Monthly Archives: May 2011

May 31, 2011 · 10:41 am

Book Reviews: An Orphan and a Teenage Girl

Oliver Twist

Two or three times a year, I’ll dive into a literary classic. Often it’s Jane Austen or Mark Twain but this month was Charles Dickens’ “Oliver Twist“. Big fan of old Charles, I am. But I’d never read “Oliver Twist” and decided it was high time I did.

A vast amount of swooning, fainting and crying happens in “Oliver Twist“–mostly by the main character. In fact, I can’t think of a bigger pussy in the history of literature. He spends most of the book recovering from illnesses brought on by his overwrought emotional state.

The characters in the book are either SO good or SO bad. Not a lot of gray in Dickens’ characters. It’s melodrama to the umpteenth degree.

SPOILER ALERT: There are predictable endings for the novel’s characters: On the one hand, everyone finds out they are secretly related and they live in happy bliss surrounded by butterflies and unicorns. Except for the thieves. Who all die. Hooray!

Dickens also has a very low opinion of Christians. He must have spent some time around some. But Dickens’ dialogue is always first-rate. A very sarcastic, satirical writer. Which is probably why I love him. But “Oliver Twist” was not my favorite.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

Inzanesville

You could not PAY me to relive junior high. I can’t think of a more traumatic, emotionally damaging period of time in a young girl’s life. Jo Ann Beard’s novel “Inzanesville” captures that horrifying experience very well with the un-named main character agonizing over EVERY decision she makes, not wanting to look stupid.

The intricacies and craziness of relationships at 14-years-old is depicted very well as the young girl battles with her sister and mother, worries about her father, has misunderstandings with her best friend and is basically trying to find her way in this crazy thing we call life.

Good read. Funny, honest and a great example of how tenuous friendships can be.

3 1/2 stars out of 5.

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May 26, 2011 · 3:04 pm

Sugary Goodness

My sugar addiction is well documented.

As a child, my diet consisted of Sugar Pops, sugar cookies, Sugar Babies and sugar straight from the bowl. We lived in Murray, Utah, about a mile from a small store called Mr. G’s where I spent every waking moment perusing the candy aisles, deciding which sugar-filled candy item to stuff in my face. (Answer: everything.)

I would also buy candy cigarettes and Fresca (because Fresca looked like a beer can). I’m sure I convinced all my neighbors that little 9-year-old Peri was a raging alcoholic and a chain smoker.

                                        

My most common purchases at Mr. G’s included:

B-B-Bats (any flavor).

Wax bottles filled with a teensy amount of sugary liquid (might have been a sedative).

Charms Sweet & Sour Pops that would make the roof of  my mouth bleed.

Freshen Up gum that had a squirt of something oozy in the middle (Ewww).

Bottle Caps –especially the Coke flavor because my mom wouldn’t let me drink Coke.

Big Hunks–a “chewy” nougat bar with nuts–responsible for pulling out at least five of my teeth.

Candy necklaces that would mix with the my sweat in the summertime and turn my neck into a rainbow of pastel colors. I tried to lick my neck. Didn’t work.

Razzles. Yeah, it’s supposed to be gum but I ate them like candy.

Luden’s cherry cough drops–or black licorice drops. For no particular reason.

Candy lipstick (to put on after I finished my candy cigarette and Fresca beer).

Licorice Snaps (which I HATED but still ate). Hey, they were made of sugar.

By the way, my dentist loved me.

What was your childhood addiction? Is there a candy you loved? Share with me. Make me feel like I’m not the only child from the ’70s addicted to anything sugar.

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May 23, 2011 · 4:45 pm

Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End

Apocalypse Later

You might have heard the world was supposed to end a few days ago. I think news of our demise was premature. But Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Christian leader who predicted world’s end, is nowhere to be found. Was he taken to heaven in the Rapture? Is he hiding out at Baskin-Robbins, eating Death by Chocolate ice cream? Or is he busy re-calucating the end-date one more time?

I think there are probably a lot of reasons why the earth wasn’t destroyed on May 21. Here are the top five reasons I think we’re still here:

#1: We gained an extra life by killing Osama bin Laden.

#2: Superman found the gigantic Acme Rapture-o-Matic machine and unplugged it. Thanks, Superman.

#3: Because we’re all so self-absorbed, the world DID end and nobody noticed.

#4: Hello! It’s supposed to end on December 21, 2012. Just ask the thriving Mayan society.

#5: God is so sick of dealing with us that he’s in a galaxy far-far away enjoying a margarita by a cosmic pool. He figures we’ll destroy ourselves soon enough.

Whatever the reason, I’m glad to be here.

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May 20, 2011 · 12:26 pm

Movies That Scarred Me For Life

In my current Life and Laughter column, I discussed scary movies and how they basically ruined me. Here’s a more complete list of life-altering movies that made me who I am today. Messed up.

The Wizard of Oz: The tornado in this movie scared the living s*** out of me. I was convinced that every windstorm would carry our home to a place with helium-voiced dwarves, apple-throwing trees and green-faced witches. Still not sure that won’t happen. And don’t even get me started on the flying monkeys ripping apart the Scarecrow. Hello, therapy.

