proceeded to talk on her cellphone, yelling at someone about her Internet service. (At least I think that’s what she was saying. She was speaking Vietnamese.) This continued while she cut my toenails back BELOW my skin and ripped the s*** out of my cuticles. Perhaps she thought I was her Internet provider.

(Hang up and start cleaning my cellar!!)

Then she moved my massage chair so far back that I kept sliding toward the foot bath. After 20 minutes of trying not to fall off the chair (and with my butt bones screaming) I pushed myself back up–only to have her yell at me because she said my legs were too long. (?)  Well, excuuuuuuuse me. Next time I’ll leave my legs at home and just bring my feet.

As she scraped the skin off my feet, with what is probably an illegal torture device, she tried to sell me an expensive line of foot cream because I obviously had a re-creation of the Grand Canyon in the cracks of my heels. Maybe I should sell burro rides down the canyons of my soles.

(This is not the lunar surface. You could go spelunking in these cracks!)

When my pedicure was over, I carefully stomped out of the nail salon and drove home fuming. By the time I walked in the door,  6 of my 10 toenails had been smudged.

(Ain’t my toes purty?)

Moral of this story: Find a nail salon where workers are not allowed to talk on their cell phones while working with customers. (My toes STILL hurt.) That really should be a no-brainer.

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January 29, 2012 · 4:44 pm

Versatile Blogger?

I’ve been called many things (usually accompanied by a waving of the middle finger) but I’ve never been called versatile. But thanks to The Gratitude Garden blog, I’ve been nominated for the Versatile blogger award.

Thanks so much for the nomination–and now the pressure to keep writing funny AND versatile blogs for the rest of eternity.

As part of this award, I need to share 7 things about me that no one knows. But then I’ll have to kill all of you. It’s nothing personal, of course.

1. I was a very precocious and obnoxious child. (Now, I’m a precocious, obnoxious adult.)

2. I once failed a spelling test intentionally so my best friend wouldn’t feel bad about screwing up the test the week before.

3. I was born in a quaint, small town by the name of Dallas, Texas (You might have heard of it. Maybe not) and moved to the bustling cosmopolitan city of Salt Lake when I was still in diapers. (Of course, I was also 13).

4. I always wanted to be a prima ballerina. But I’m about 6″ and 100 lbs. too big for that dream.

5. I had NO idea what I was doing as a mother.

6. Would rather read than do almost anything. (Occasional exceptions: yoga, sex, eating)

7. I ate my daughters’ Halloween candy while they were at school. (See #5)

And now, here are my 15 nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. The Can’t Stay At Home Mom.

2. Technicolor Day Dreams: And a BIG thank you to this blogger who also nominated me for the award.

3. My Organized Chaos 

4. Inkings and Inklings

5. Pechaflickr

6. Travel Destination Bucket List

7. Dreaming of Hope

8. MJCache

9. Paltry Meanderings

10. Caorthine

11. Sarah’s Place

12. The Healthy Diva

13. Sarah Smiles Awhile

14. Apronhead

15. The Bernard Charles Show

Thanks again for the nomination. Keep blogging!

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January 24, 2012 · 9:18 am

Top 5 Ways to Get Over Writer’s Block

I spend a LOT of time writing. Whether it’s my Life and Laughter column, an article for a magazine or newspaper, a press release or this witty blog, I’m ALWAYS trying to come up with interesting topics, fun words, brilliant sentences, blah, blah, blah. But there are SOME days (I call them “weekdays”) when my brain doesn’t engage and I stare stupidly at my computer screen, watching that irritating cursor blink in my general direction. Mocking me.

Writer’s Block.  For some reason, the voices in my head have gone silent.

So I type anything. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala. UMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Peri is cool. I want chocolate. Must quit my writing job. Goats are people, too. This grapefruit is fascinating. Etc, etc, etc.  Blah, blah, blah.

Doesn’t usually help.

But I’ve found some things that will get those creative writing juices flowing again:

#1: Wallow in self-pity. This is the point where I admit I’ve been a writing fraud my entire life and I will never write a coherent sentence ever, ever again. This leads me to collapse on the floor in a heap (with the dog licking my neck) until I fall asleep. When I wake up, I feel much better. (I also do this when things don’t go my way. I call those times “weekdays.”)

(Someone. . . get . . . me . . . a . . . thesaurus. . .)

#2: Write the ending first. By typing the words “The End,” I feel very accomplished and can retire to the couch for a couple of hours of mindless entertainment. (This can be found on the E! channel.)

#3: Draw a picture. Using colored markers, pastels or pencils, I’ll grab a piece of paper and draw a unicorn sliding down a rainbow into a pool full of warm caramel. (Don’t worry, PETA. The caramel isn’t deep. The unicorn is fine.) Then I take my drawing and put it on the fridge. Then I walk over to my computer and punch it in the face.

(You should see my picture of a panda bear soaring on a magic carpet.)

#4: Take an exercise/healthy eating break. This is loosely translated as “walk briskly to the pantry, grab a bag of Cheetos and insert head into bag.” It could also mean, “Stomp down the hall to hidden chocolate stash. Insert head into stash.” Regular exercise/healthy eating habits keep the brain oozing with creative energy.

