Monthly Archives: November 2011

November 29, 2011 · 10:35 am

Holiday Decorations That Need to Go!

I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.

(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)

I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:

  • Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.
  • Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure  Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.

(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)

  • Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.

(Fa, la, la, la. . . .whatever. My beer’s empty.)

  • Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.

(I think it’s time for a special Hallmark Christmas intervention.)

  • Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.
  • Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.

(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)

  • Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.
  • Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?

 (Okay. It’s still funny.)

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November 23, 2011 · 9:14 am

I’m Grateful For . . .

In November, it is required that every person in the country make a list of things they’re grateful for. If  you don’t–you’re not a true American. But along with being thankful for food, clothing, shelter and chocolate, I am grateful for so much more.

I’m grateful for:

  • Underwear that doesn’t leave panty-lines.

(I think she might have some permanent damage.)

  • The fact that I’ll NEVER have to take an algebra class ever, ever, ever again.
  • Kim Kardashian’s fairy-tale wedding. What a true love story.

(This has restored my faith in the institution of marriage. I think they’ll be happy for ever and ever and ever. . .)

  • The platypus. How cool is that thing?
  • Dental floss. Not because it removes that make-believe plaque my dentist keeps nagging me about, but because if you ever need to tie off a severed artery–floss is your best friend.

(Get off my case, Mr. Bicuspid from hell!!!)

  • The Jersey Shore Christmas Ornament collection. Who wouldn’t want dem hangin’ from yo’ tree?

(All they need now is a Christmas CD. Possible titles: “Santa and his Hos,” “$%&* the Halls” or “Rudolph Shot Grandma With a Glock.”)

  • Fiction. Because reality sucks.
  • Daughters who aren’t currently in prison.
  • This picture:

(Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I think I just peed.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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November 17, 2011 · 10:24 am

The Many Reasons I Exercise

‘Tis the season to eat my body weight in pie. And because I do, I try to hit the gym several days a week to keep my frumpy, matronly figure up to snuff. But it’s not only my Elizabeth Taylor figure (the later years) that keeps me going to the gym. There are lots of reasons to exercise on a regular basis (like every holiday season).

(What 40+ years of pie will do to a girl’s figure.)

If you’re looking for a reason to exercise, feel free to use any of these ideas as motivation to hit the treadmill:

  • Exercise is a buffer against dementia. Recent medical studies show that people who exercise . . . ummm. People who. . . hmmmm. What was the question?
  • There are really cool new fusion workouts like yoga/kickboxing, boot camp/ballet and, my personal favorite, watching TV/eating junk food.

(Follow this plan and watch your body change in no time!)

  • Exercising will improve your vocabulary. I’ve learned a variety of new swear words while working out at the gym.
  • Due to my high blood sugar levels, my sweat smells like vanilla frosting.
  • When I use my Thighmaster at the gym, I get lots of inquisitive looks.

(Have you seen this? It can do ANYTHING!!)

  • Exercise has been shown to improve vision. Then you can read that big number on the scale.

(I tend to lean more toward the rhino side of the scale.)

  • I can catch up on the latest Justin Bieber hits on my iPod.
  • People who exercise live longer. Or at least they feel like they’re living longer. Seriously? I’d rather be dead than run a marathon.
  • I look HOT in leg warmers. . .

(. . .but my heels keep getting stuck in the elliptical machine.)

  • Exercise is supposed to improve your social life, increase your libido (hell yeah), brighten your mood, get you a raise and promotion, solve world hunger, end government fighting, improve your sleep, prevent (and cure) cancer and keep you out of prison. But as long as I can still get in my car without a pry bar–that’s all that matters.

(Hey! Stop staring at my air bags!)

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November 11, 2011 · 11:22 am

Children’s Books that Messed Me Up

I can point to many reasons why I’m a little “off” at times. Lack of social skills, fear of small animals and an unexplained anger toward anything purple are just a few of my quirks. After years of trying to explain myself, I’ve decided to blame the stories I was read as a child.