Salem’s Lot: This made-for-TV scare-fest featuring creepy vampires kept me from looking out the window for years. I still picture the pale vampire hovering outside the window, just waiting to come in for a drink. Or a bite. Who keeps their curtains open in the middle of the night????

Aliens: I never actually watched this movie but my dad had a graphic novel depicting the plot that kept me awake for about 24 months. I couldn’t stop staring at the page where the alien bursts out of the guy’s chest. Very nicely drawn–graphically correct. The drawing of the grown-up alien with slobbery blood dripping from his jowls was another definite nightmare inducer.

Planet of the Apes: Talk about evolution taken to the extreme. In this NOT-FOR-KIDS movie my dad made us watch, apes have taken over the planet (not apes like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh–but actual gorilla apes). It’s HILARIOUS now, but when you’re a little girl afraid of small dogs, the idea of apes locking humans up in cages was more than a little unnerving.

The only redeeming part of the movie (which also gave me nightmares) was Charlton Heston’s lines when he realized he was on earth the whole time.

“Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was… We finally really did it!”
[Heston screaming]
“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

Freaked me out for many, many years.

What movies messed up your childhood?

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May 16, 2011 · 3:56 pm

Book Reviews: Boys Behaving Badly and a Lonely Old Woman

At any given time, I am involved in a novel. If I’m not reading something, you should probably check for a pulse.

During the last few weeks, I’ve read two books I thought I’d share with you–if only as a warning for the fainthearted.

The first book is SO well-written that it’s worth reading just for the author’s skill. “Skippy Dies” by Paul Murray is a brutal look at boys at a boarding school in Ireland and, as the title implies, Skippy dies. This is not a spoiler, it’s the title of the book and the boy dies in the first chapter–so don’t freak out on me. The rest of the story retraces the months before his death and the events leading up to that fateful day. It’s really long and took me a while to get into but it’s an interesting look at the choices we make and the consequences of those choices. With at least one dozen different perspectives, “Skippy Dies” covers every possible personality.

Skippy falls in love, his roommate is obsessed with multiple universes, a drug-dealing freako is out to get him and his history teacher is experiencing a mid-life crisis–in his early twenties. From Irish folklore to quantum physics, the novel is interesting and brilliant.

“Skippy Dies” is NOT for anyone easily offended. Graphic scenes detail the horrible things teens do to themselves and each other. Sex, drugs, psychopath characters and pedophile priests: It’s all in there. SO BE WARNED. But if our modern society has numbed you to lurid descriptions, then you might enjoy “Skippy Dies.” I gave it 3 1/2 starts (out of 5).

If you are afraid of getting old and living alone with your dog while your children live out-of-state and rarely visit, this book might not be for you. “Emily, Alone” by Stewart O’nan is a melancholy depiction of an elderly woman’s life and all the tiny details that make up her existence. She LIVES for phone calls from her kids and grandkids. An outing to the breakfast buffet each week with her sister-in-law is one thing she looks forward to. Her husband has been dead for years and she frequently attends funerals for her friends.

Regrets, fears, past experiences and frustrations make up most of Emily’s days. She’s basically waiting to die. Or waiting for her dog to die. Or waiting for her friends to die. Or eating waffles. Quite depressing (death–not waffles).

The author is really good at getting into the mind of an older woman, describing the things she worries about (getting rid of her husband’s luggage, not getting thank-you cards from her grandkids) and the book is well-written–just a little bit of a downer.

I think I’ll go look at cemetery plots. (3 stars)

If you’re reading something good (NOT Mary Higgins Clark, Danielle Steele or other serial authors), drop me a line and let me know!

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May 11, 2011 · 3:17 pm

Top 5 Reasons to Eat Chocolate Today

When I want chocolate–I want it immediately! No running to the store. No searching through cabinets. No whipping up a batch of brownies. A chocolate craving can hit at anytime of the day or night, so it’s best to be prepared with some good, quality chocolate that your spouse and kids will never find. That way, when the urge strikes, you can enjoy a delicious piece of chocolate without resorting to violence.

For those of you who don’t like chocolate, stop reading this post immediately and get off my blog! Just kidding. Sort of. Here are the top 5 reasons to eat chocolate today:

#1: Eating a bagful of Hershey’s kisses before each meal will help take the edge off your appetite. You’ll eat less at every meal and lose weight! A box of chocolates will supply all your caloric needs for the day in one convenient package!

#2: Enjoying a box of See’s chocolates (especially Nuts and Chews) is a much better alternative to child abuse. Did your daughter sluff school to be with her boyfriend? Did she forget to tell you she owes $150 in tardy fees? Lock yourself in the bathroom and forget your cares with a nice caramel or almond-nougat.

#3: Scientists have proven that eating one pound of chocolate per day will make you happier, help you relax, pay off your credit cards, heal the crappy economy, end world hunger and increase your IQ by 46 points. Not a bad deal.

#4: Chocolate does not taste like a) lima beans, b) Brussel sprouts, c) liver, d) anchovies.