#5: Resolve personal issues. Writer’s block might be nothing more than last night’s fight with my teenage daughter or husband (who’s not a teenager.) When I find my personal life interfering with my professional projects, I put those bad feelings aside and ask for forgiveness.

Hahahahahaha!!!! Then I fly off on my invisible jet to the land of Honky Wonky and live on popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellys.

(Never forgive. Never forget.)

If these tips don’t have you back at your keyboard typing the next bestselling novel, then chances are you suck at writing and should apply at the local department store.

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January 18, 2012 · 10:58 am

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Along with the freeeeeezing temperatures, Newt Gingrich, my health insurance company and the shortage of Butterfinger candy bars in my home, the following things might make me fling myself off the tallest building. Of course, in Salt Lake, that’s not very tall. I’d probably survive. On life support.

(Look at me! I can fly!)

Things Driving Me Crazy Today:

  • The redneck who “walks” his dog by driving his pick-up truck through the park while the dog runs alongside it. Can you get any lazier, sir?
  • Automatic toilets that flush while you’re still sitting on them.
  • Automatic toilets that don’t flush at all.

  • People who don’t hold the door open–even when you’re right behind them.
  • Eating healthy all day–then eating an entire apple pie before I go to bed.

(Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom nom.)

  • Tall trucks that block the stoplights so you’re halfway through an intersection before you realize the light’s red.
  • Sweaty guys (and girls) who don’t wipe off the machines at the gym. Ewwww.
  • Being ignored by salespeople.
  • Being hounded by salespeople.

(Picture him saying anything in a horrible New Jersey accent. Now picture him at Kohl’s trying to sell you nylons.)

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January 11, 2012 · 8:32 am

Why the World Won’t End This Year

(And if you read it backwards, it says “Yadsmood 2102.” Eerie, isn’t it?)

In a very Grinch-like move, the Mayans have chosen to ruin Christmas this year by predicting the end of the world. ACTUALLY, they didn’t predict the world ending–their day planner just got filled up. But if they’re right, Dec. 21 (which happens to ruin my Friday–and my weekend plans) will be the day we’re either a) hit by a rogue planet, b) forced to watch every episode of every Kardashian TV show, or c) made to bow down to our new president, BeZorg.

Luckily, our country has spent billions of dollars in space technology, telescopes and Transformers to protect our planet from boomeranging comets and intergalactic warfare. Plus, Bruce Willis has those sweet asteroid-exploding skills we could put to use. Soooooo, I think we’ll be okay.

(He’s either constipated, or seriously concerned about the fate of our planet.)

Doomsayers have predicted that a cloud of negative energy will engulf the solar system–causing terror and chaos. Guess what? That’s already happened. It’s called the GOP debates.

( Now, THESE suckers might destroy our planet even before December.)

Nostradamus has been given credit for predicting everything from the exile of Adam and Eve to the Katy Perry-Russell Brand divorce (but of course EVERYONE saw that one coming.) Was Nostradamus Mayan? Isn’t it true he predicted that Hollywood would fall into the sea, causing smeared mascara and a shortage of bad movies?

Anyway. I know the world won’t end this year because:

I just ordered a three-year subscription to O magazine. And you KNOW Oprah won’t let the world end before she’s ready to quit publishing.

(What I know for sure? This world won’t end until I have ALL the money. Mwahahahaha.)

I REALLY want to see the second season of “Revenge.” That Emily Thorne is a bitch. I want to be her.

(This is one classy, cold-hearted wench.)

I’d miss my crazy-ass dog, Ringo.

I have a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax I’m not even CLOSE to using up.

Remember Y2K?

(Not as cool as a zombie apocalypse. . .but it will have to do.)

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January 1, 2012 · 9:52 am

Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2012

Besides taking up smoking, drinking margaritas, spending food money on shoes and increasing the sugar in my diet, I’ve been trying to think up ways to improve my already incredible life.

(Should be a glamorous 2012.)

Just like in November, when bloggers are required to compose a gratitude list, in January, we are required to make public our New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know why. It’s in the fine print.

So, in 2012, I resolve to:

  • Finish memorizing “Zoolander.”

(“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?”)

  • Become one of the infamous (and uber-wealthy) 1 percent.
  • Stop whining about the weather. (Unless it’s cold, windy and/or snowy.)
  • Find a Greek yogurt I can eat without gagging.

(Oh, yeah. Greek yogurt is delicious.)

  • Convert to Taoism and then drive my friends crazy while I try to convert them, too.
  • Create a low-calorie food that tastes exactly like a Snickers bar.

(A meal-in-a-bar.)

    • Open that erotic bakery I’ve always wanted.
    • Quote from Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” more often.
    • Learn Spanish–not so I can talk with my neighbors, but so I’ll know what they’re saying about me.
(¿Por qué es esa señora extraña que nos mira?)
    • Manage stress by punching people at the mall.
    • See less of friends and family. It makes Christmas cheaper.
    • Bring back the “children should be seen and not heard” tradition.

(Ahhh. Much better.)

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