Such as:

Martha Matilda O’Toole: A little girl goes to school completely naked. However, people remind her she forgot her pen, her shoes, her books, etc. It’s not until the end of the story they mention she’s not wearing a dress. Freakin’ perverts.

(Moral: Don’t trust your neighbors. They’re probably pedophiles.)

The Five Chinese Brothers: This nightmare-inducing story taught me there are lots of horrible ways to be executed. I personally would have chosen to be smothered in whipped cream. I figured I’d just eat my way out.

Millions of Cats: Lesson learned from this book: Cats can never, never be trusted. If they eat each other, they will eat you.

(Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Please don’t destroy our planet.)

Caps for Sale: Lesson learned from this book: Monkeys can never, never be trusted. They will eat you. I mean, they will steal from you. And probably eat you, too.

Madeline: The only time I considered living in a convent was when I read about this little girl being raised by nuns in Paris. It also made me want to get my appendix out. (Still have my appendix.)

(I always wanted a nun to run down the hall to save me. Wait. I think that’s my brother-in-law’s fantasy.)

Pierre: A Cautionary Tale in Five Chapters and a Prologue:  In this fable, Pierre just doesn’t give a shit about anything. Until a lion eats him. (Another reason for me to fear mammals.) My sisters and I would act this story out as a play. Pierre basically had one line: “I don’t care.” Nailed it!

(Pierre was a stubborn little brat. Like most children.)

The Little Engine That Could:  This feisty little, blue engine just knew he could do whatever he set his mind to accomplish. Yeah. More bullshit we try to sell to kids.

(“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” No, you can’t. Go watch TV.)

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November 4, 2011 · 12:10 pm

My Top 5 Favorite Body Parts

Every women’s magazine tells us to dress to enhance our favorite body part. They probably mean things like cleavage, legs or butt–but my favorite body parts are none of those. My knees are wrinkled, my butt is saggy and  my boobs haven’t been in the same location as my chest since the birth of my first child.

But after much thought, I DID find some body parts I’ve grown rather attached to. These are things I’m rather proud of (for better or worse):

#1. My foot phalanges (that’s toes for those of you who didn’t attend medical school): Although my brother teased me for years about the size of my toes (thanks to therapy, I’m doing much better now), my long toes are very useful. I use my toes to pick up socks, tissues, towels and even play the piano (not well). They can also deliver a good pinch when necessary.

(It’s hard to find shoes that fit well.)

#2. My Lungs: I’m not sure how I would dress to enhance my lungs (which is NOT the same as cleavage) but I’ve come to appreciate breathing on a regular basis.

#3. My Earlobes: Earlobes are highly underrated. They serve no biological function but they’re perfect for holding diamond studs or sterling silver hoops (Christmas ideas for anyone looking for a gift for me). They don’t get wrinkly or sag (at least not yet), there’s no earlobe cancer (that I’m aware of) and they don’t grow unnecessary hair. (Unlike OTHER body parts I can think of–cheeks, upper lip, forehead, etc.)

(I’m not sure if this is the fault of all those gold bands, or if her face is just melting.)

#4: Cervical Vertebrae: Ah, the neck bones. The job of these poor suckers is to hold my head up all. day. long. And my noggin is pretty heavy. (Imagine how the cervical vertebrae of a Brontosaurus felt). Those bones also respond pretty well when my husband runs his fingers along them.

(Great Christmas idea for someone tired of holding up their own head.)

#5: The Index Finger on my Right Hand: This extraordinary digit is a multi-tasking tool. It can point out exactly what I need, or help out when I’m arguing. It’s great for scooping out cookie dough or frosting and can be used to get that dried booger out of my nose. It clicks my mouse, spreads my lip gloss, starts the microwave, smooths my eyebrows and scrolls through images. And it sits right next to the finger I use when I’m driving.

(See how useful it is!!)

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