#5: Chocolate is safe. You never hear of an outbreak of salmonella or e. coli caused by chocolate. Do you? Nope. It’s those “healthy” foods creating health alerts and causing people to be sick. Put down that spinach salad and pick up a Butterfinger bar.

Chocolate is good cooked, frozen, whipped, melted,  or fresh out of the package. It can be served year-round and is perfect in any season. With hot chocolate in the winter and Fudgesicles in the summer–you just can’t go wrong. Let’s see carrots do that.

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May 8, 2011 · 12:05 pm

Happy Mother’s Day

It’s been five months since cancer took my mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and thank her for the opportunity I had to be her daughter. My mom could be. . . how do I put it. . .stubborn. But she taught me how to love being a mom, and how to enjoy being alive.

Some of the best lessons my mom taught me (or tried to teach me that didn’t necessarily stick) include:

  • Never, never, never stop learning.
  • Keep track of your vacation money by using cash-filled envelopes for food, gas, souvenirs, etc. (Disclaimer: I don’t do this–We teased her mercilessly about it.)
  • Cook desserts from scratch using real butter and cream whenever possible. And it’s always possible.
  • Flip off slow drivers. (Not something I do, but my daughters have certainly picked it up.)
  • Friends come and go but family is there FOREVER. I don’t think she meant it as a threat. I could be wrong.
  • Laugh as often as possible and never take yourself too seriously.
  • Read something every day.
  • Christianity isn’t something you learn from a book. It’s something developed in the heart.
  • Plant flowers. (I did not inherit my mom’s green thumb. I plant flowers and they wither abruptly. However, my mom could make plastic plants blossom.)
  • Have good friends.
  • Live with joy until the very end.

This Mother’s Day is the first time in my life that I won’t be able to talk to mom and tell her I love and appreciate her. I hope wherever she is, she’s planting a garden, eating chocolate cake and reading a really good book. I love you and miss you, Mom.

Make sure to send love to your mom today.

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May 3, 2011 · 2:03 pm

Top 5 Reasons to Do Yoga

Some of you may know that by some crazy fluke, I’m a certified yoga instructor. Which is funny because when I first started doing yoga eight years ago, I HATED it. But I kept going back and now I get to be the one torturing, um, I mean, teaching yoga students. I LOVE teaching yoga!

Those of you out there who swear you’ll NEVER do yoga, I hope you’ll reconsider. People tell me all the time they’re too stiff or inflexible to do yoga. Ummmmmm. . . here’s a clue. It doesn’t get better unless you do SOMETHING.

So here are my Top 5 Reasons why you should give yoga a shot:

#1: You learn how to breathe

Yes, you’ve probably been breathing for most of your life, but yoga breathing is SO MUCH BETTER. As Yoda would say, “Power in your breath, there is.”

#2: You understand how to relax

In case you haven’t noticed, our society is a little tense. We dash from task to task like monkeys on meth. Yoga helps you s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and be mindful, present and calm. Kind of like a tranquilizer–but even better! You’ll learn to recognize when your body is hunched and tense. You’ll notice when your shoulders have risen up to attack your ears. You’ll understand that when you stop grinding your teeth–your headaches seem to disappear. It’s like magic!

#3: You get to practice patience

I know. NO ONE likes to practice patience because that usually means you’re faced with an impatient situation. Like life in general. Or teenagers. But as you practice yoga poses, you learn to be patient with your body and all its quirky imperfections. Yoga is not a destination but a life-long journey you get to enjoy. Pretty zen.

#4: You learn to listen to and love your body

Do you listen to your body when it’s so tired it wants to collapse? Or do you tell your body to “suck it up” and keep abusing it with sugar (yes), no sleep (usually) and strenuous exercise-induced injuries? Yoga teaches you to not only LISTEN to what your body is telling you, but to respect your body for everything it does.

The fact our bodies put up with us each day is reason enough to be grateful. If bodies could divorce us–we’d be so out of luck. After practicing yoga for a while, you’ll begin to hear your body (and not in a crazy I-talk-to-my-patio-furniture sort of way). But you’ll tell when you’re going to far–or not going far enough. You’ll be more in tune with your muscles, your breath (see #1) and your thoughts. It’s SO cool.

#5: You take the lessons from yoga into life

When you’re in a difficult yoga pose, trying to breathe, you learn that focus and breath can get you through almost anything–even childbirth (but I had TONS of cool medication when I gave birth, so I wouldn’t know). Here are some of the life lessons I’ve learned from yoga:

  • When you’re stressed–take five deep breaths.
  • When you’re spouse and/or kids are stressed–take five deep breaths.
  • Treat your body well and you’ll feel really good.
  • There is no such thing as the perfect body.
  • Stay present. Stay in the moment. This is it, folks.
  • Don’t live unconsciously.

So here’s my challenge for you today. Find  a yoga studio or fitness center that offers yoga classes and go. If you don’t like it, find another one. There are so many styles of yoga and so many different types of instruction. Keep going until you find the one that resonates with you.

Namaste (“The light in me, honors the light in you.”)

Disclaimer: This is not me. Nor do you have to do yoga in the desert.

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