Monthly Archives: August 2011

August 29, 2011 · 7:45 am

File under: WTF

I just read in the paper about two young “adults” who filed a lawsuit against their mom for emotional distress in the amount of $50,000. First, isn’t that a mom’s job? Second, (you might ask) what constitutes “emotional distress” to these two lovely children?

(Spoiled children: The result of banning child abuse.)

Here’s your answer. (Did I mention they live with their father–an attorney–in a $1.5 million home?)

During their childhood, their mother:

  • Insisted that her 7-year-old son buckle his seat belt or she’d call the police
  • Haggled over the amount she wanted to spend on a party dress for her daughter
  • Called her daughter at midnight, asking that she return home from a school party
  • Sent the “wrong kind” of birthday card (it didn’t include a check or cash)
  • Failed to send her son a care package when he was in college
  • Wouldn’t take her daughter to a car show

These offenses make me wonder–WTF? If MY daughters decided to sue me for “emotional distress” (which is entirely possible), I would counter-sue and ask for the judge to order the following consequences:

  • They would have to mow my lawn with a PUSH MOWER every Saturday afternoon. In the heat. Without an iPOD.
  • They would have NO access to cell phones or the Internet.
  • They would only be allowed to watch network television.
  • They would have to WALK to school. Every day. Rain or shine.
  • New school clothes would consist of 2 pairs of Levi’s, 5 T-shirts, 1 pair of tennis shoes and 1 pair of dress shoes.

Sound familiar? That’s because that was OUR childhood. Sometime during the last 20 years, entitled, horrible children took over the planet. Should be an interesting future.

(President of the United States: 2052)

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August 22, 2011 · 1:08 pm

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I’ve decided it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. Here’s what’s making me crazy today:

  • Paying high school registration fees, class fees, parking fees, yearbook fees and activity fees, and then buying pencils, folders, pens, calculators, paper, notebooks and binders. Exactly what do all those fees pay for?
  • Eating a delicious piece of pie, but not paying attention. So I missed enjoying the whole experience. (I guess I’ll have to try it again.)
  • Drivers who can’t follow parking lot arrows. And parking lots in general.

(Typical parking lot at Wal-Mart on any given day.)

  • Women with money who act entitled. (Yes, I’m talking about YOU, uppity wench, at the nail salon.)
  • People who start counting down the days to Christmas when it’s still August. Shut up, you!!
  • The fact that every east-west bound road leading from my home is under construction AGAIN!! Maybe it should have been done right the first time.

(Sad, but true.)

  • Michael Waddoups. Just for the hell of it.
  • People who are ALREADY campaigning for president. I’m so sick of politicians, I hope NOBODY wins and we fall into anarchy.

(This image goes with the previous two items.)

  • Drivers who speed up when I try to merge. Or slow down and stay completely by my side so I can’t change lanes.
  • The fact that I’m not a gazillionaire. (But then I’d probably be an uppity wench.)
  • Tomorrow’s Tuesday. I’m sure I’ll be more crazy tomorrow.

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August 17, 2011 · 10:35 am

Book Reviews: Vanishing Children

Both of the books this week are about young girls that go missing. (I think it must be time for my daughter to go back to school.)Anyway. The first book is “Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter” by Tom Franklin. In the ’70s, middle-class white boy Larry Ott was friends for a brief time with Silas Jones, the son of a single, black woman. Ott, always considered a little odd, is connected to the disappearance of a young girl.

Fast forward 20 years and Ott is still shunned by the community, even though he was never formally accused of any crime. However, he has made friends with an extremely creepy young man who idolizes Ott. Jones is now a constable in the town and ends up embroiled in another girl’s disappearance. The two men are forced to face their pasts and confront issues that were never resolved.

Really well written and engrossing.

4 stars out of 5

I need to stop reading depressing novels where crazy people kill little children. But how do you resist an opening line like this? “My life might have been so different, had I not been known as the girl whose grandmother exploded.” Very cool. (Not the exploding grandma, the opening line.)

In Helen Grant’s “The Vanishing of Katharina Linden,” the story is told from the point of view from Pia, a 10-year-old German girl. Her schoolmates are disappearing with no trace, and she’s determined to find out what’s going on–and see if there’s a connection to missing girls from decades ago.

With the help from a friend (the only person her age who associates with her), Pia embarks on a journey where she encounters true evil–which is a hard concept to grasp–even if you’re not 10.

Intertwined with fairy tales and ghost stories, the novel was good and I found it interesting that the author kept telling the story in a small child’s point of view. She didn’t always understand what was happening, or why. Kind of like real life.

3 stars out of 5

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August 12, 2011 · 11:31 am

Economics 101

Unless you’re Bill Gates or Warren Buffett, you’re probably feeling a bit of a pinch during this ongoing recession (although “experts” say it’s over). I thought I’d give you some handy tips to help you and your family save money as you ride out this economic roller coaster.

  • (This is a fun one for the teenagers in your home.) Cancel all Internet and Cable services. Watch the hilarity ensue. Your teens will think you’re so cool because now they’ll have time to read books, mow lawns and clean their rooms. Win-Win!!
  • Re-use plastic bags. You can use them to pick up dog poop, line garbage cans or, as a last resort, you can put one over your head and take some deep breaths. Soon, all your financial worries will be over. (For any suicidal folks out there, I’m kidding. Gees.)
  • Stock up on those mini packets of ketchup, salsa, mustard or mayo that you get at 7-11. Mix a few ketchup and salsa packets with water and voila (that’s French for  ”very tasty”), you have a spicy, tomato soup!

  • Stop smiling. Frowning will save you hundreds of dollars in dental bills. There’s no reason to take care of your teeth if no one’s going to see them.
  • Move in with your parents. Remember all the trouble you caused during your teenage years? Well, you can make it up to your mom and/or dad by sleeping in your old room for a year. Have kids? What a better way to bind generations than by living under the same roof. Just remember, your dad probably still walks around in his undies.

(For God’s sake, Dad. Put some clothes on.)

  • Spend more time at the library. Not only do they have fantastic reading materials, they usually have restrooms, computers and couches. In fact, you could shut off the power to your house during the day and LIVE at the library!
  • Avoid impulse buying. You know, things like milk, cereal, bread, toilet paper, soap and other luxuries you’ve become accustomed to. Be creative and use the food you already have in the house.

Economists guarantee the recession will be over soon. And by “over” I’m pretty sure they mean “ongoing until everyone is living at the local football field in tents.”

Spend wisely, my friends.

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August 5, 2011 · 7:53 am

Top 5 Reasons I Hate the Hospital

(No, I’m not afraid at all.)

Against my better judgement, I recently spent a wonderfully pleasant afternoon at the local emergency room being poked and prodded. Cost: $250. Diagnosis: A shrug of the shoulders and a “Who knows?”

Sitting in my lovely hospital gown, I pondered all the reasons I hate hospitals and came up with the following list:

#1. Urine samples: Men have it easy while peeing into a cup (or in the woods). Women—not so much. After having received SPECIFIC instructions on how to pee into a tiny cup, I was sent to the bathroom–where I proceeded to pee all over my hand, arm and possibly my hair. A small amount made it in the cup.

#2. ER beds: The ”bed” I was “resting” on was what they called a “pelvic bed” (which freaked me out to begin with), so the bottom half of the mattress was detachable. Well, it kept detaching and sliding off the bedframe. As I’m rolling down the hallway to the ultrasound room, the lower half of my body is hanging off the gurney so I’m walk/riding to the room. Classy.

(My bed wasn’t NEARLY this comfortable.)

#3. Ultrasound gel: First of all, NO, I’m not pregnant. If that was the case, I would have them take me directly to the morgue. Second, the gel they use to magically look at your insides is kept in below-freezing conditions until it’s just the right temperature to cause frostbite.

Nurse: “This might be a little cold.”

Me: “Really? No s***.”

#4. Being referred to as “middle-aged”: No more comment necessary.

(Me. Just a woman from the middle-ages.)

#5. Lack of diagnosis: A visit to the doctor, a trip to the ER, blood tests, urine tests, an ultrasound and various poky procedures: No clue.

Me: “Okay, then. I guess I’ll go home.”

Doc: “Make sure you leave the gown.”

Whatever. I paid good money for that gown.

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August 2, 2011 · 12:30 pm

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I consider myself a patient person–usually. But some days things happen that test my sanity level, which isn’t high to begin with.

Things driving me crazy today include:

  • My cholesterol level is the lowest it’s been in years!! However, my blood sugar level is up. I’m convinced it’s all the sappy romantic-comedies my hubbie makes me sit through. Those movies have given me pre-diabetes–and probably tooth decay.
  • Driving along when a flock of geese decided to cross the road. (There’s a joke there somewhere.) My fellow drivers and I stopped to let the geese pass–except for one a**hole driver who raced down the emergency lane–almost taking out two geese.

  • Cashiers who put ONE item in each bag. (Also, cashiers who inspect everything you buy–and comment on it.)
  • Stores and restaurants that crank up the air conditioning making it so cold my eyelashes freeze together. (I’m talking about YOU Rumbi’s and South Towne Mall.)

(I shouldn’t have to dress like this in AUGUST!!)

  • People who are irritatingly smug.
  • That stupid ad folded over my newspaper. It is a half-page of aggravation.
  • My computer that I have nicknamed “Zen” because it likes to sit in silence and do nothing.

  • Counting calories, eating healthy, working out–and not losing ONE OUNCE.
  • Shopping carts with one wonky wheel.

  • The fact that someone thought “The Smurfs” would be a great movie. Whaaaa????

That’s it for today. At least so far.

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